The End

Sometimes life doesn't always seem fair, things we do, we wish we could take back, and things always seem to go wrong! When we are already down and out, like losing your job, a relative dying, or your spouse confronts you with a problem and informs you they want a divorce! You lose your best friend, your car breaks down, or is taken away. Just when you think life can't get any worse, BOOM another one of life's little "suprises" comes up and smacks you in the face! All these reasons here are only a few and have all happened to me in the last year, so as a new year aproaches fast, it seems as if just yesterday i was going to my first day of school, then graduating 8th grade with hopes for what my future hold, and how I was gonna be so happily married with a couple kids by now! Then all of a sudden i'm in highschool, and things are slowly tummbling before me. It seems only hours ago I was walking down that isle, in my fancy white dress, so excited things were finally looking up for me. Then this year came and everything went wrong, and has came crashing down fast before my eyes. I no longer have hopes of finding "Mr. Right", or ever having kids, or of ever being happy period! What is "happiness" really? To me it used to mean alot. It meant getting everything i always wanted, and so much more! Now I think of happiness as a figament of everyones imagination, i mean seriously, who can say they are truly happy? Except for perhaps a pathalogical liar, in which case it doesnt matter, because he's lying anyways!! But thats besides my point. Really I don't know what my point is! I guess what i'm trying to say is this past year of my life has been nothing but pain, hurt, and pretty much depression! I'm scared of what my future holds for me in the new year to come! I'm scared because, no longer do I believe in happiness, no longer do I believe in love! If you don't believe in those 2 things, then what have you got left? What is there to look forward to? Nothing.. and if you've got nothing to look forward to, besides more pain, loneliness, and despair, then why go on? Why stick around and wait for more depression to take you over? That's just stupid!! My momma always said she didn't raise no "fools"! So I guess that's my point after all... This past year, has been too much for me, and I do not want to live through another one. This scares me even more! I've thought about, and attempted suicide soo much, but never could do it, never knew why?!? But now I think I know why... because I still had that small hope of someday being "happy" and that kept me here. Wondering what "happiness" is, what it would be like. On this day, in this moment, on this paper, now I have stated, I no longer believe in happiness or love, so nothing is holding me back, no one is keeping me here. So I guess my point to this paper is that...I guess it's over... this year's new year's resolution is simply this. Not to live to see another one. This truly is.... The End.... my final thoughts are of a poem I read once that lingered with me for months and I never knew why, and couldn't place it, but I think it finally is clear now and fits in here, in this moment right before The End... it is entitled "9 words"... so my words to you are this......... My Life Is Over Now, Yours Can Go On..