Princess Molly Graduates Sixth Grade

"Julie, what are you doing?" Julie slowly turned attempting to hide the ice cream cone behind her back.

"I told you no more junk food. You'll never lose weight that way. Now come home." Julie stood up, tossed her cone into the trash can and headed home, head down with tears hitting the street, leaving a trail of sadness that followed her all the way home. I just sat there, motionless, feeling extremely bummed abut my friend. Her mom was miserable and so was she. Ever since her dad left them for his secretary all Julie's mom did was rag on her about how she looked. Julie was really starting to believe she was ugly. I told her all the time that she wasn't, that her mom was crazy. She didn't believe me.
I went inside my house which was always the same: clean, good food, and parents that still loved each other. I hoped they did; I asked my mom.

"Mary, of course we do and so do Julie's parents, they just need time to think." That was my mom, nice and happy. It felt good hearing that even though I wish Julie could hear her mom say the same things. I helped my mom with dinner, setting the table and tossing the salad. This is what we did every evening when my mom didn't work. That was most evenings. While we were getting dinner ready my dad pulled up to the driveway. I should have known something was wrong then. My dad never came home early. Dad came in staggering and stuttering.

"Mom something's wrong with dad!" I hollered as I ran over to try and stop him from falling.

"Mary go outside and pick the tomatoes, dad is alright," the sternness in her voice snapped me out of my panic and I obeyed. I looked up at my mom just in time to see her eyes, they were sad and moist. I had never seen my dad like that. I thought he was sick, like with pneumonia or even bitten by the tse tse fly that I learned about in social studies last year.

"He's drunk idiot," said my older brother AJ as I made my way out the back door.

"Daddy don't drink!" That was true, I had never seen any alcohol at my house and I told my brother so.

"He's an alcoholic! That's why he hasn't been drinking anything since you were two."

The scowl in my brother's voice was mean and frightening and I started to feel frightened. Not scared, but maniac in your closet frightened. How could I not know something this important. What else didn't I know? What other secrets did my family have? I started to cry loudly and hysterically. I continued crying even while picking tomatoes. I woke up the next morning in my bed. I remembered running through the kitchen dropping the tomatoes on the kitchen table. Through the living room up to my room and falling asleep.

I woke up and rolled out of bed hoping for a better day, an explanation, and my mom's famous chocolate chip pancakes.

"Good morning, Mary."

It wasn't my mom and there was no aroma of any breakfast cooking. I looked up to see my dad sitting at the breakfast table, newspaper in hand. He had on gray dress pants and a button down shirt. He had shaven. He was pale and sickly looking, I had never seen him like that and I didn't like it. But before I could tell him so he leaped out of the kitchen chair and bolted to the bathroom. From behind the door I could hear him dry heaving. Good, I thought.

"Where's mom?"

"She went to work today," my dad said as he walked out of the bathroom.

"Mary we have to talk. AJ wake up and get down here." AJ came down to the kitchen with a scowl and eyes narrowed. AJ was seventeen and always mad about something. He wasn't always that way but lately nothing I did or said was right. My new name was Idiot Girl, his new name was Miserable. But however we were towards each other lately didn't matter as we stood side by side waiting to hear the news that would change our family's future.


"Mary, AJ, I lost my job last week and I have been looking for work since then. I don't want to go into the specifics but a couple of guys were doing something really wrong under my watch and they were fired too. Yesterday I was just so frustrated and found myself where I shouldn't have been. I am sorry."

All I wanted to do was hug him but AJ had different ideas altogether.

"What is it, dad, are we back to the same old excuses for being fall down drunk?"

I stood there stunned, I never knew any of this, my dad a drunk? An alcoholic, making excuses for being drunk? AJ continued his angry tirade as I stood there incapable of moving or talking. Finally I looked at my father, sad and sick looking. He did not look like the man who read me bedtime stories or juggled bananas for me when I was sick. He just stood there letting my brother holler at him. Finally I had enough.

"Stop yelling at dad," I screamed as I ran over to my dad and hugged him as hard as I could. "I love you, dad. It will be alright." My brother ran upstairs to his room and I just kept hugging my dad. I didn't want to let go. My dad was the first to let go.

"I have to hit the pavement. Your mom is going to pick up some extra shifts until I can find a new job. AJ," dad hollered up the stairs, "I need to pound the pavement for a few hours and I need you to keep an eye on your sister. I'll be back early afternoon." He kissed my forehead and smiled.

"It's gonna be alright, Princess," and with that he was gone.

Later on that morning AJ came down and made us some fried eggs and hot chocolate. AJ can cook eggs really good and I told him so.

He smiled and said, "I'm making us pancakes for dinner." I truly believed my dad would be back for dinner. Mom works until eight and someone always made AJ and I dinner. I didn't want to confront AJ about that though. He was being so nice.

I stopped over Julie’s to see what she wanted to do after I helped clean up the dishes. I didn’t know if I wanted to tell her about last night; I was embarrassed. But she was my best friend so I told her everything, including my brother being so nice. Julie didn’t react the way I thought though.

“So your family isn’t perfect either.” Julie sighed and said she was sorry. “You have no idea how it felt to go over your house every day with your really nice mom when my mom hates me for being fat and ugly and your funny dad who would never leave you for a twenty year old secretary. I’m sorry.”

I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I yell at her or just cry. I chose to cry. Julie hugged me.

“Let’s go get some ice cream sandwiches, I know where my mom hid them.” We started to laugh.

“Parents suck,” Julie said as we sat and ate. I agreed. I’m glad I didn’t yell. Julie is my best friend. We hung out all day walking the neighborhood and checking in with our friends. All in all it was a good day and that was important because in two days we start sixth grade. But when I came home at five, only my brother was there talking on the phone. Pancakes with blueberry syrup and butter was on the table along with flowers from my mom’s garden in a pretty glass. He smiled and handed me the phone. My older brother Matt was on the phone. He is away at college and I missed him already. We talked and he told me everything will be alright. He was coming home tonight to spend the last day of summer with me. I really didn't know what to think. I love my brother and always love to hang out with him but why is he coming home from school to hang out with me? He never did that before. Speaking of never, AJ never cooked dinner. And the flowers? Now that was really odd. I decided to wait for my mom to come home and then find out what was going on. I ate dinner with my surprisingly pleasant brother and went up to my room to compile my list of questions.



My mom walked in the door at nine p.m. My oldest brother was with her. I came into the living room with my list that had been compiled, written, and rewritten three times. I was somewhat afraid of the answers that I may get and was debating about asking any questions when my mom broke the silence.

"Mary could you sit down, honey we need to talk. Matt go get AJ."

I sat down and waited for the worst. My two brothers walked into the room and for what seemed like forever we all just sat there, looking at each other.

My mom spoke:

"Dad has been out of work for a few weeks now. I am gonna have to take a full time position at the hopital and I may need to work some extra shifts to help us catch up a bit. What I am hoping is that we can all pull together and get through this. We are all gonna tighten our belts which means packed lunches and, Mary a hold on allowances for now."

I sat there listening to my new life. No more allowances, trips to the mall, or even movie money.

"It will all go back to normal when dad gets his job back, right?" I couldn't hide the desperation in my voice and I felt my eyes well up.

"Honey, dad has a problem and only he can work through it. Matt is gonna commute to college this semester. I'm hoping by next semester things will be back to normal. Matt and AJ will be home when I'm at work."

"Matt gave up his dorm and AJ is gonna look out for me. But what about football practice and work?" AJ is always either playing a sport or working." Now my voice was sounding very shaky. "What if noone is home when I come home? What if I miss my bus and need a ride home? What if I start puking at school like I did last year? Who will come get me?" Now I was in all out, full-throttle panic mood. Complete with tears, shaking and a hysterical voice. "What if I need you?" With that I jumped off of the couch and ran up to my room. My life was changing and not for the better. I didn't want or ask for my dad to get drunk or lose his job. I didn't ask for my mom to have to work so much or for my brother to have to move back home. What changed this last week? I ran back downstairs.

"I hate this, I hate dad, I hate my life." My mom ran over and hugged me. My brothers did too. We all stood there in the middle of the living room for a long time, hugging and crying. Eventually we separated and went our own ways. My mom who was looking pretty tired went to bed. AJ and Matt went into the family room to watch tv and I stayed in the living room just staring out the front window, thinking about my dad hoping he was alright. That's where I woke up the next morning to the smell of chocolate chip pancakes. I hopped up and ran into the kitchen where I saw my mom making a fresh batch.

"Mary, sit down. I put extra chocolate chips in just for you." I sat down and she put the batch of very chocolaty chip pancakes before me. I poured blueberry syrup on top and devoured. The taste was choclate and gooey with blueberries, sweet and sticky. This was my favorite breakfast ever and I was happy. Matt came downstairs and had a plate. The smile on his face said it all. They were his favorite, too.

"Mary, I figured we could take in a movie. Do you want to ask if Julie could go?" After breakfast I ran across the street and a few minutes later Julie and I were ready to go. Matt came out to the front porch to meet us and we all left. First to stop at the dollar store for treats then to go see the 12:15 matinee. Matt, Julie, and I spent the day watching the movie, eating ice cream, and having a geat day. Today was the last day of my summer vacation and it was an awesome day. We came home, bringing two large sicillian pizzas with us. Julie had hers in the car on the way home so her mom wouldn't say anything. When Matt pulled into the drive Ruth was looking out the window. I gave Julie a piece of Trident to cover up the garlic and she went home.

"It's weird how crazy her mom is over food." I said. Matt just shook his head in agreement. There really isn't anything that you can say about that.




It's funny how the first day of school is something that you look forward to for half of the summer. The second day of school,however always sucks.

Getting dressed in my new clothes was cool. What was really cool was the makeup that my mom said I could wear. But as I opended up the make up case I realized I don't know anything about applying eyeshadow, blush or even lipstick correctly although if I had to I could fiqure lipstick out. It's just lip gloss with color, right? I double checked my new backpack, everything was in place from my neon colored gelsticks to all of my very cool notebooks and pencils.

I went downstairs for my mom's famous chocolate chip pancakes and also for some makeup tips. After all my mom always has makeup on and she looks pretty good for being old. She can help me after breakfast, of course. When I walked into the kitchen it was all I could do not to cry. There was my brother, Matt fixing what looked like mangled bits of whatever winds up in the toilet when you have the flu.

"Good morning, Molly."

"Don't call me that, why would you call me that baby name and why isn't mom here?

"She has to work today, she forgot about school when she signed up and we need the money."

"What are you making?" I didn't want to hurt my brother's feelings but that was a big mess in the frying pan that I was not about to eat.

"What's it look like? Chocolate chip pancakes but I put my own spin on them there's walnuts in there too." This is just a practice pancake the next one will look much better. Besides this is good practice, tomorrow I start my job at the bakery I have to be there at 4 am.

"Matt, I'm not really that hungry," although my stomach noises were so loud they were giving me away. I immediately felt sorry for anyone entering that bakery tomorrow. Matt didn't seem offended, in fact he continued cooking like I never said anything.

"I'm not eating!" I said,this time louder.

"OK" was his only reply. He didn't even look up at me.

I didn't say anything I got up and retrieved a plate from the dishwasher and he placed two of the ugliest looking pancakes on my plate that I have ever seen. He turned and smiled. I ate them. I will never speak of the horror I encountered with that edible atrocity.

Matt was in theatre all through high school and I know everyone was expected to wear makeup on stage. I thought maybe he could help me so I asked.

"Sure, what do you need to know?"

"Everything" I muttered half ashamed that I was asking my big brother and half relieved that he could help me.

Matt's idea of makeup was barely noticeable. He was so skilled at applying my makeup that I barely blinked when he applied my mascara. I started thinking that he was probaly better than most girls at putting on makeup which led me to thinking aboout any girlfriends he may have brought home. Did he apply their makeup? I couldn't remember any recently none since Lorraine. She was the spanish speaking gum cracking date to Matt's high school senior prom. My brother brought her home for pictures. When she stepped out of the car my mother gasped, not quietly but hand over her mouth loud with wide eyes and all. Lorraine's electric blue skirt barely covered her thighs, She had matching 5 inch heels{or so my mom would tell my dad , I couldn't measure them.] By contrast,my brother had on a black suit with a blue tie. Her walk made me nervous. She looked like an electric blue ostrich. At any time she could tilt over causing her bright blue lips to kiss the dirt or even cause her head to get buried in the sand. I laughed out loud thinking about that at the time. I didn't like her she seemed mean even when she smiled. After the pictures my brother and his electric blue gum cracking ostrich were off to the prom.

"Matt do you have any girlfriends?"

"No, I'm not seeing anyone right now."

"Have you haad a girlfriend since you started college?"

"I've dated."

"When you say you've dated have you liked anyone enough to put their makeup on?"

"No."

"Well have you... I was interrupted by an obviously annoyed Matt.

"Mary, my social life is none of your business now stay still I'm finishing your hair."

"My brother the CIA agent."

"Mary, he sounded more calm now, I don't have time to date much but if I find the right one I'll tell you, OK? And with that look into the mirror, gorgeous.

I did and what I saw was an average looking girl with strawberry blonde hair and fat cheeks. MY green eyes were sparkly though and my lips were shiny. I liked it. MY hair was pulled back and I could see my new hoop earrings. But what I was most amazed by was what I saw in the person stading behind me. He had perfectly manicured hair nails and face, his clothes were pressed and his face light up like the firework display on New Year's Eve complete with a smile so white it could blind you. I had never seen him so excited about anything that had to do with me. He almost looked... feminine? Suddenly he caught a glimpse of my studying face and quickly regained his big brother, CIA composure.

"Mary, when do I need to take you to the busstop?"

"Are you gay?" I couldn't believe I just said that it slipped out of my mouth."I'm..

"My private life is none of your business", He shoouted at me.

"I'm sorry I don't know why I asked that, it is sooo gross to think of you that way." I said complete with wrist bending motion.

"Let's go, Mary", so quiet I could barely hear him.

" I'm sorry, Matt I should have known."

"Known what?"

"That you're not like that." My face was contorted to underscore how disgusting it all was.

"Get in the car." His voice sounded wet.

"I'm sorry," I hollered as I turned off his Madonna CD. I know you like girls.

"That's alright Mary you don't know how sorry I am too. almost inaudible.

The rest of the day went downhill from there. Julie refused to sit with me on the bus. She was sitting with Olivia a real stuck up brat who never used to want to talk to us. That suited me fine but now I'd like to know what changed. Lunched sucked too. Julie was sitting with Olivia and the rest of the cheerleaders. She looked so out of place. Like the only human among aqua net aliens. And to top it off there was an empty seat at their table with a tray and bottle of water just sitting there like someone was thirsty. To top it all off noone ate anything! I kept looking over at Julie hoping that she would at least wave hi or even invite me to sit but no chance. It was like she knew where I was but refused to turn my way. I spent the afternoon thinking what I could have done wrong. Finally, I decided to just go over her house tonight and ask.

If the bus ride home wasn't bad enough with Julie and Olivia sharing the backseat and me sitting by myself up front because I got on late. There was noone waiting for me at the stop. I though Julie would offer me a ride but her mom quickly picked them up and left. I came home to an empty locked house without a key. Nooe answered at Julie's. Her mom had returned to work. Julie, however was peeking out of her bedroom window but still didn't answer the doof. I walked down to Joey's house, he was playing basketball out front of his house.

"Mary, you wanna play?"

"No, can I use your phone?"

"Yeah, if you can beat me to the front door." The smirk that crept across his face was contagious and I was closer so without a word I went for the door.

I won.

I called my mom. When she finally came to the phone she told me she couldn't leave and asked to speak with Joey's mom.

"She's ok here." Joey's mom said while looking over at me.

"Your mom will pick you up at eight, are you hungry?'

Joey shook his head yes for both of us and we sat down for carob cake with soy milk. I was truly afraid of my food and Joey must have sensed it, either that or he was afraid too.

"It's good, he said. My mom is a nutritionist and a vegetarian. All food around here is healthy but it tastes good too." He dove into that cake like it was the best tasting thing ever so I decided to give it a try.
Another meal I will never mention again. I did eat it all, not to be rude. I even smiled. But carob and chocolate are not the same and don't ever let anyone say differently. Afterwards we played video games and shoot hoops, I didn't win but played respectably. That did not go unnoticed.

"You're prettty good for a girl and all. You should go out for the girl's basketball team next year, that is if you're not going for cheerleading like everyone else."

"I hate cheerleading."I was being honest. I wanted to go out for track like my brother AJ but I had to start jogging at some point and I didn't know how to begin.

By the time my mom picked me up I was thoroughly exhausted. Dinner was a combination of rice oranges and beans thatI will never try again.
I gave my mom the silent treatment, I did not even look at her. This was perhaps the most embarrasing thing that I have ever experienced. I got oout of the car and saw Matt's car in the driveway, engine still felt warm so he must have just gotten home and here comes AJ jogging down the street bookbag strung across his back still in sweats. I turned to my mom and asked "who will be here tomorrow?"

" I will and I have a surprise."

I didn't even answer I just went upstairs to my room and cried. MY room was purple with pink yellow and blue butterflies positioned on my walls to simulate flight. The light brown bureau had butterfly picture frames of all the people I loved. I picked up each frame one by one and examined it closely. My dad and I on the beach building a sandcastle, did he look like he was hiding a secret? I tried to study his eyes for any clue at all. Nothing. I threw the picture against the wall.

I looked at the picture of Julie and I out front of my house taken this summer. There is Julie with an ice cream cone, smiling. I remembered that day, Julie had just come back from the doctor's office. Her mom was happy because she had lost two pounds. Julie celebrated after her mom left with an ice cream cone. I threw that one against the wall also. Then I ran downstairs and out the door. I wanted to know what was going on with Julie.

Julie's house was all lit up so I knew that she was home. Her mom's car was in the driveway and so was another one, one I did not recognize. I knocked on the door. Noone answered. Again. Noone answered. I did see curtains shift in the front window. I stayed for a few more minutes but noone answered so I went home.

I went home and right to bed I never felt more alone and sad. I was hoping that maybe when I woke up things would be back to normal and these past few weeks would have all been a nightmare.
The next morning I opened my eyes and took a deep whiff of something fragrantly wonderful, perhaps the most wonderful smell ever. I leaped ouot of bed and ran downstairs. There on the kitchen table were the largest stack of chocolate chip pancakes I have ever seen. I dove in.

"Mary save some for our guest."

"Julie?" I asked hopefully. Maybe it all was a bad dream.

"No", my mom said. My mom was not aware of all that was going on with me and I wasn't sure I should tell her. I had heard her crying more than once and I knew she missed my MIA drunk dad.

"Who?" Just then my ever crumbling life took a nose dive right off the edge of sanity's cliff.

"Princess Molly loves her pancakes" said a gruffy slightly smelly old voice with a smile that was missing quite a few molars. Princess I am so happy to see you.

"Grandpa?" I looked over to my mom. "Is this the surprise?" She nodded hesitantly.

"Molly, give your grandpa a hug." I walked over and obliged.

"Hi grandpa, how long are you here for?"

"As long as needed, princess. When your mom told me what happened yesterday, I packed up my bags and Hawley and came right over."

"Hawley?"

And at that moment into the kitchen hobbled the fattest dog I have ever seen. "She's a rescue. I found her at the shelter, her old owner passed away and I can relate to losing someone who you love."

My grandma died last year and we all knew that my grandpa took it very hard. I didn't knoow he adopted a dog, though. I went over to pet her. "Grandpa why is her name Hawley? Isn't that a boy dog's name?"

"When I was a boy I had a hound dog named Hawley and so that's what I call her. I forget her real name alot and she comes to both names. I'm beginning to forget things more often. He looked over at my mom.

Great, I thought entrust me into the care of a man with no teeth, bad breath and so forgetful he can't even remember his dog's name.

"I never forget to feed her, though." Grandpa said looking over at me as if he could read my mind.

The ride to the busstop was painful. I was in the backseat and my mom was trying to show my grandpa how to go down one block make a right and make the next right. He finally got it after two times. That made me late and Joey was already in line book bag in the first spot.

"Joey" I turned around and there was his mom hollering for him from her call and waving him over.

"Your mommy wants you" I said as I grinned from ear to ear.

He ran to the car and I took the first spot. He came back dejected with a Bugs Bunny lunch box. I couldn't help but laugh. He looked at it and said," I was gonna toss it but she packed my favorites and I don't have any lunch money, so laugh if you want." I stopped. I had my own packed lunch in a paper bag.

Julie came to the stop with Olivia yet again this morning. She acted like I didn't even exist. I walked over to her.

"Hey Julie."

"Julie doesn't want to talk to you anymore, fattie."

"I wasn't talking to Julie and I'm not fat. Even if I was I could lose weight but you'll always be ugly."

"Clever, I'll remember that when I see your ugly mom."

At that I came at her at full force but Julie's mom ran over and got in between us.

"Mary! Stop acting like an animal. Julie has made new friends you'll have to get over it!
If you try that again I'll have to tell your mother."

"Or your fall down drunk dad." Olivia said laughing. Julie's mom just shot her a look.

Julie just stood there playing with a red string bracelet wrapped around her wrist, her eyes were sad but she wouldn't even look at me.

"Julie," {I whispered so the rest of the stop wouldn't hear} you're not my friend anymore?

She shook her head "no" slowly and silently. I walked to my books and didn't speak all day.

The ride home from the bus was hard. Big mouth Olivia made sure she was having a good time louder than anyone I had ever heard before. I heard Julie laughing too.

The next few weeks went by slowly. My grandpa managed to find his way to and from the busstop daily. He also always had a snack when I came home. I would eat and head straight up to my room. My grades were great. I had nothing better to do. My grandpa was trying to cheer me up but I would have none of it. Julie hadn't spoken to me in weeks and I was sad and mad about it. My dad was also MIA. I had overheard my mom and gradpa talking. He got a job as a bartender a few blocks down the road and apparently was still drinking. That, I guess, was the criteria for him coming home. He had not been home and I had not seen him in a long, long time. I guess I was mad at how conditional my mom's love was. Just because my dad drank did not mean that we stopped loving him, at least not me anyway. I wondered what it would take for my mom to stop loving me. Julie's mom didn't like her when she was overweight, but now since she is thin-very thin her mom has brought her a whole new wardrobe. Something else I heard through the grapevine because the people that matter to me are not talking to me at all.

Halloween came. I did not go out, there was no reason for me to. I did give out candy though and was surprised when I opened up the door to find Julie, OLivia and Joey trick or treating.

"Trick or treat." Olivia had a grin from ear to ear dressed as some sort of sci-fi sleeze complete with alien head gear and green bodysuit only minimally covering her. "Just put my share in Joey's bag. Julie's too."

Julie was dressed as Biker Barbie and I could tell she was embarrassed by how rediculous she looked. She had on the smallest and tighest shorts I have ever seen. She also looked extremely thin.

"Who are Slutty Barbie and Sleszy Alien Barbie?" I knew it was wrong but they really looked disgustingly thin and sleazy. Just then my mom came walking in. She gasped then proceeded to speak very loudly.

"Olivia, Julie do either of your mother's know how the two of you are dressed. I'm gonna call them both. Get in here now! Joey go home."

The both of them came walking in their heads down and they seemed very sad looking. My mom seeing how sad they looked told them to go right home and she wouldn't say anyhting.

"But if I ever see any of you dressed like that again I will call."

"Thank's Karen." Julie said. It was the first thing I've heard her say in weeks.

"Wow, you can still speak for yourself. I was beginning to think someone stole your voice." I was so angry with her.

During the angry exchange of glances between Julie and I my grandpa came walking in.

"Princess Molly are these your friends?" My grandpa smiled I guess he was happy to see me talking with someone no matter how they looked.

It was Olivia who spoke up "Yes, were here to speak with royality." Her grin was pure evil and it seemed my mom or grandpa couldn't see it. Just me. Oh my god, I thought my life is over.

As they were leaving Olivia hissed over to me "I'm sure everyone would love to know that you're royalty, Princess."

I held my cool until they left then I blasted my grandpa, "stop calling me that, I have not seen the book in years and I am not four years old anymore."

The book was about a princess named Molly who overcame all the mean goblins and sprites at Fairytale school. My grandpa read that to me when I came to visit. I loved the book and when he read it to me. He started calling me Princess Molly and the name stuck. That god-awful baby name stuck. He still called me it and now so will the whole school.

Olivia was popular. She did not become that way through being nice. She was mean and didn't care whose feelings she hurt. I had heard that her mom and dad split up over the summer and now her dad was dating Julie's mom. I guess that's how they became friends. I had noticed that Julie was looking so sickly and decided to ask my mom what she thought.

"Mom, does Julie look alright to you?"

"Mary, Julie looks very sick to me. I think I'm gonna call her mom tonight to give her mom a head's up. Has she been eating lunch at school?"

"I have not been sitting with her. She does not talk to me and Olivia hates me."

My mom seemed surprised.

"Mom I have not left the house since the beginning of the school year. You didn't even notice did you? Did you notice that Olivia was making it a point tonight to tell me that my life is over at school? Especially now that she knows I'm called princess?"

"No, I'm sorry I had no idea that you have been having such a hard time. Is there anyway I can help?"

"Tell grandpa to stop calling me princess. In fact tell him to go back home with his old ugly dog and tell dad to move back home. In fact you could go back in time and stop this whole disaster from the beginning by paying more attention to your family." I now was screaming at the top of my lungs. "If maybe you did dad may not have started drinking again."

Slap!

That is the sound a very angry mother makes as she aims the backside of her hand against an angry and hysterical daughter's cheek. I ran up to my room and slammed the door.

I walked quietly downstairs later on that night to get a cup of tea and a couple of miniature snicker bars. There was no mark left on my face but the actual action still stung. I was still mad at my mom. I overheard her on the phone, she was talking about Julie.

"I tried talking to Ruth but she hung up on me. She was acting crazy saying I was only saying that Julie had a problem because Julie is popular and Mary is fat and unpopular. I'm worried about her, Tom and I thought you should know."

Tom was Julie's dad and I don't know why my mom would be talking to him or how she had his number he didn't care about Julie at all.

"See you tomorrow."

See your tomorrow what the heck is happening here? I walked in to ask her but she hung up quickly and told me to go to bed.

"You need to learn that I am not your sounding board. If you are mad at anyone you are not going to yell at me because of it."

I nodded.

"I have been trying to pay the bills and keep up with everything else that seems to be going wrong around here and the last thing I need is for you or anyone else to scream at me for things that are out of my control. Your dad cannot come home while he is drinking. Those are my rules and I will not explain them to you. I spoke to grandpa about calling you princess he didn't know it was such a capital offense. Maybe you should try talking sometime and not waiting and exploding your anger all over me."

I went in the kitchen got my tea and chocolate and went upstairs. My mom was right, of course. I needed to stop being so mean. It wasn't her fault that Julie was so messed up and she really was not to blame for my dad being MIA and drunk. But still she never knows what's going on and she is never around when I need to talk. She is always tired anymore and never wants to have any fun. "We're broke." is all I ever here. I was considering how much my life has changed while I went back into the kitchen for more chocolate, rocky road ice cream this time. I ate until I couldn't move then I passed out. The worst Friday night of my life.

The next morning I woke up with ice cream stuck in my hair and chocolate stuck to my face. I stumbled -no-rolled downstairs and found my brother, AJ sitting at the kitchen table.

"Hey," I said.

"You look like something that should be heading for the garbage disposal. You know I've noticed you've been locking yourself in your room and eating every last bit of junk in the house. Keep it up and you'll need to be hauled out by a mac truck."

"So, my life sucks and I'm dealing with it."

My brother got up and walked over to my sneakers picked them up and tossed them over to me. "Put these on and I'll show you another way to deal. Then go wash your face."

I did what I was told and met my brother at the back door. He was stretching, I followed suit.

My brother it seems was paying attention to me, even though I had no idea.

"Start jogging." He was definately a brother of few words.

"I don't think I can."

"Just start, you can't just lay around all the time. You'll start to hate everything including yourself."

I did already feel bad but I didn't think I hated myself. I started to jog. It did not feel good."How long are we gonna do this?"

"Just a ccouple of miles, try to keep up with me."

AJ was slowing down to stay with me. After a few minutes of jogging a good feeling started to take over, I think I even smiled.

"Mary, you need to take better care of yourself. You can't take it out on yourself if everyone else is acting like idiots. You don't want to wind up sick."

"Do you think dad will ever stop drinking and come back home? I mean, I want to be able to see him, to talk to him I really miss him."

" Dad is not the same when he drinks he is mean and you really wouldn't want to be around him. Not at all. Mom is looking out for us by keeping him away right now. You just have to trust her. Dad knows the rules and when he wants to follow them he'll be home."

"Wow how far have we gone?" I was pleasently surprised by how far I could go. AJ could you help me train for the track team tryouts for next year? I think tryouts are in May."

"Sure. You'll really love running all of your problems go away with every step."

I could see why my brother jogged. I started taking more powerful steps imagining I was crushing Olivia's head with every step. Then when I sufficiently crushed her skull I imagined that I was an olympic medalist winning a triathalon. My mind drifted over alot of different scenarios as I jogged with my brother. He didn't talk, I guess he was in his zone. Imagining what? I really didn't know or ask.

We got home and I went upstairs and did some situps. I got a shower and decided to go see how my grandpa was doing. I hadn't given him a chance. He was sleeping but Hawley was awake. I gave Hawley a treat and petted her for while. Hawley was a good old dog and when I left the room she collapsed into her dog bed and immediately began snoring. I didn't really know what to do with myself all day so I went for a walk and found myself at my mom's hospital. My mom is an ER Nurse. I went to the front and asked the lady if I could say hi to my mom and the lady said "NO! The lady was so loud that I turned quickly and ran out the doulble doors right into my mom.
"Mary, what are you doing here, honey?"

"I just thought I would come and say hi but that lady yelled at me so I thought I'd just go home."

My mom looked over at the mean woman and shook her head. "That's just Emma, she's miserable. Mary if you want to come see me let me show you what you can do. But you can't tell anyone and you can't do this all the time."

My mom took me around the corner to where the ambulances parked and showed me a door with a keypad right next to it.

My mom turned to me and whispered,"Mary the combination to the door is 4911 just punch in the code and pull the door open. If ever you need to talk to me come in this way. But don't come here at night and you can't come every day. This place is busy and has things that happen that you shouldn't see. Now follow me I'll show you the lounge where you can wait for me. I'm getting done early today and I thought we could go to dinner, just us."

The place was busy and I was glad when we got to the lounge. I really didn't want to be around all the commotion. My mom looked right at home though. I peeked through the door of the lounge I saw my mom give needles and alot of other things that I didn't know or understand. I realized that my mom's work was a mystery and I really wanted to know more about it. Maybe some day I could come to work with her asnd see what she does. I made myself some coffee, I had never had any before and thought why not? It was strong and required seven spoonfuls of sugar. It then tasted pretty good. I sat drank coffee and waited for at least an hour by the time my mom came back I was moving all over the place. The coffee and sugar gave me so much energy I couldn't stay still. I made a mental note to drink more of this in the morning maybe then I wouldn't be so tired on the ride in to school.

"Ready?"

I shook my head in response. I really didn't care where we went I was just happy aboout going somewhere and not spending another night at home locked up in my room.

We drove for nearly an hour and wound up in front of this little hole in the wall italian restaaurant.

My mom noticed my shocked slightly disgusted look. The place looked like it hadn't been cleaned in years.

"This is where your father and I used to go when we were dating. I have alot of good memories here and the food is awesome."

We were seated and given a menu. When the food arrived I was surprised at how good it was.

"Mary, we have to talk."

The bombshell. I knew we weren't just going out to have fun. There's always an agenda, a reason behind everything and here it is and it must be something big. Why else would she go through all this trouble. I sighed loudly.

"What?" What could be worse than my dad being gone, my best friend hating me and the utter atrocities that will occur on Monday when everyone finds out my stupid nick name.

"Dad has decided not to come back. He still wants to see you, though and if you want to see him I could schedule a time."

I digested the information but couldn't understand. "What do you mean he's not coming back? Never? Are you two divorcing like Julie's parents? What do you mean? I felt sick throughout my whole body and didn't want to be here. "Can we go home and talk, mom? "I feel sick."

My mom didn't talk we just got up and left. On the way out the door the waiter ran over to my mom and gave up boxes with our uneaten dinners inside. She shook her head and mouthed thanks. I ran outside and around the building where I puked up my guts. It was silent all the way home. I was really sick and tired. I didn't give my mom any chance to talk. I went to bed and fell asleep.

The next morning I got up, slipped on my running shoes and headed out. I stretched my legs and arms, feeling good about the prospect of taking good care of myself.

I ran. I ran for blocks thinking about my family,school and Julie. I thought about divorce and how my brothers might feel about it. I ran harder as I thought about how everyone in my life is so messed up. I ran until I had to stop and rest my legs. I was bent over hands on my hips when I looked up and saw what looked like my grandpa. I caught my breath, well sort of, and jogged lightly over to where my grandpa was.

"Hi Prin..oh I'm sorry. Hi Mary. What are you doing here?

"What are you doing here?" I asked as I looked up and around and noticed where I was. We were standing right in front of a church.

"I went to church this morning. This is my good friend Reverend Everett."

I looked over and up, and up some more. This guy was at least six feet tall and huge in every way. Even his voice was huge.

"Well hello." Then he looked over at my grandpa, "Bill this is your granddaughter?"


My grandpa shook his head yes, smiling. Then the Reverend turned to me and asked, "are you coming in to church?"

"No, I'm running. See ya later," I said as I ran as fast as I could. It's not like I hate church and I even believe in God. But church, no way that's all I need to fall asleep in a pew and have everyone know that I snore. I picked up my pace but I turned my head when the Reverend hollered, "stop by anytime." I could hear his thunderous voice laughing at my quick get away.

Heading home I thought about visiting my dad. If AJ was right why would my dad want to visit with us? Why would he ask? I thought about that and by the time I found my way to my front door I decided I would visit with him. I was pretty excited about seeing my dad and would let my mom know that I wanted to see my dad when she got home this evening.

Matt and AJ were both home. That was a rarity and I took the oppurtunity to ask if either of them would visit with dad. AJ was the first to answer.

"No way, I don't want anything to do with him."

My brother Matt was quiet for quite a while. He finally said, "I don't know. I miss him but I hate how he is when he's drunk."

"Please will someone tell me what he is like drunk? I mean everyone says he's awful but could either of you tell me how? Has he murdered anyone or set any puppies on fire?" I needed to know what harm has he done to cause my brothers not to want to be anywhere near him."

"He does not set puppies on fire. You really have a sick mind sometimes. He just is mean and doesn't care whose feelings he hurts."

Matt joined in on AJ's remarks. "He used to yell at mom calling her fat and ugly. He would yell at AJ when he couldn't get his homework and he just hated me. If he got mad he would throw things and break them. Mom would sit up and wait by the front window for him for hours at a time. We could hear crying. I know I hated him and so did AJ. I don't want nothing to do wiht him when he's like this."

I sat down on the kitchen chair for a long time. I remember seeing my uncle Thom drunk once but he just got loud and sang until he passed out. I don't remember ever seeing any one mean. I sat for most of the morning drinking coffee and thinking. Maybe I'll ask someone, but who? Matt took AJ to shop for clothes. I thought I could try and talk to Julie, but no one answered the phone. Caller ID is working well for them. I walked around my house thinking for the next couple of hours but I really didn't know what to do. By the time my mom came home at four I was buzzing throughout the house drinking coffee, eatting chocolate and straightening up. My mom decided that I coould not have anymore coffee and then she hid the cannister so I couldn't make anymore. She asked how I made it and I told her seven scoops. She looked shocked and then was a little mad.

"I will show you how to make coffee in the morning."

"Mom, I decided that I want to see dad."

"I'll ask him to come to see you after school tomorrow."

"OK, I have the worst stomachache," I said as I bent over in extreme pain. My mom gave me some pink stuff and suggested it may have been the 2 pots of coffee I had today. I did not believe her for a moment.

Having my mom home and hanging out was great. We rented movies and ate popcorn. I fell half asleep on the couch watching Grease for the millionth time in my life. I started daydreaming about being a teenager. That is what I expect highschool to be, cool guys great clothes and cool cars. I cannot wait until I go. Hopefully Julie will be back to her normal self and maybe Olivia will fall off the earth or get eatten by a bunch of vultures this summer while she is sunbathing. She looks dead, anyway all skin and bones and I swear her hair looks like it is falling out. I immediately felt guilty for hoping she becomes food for anything. I mean she wouldn't even feed a hungry worm. So maybe she could be abducted by aliens and force fed until she is overstuffed and then can become alien Thanksgiving food. Better yet maybe she could move away to antartica and never be heard from again. I was enjoying my daydreaming until bedtime when I dreamt about all the horrific ways someone could tease me about my nickname. Then I dreamt that Olivia was sitting up making a list of every possible way to humiliate me in the morning. Smiling and laughing in an evil maniacal way sort of like the wicked witch meets the big bad wolf. She is magically evil and she wants to eat me alive.

I could not possibly dream about this horror anymore so I woke up extra early and decided to go on a quick run to psych me up before the day. I got dressed and jogged downstairs when I heard the ambulance sirens. I ddidn't think much of it until I saw the lights right out my front window. I ran outside and there lying on my front lawn was my dad. The paramedics were trying to wake him up but he wasn't moving. I ran over to him. By now there were neighbors out front and I could see Julie looking out her window. She looked like a ghost, I had to do a double take. She did not come out. My dad was slowing coming to and I heard the parameddiic say he's fall out drunk. I was by now holding my dad's hand while he was on the stretcher being wheeled into the rig. My mom was still on the porch. My dad's eyes were closed and the paramedic tilted my dad's head to the side when he looked like he was gonna puke. My dad did just that. Then my dad began to shake all over. The paramedics got him in the truck and started giving him needles, for what I don't know. I did hear the paramedic tell the driver to hurry because, "he's seizing." My mom walked into the house. I looked around and hollered out to everyone of the piece of crap nosy neighbors who came out to watch my dad, "You can all go home now are you happy now that you see someone else's life sucks more than yours?" Then I saw her, Olivia standing out front of Julie's, smiling. I felt a wave of anger mixed with hatred and nausea like I never felt before. I took off towards her. I wanted to beat her into a bloody mess. I wanted the ambulance to have pick up her ravaged remains lying on the front grass like they did my father. I wanted to kill her. I remeber a loud angst filled groan leaving my body as I ran. She stood there I knew she was scared and that fueled my fury even more. Then I felt someone grabbing me from behind, holding me back. I turned briefly to see my two brothers grabbing either of my arms. I tried to fight free but they both had a hold on me. Finally my brother Matt hollered over to Olivia, "get in the house before we let go of her." That snapped Olivia out of her fear and she ran into the house. I could hear the door lock behind her. Julie was still staring out the window. I collapsed to the ground crying hysterically.

"Why didn't mom help dad? Why did she stay on the porch? How can she not love him because he has a problem? What happens if I ever have a problem will she stop loving me too? I now was barely able to speak I was crying so hard. Finally, I stopped and looked over at Matt, is dad gonna die?"

It was AJ who spoke, "Mom found dad this morning. I heard the front door open so I looked outside my window and saw her turn him on his stomach. She ran in got the phone and called someone I guess it was 911. She had his head on her lap and was talking to him to quietly for me to hear while she was rubbing his head. I swear she prayed. Whwn the ambulance came she spoke with them and they got to work on him. That's when she went to the porch. She cares, Mary."

I did not go to school. My mom and I went to see how my dad was doing. My mom did not talk about finding him or about my outburst. She just didn't talk. Finally I could not stand it anymore and I had to break the silence.

"Mom, you still love dad, right?"

"I will always love your father, Mary. I can not live with him like this, though. He is destroying himself and I have to look out for us all. When Matt and AJ were small they saw some things that were terrible. I have shielded you from them and I don't want to go back to that life again. Your father is a good man with a problem that only he can solve. If I could solve it for him, I would. But I can't and neither can you. Let's get some coffee. We walked over to the coffee stand located in the lobby. I have to tell you that stand is a coffee lover's heaven. My mom ordered a mocha latte with an extra shot of espresso. I did the same with a brownie on the side. I was briefly traansported to heaven via chocolate and caffeine wings. The pure genius behind that drink. Whoever invented that should win a Nobel Peace Prize. World peace is overrated anyway. My mom smiled when she saw how much I enjoyed my drink.

"It's my favorite," she said. It was now mine also. I looked at my mom. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed the change in her. I had been so focussed on myself that I really didn't notice anything else these past few months. My mom was thinner and her hair was pulled back and looked like she hadn't brushed it in a long while. She had dark circles under her eyes that makeup could not hide and her eyes were swollen and bloodshot like she had been crying for years. I felt sorry that I ever thought she would stop loving my dad or me. She's here taking me to see him.

On the way my mom stopped into the ER and introduced me to all the nurses and the DR. She thanked everyone. She then went to the lounge and ordered four large pizzas on her credit card , tip and all for everyone there. My dad was in the MICU. My mom prepared me for seeing him but there really was no preparation for what I walked into.

I saw my dad. I think it was my dad. I saw someone lying in bed with a large tube sticking into his mouth and a smaller one in his nose draining black into the wall. He had contraptions all over his body. My mom started to explain everything to me. One for his heart. One for his temp and one for his blood pressure. The tube in his mouth was breathing for him and the tube in his nose was emptying his stomach. "It was black coming out probaly because they needed to pump the alcohol out of his stomach," she said. "He had medicine to help him relax and he did not hurt," mom said. I stood there paralyzed with fear.

"Is he gonna die?" I said as calmly as I could. That's when I noticed we were not alone in the room. My mom was shocked too. Sobbing quietly in the corner was my brother, Matt. We ran to him and hugged him. We all cried.

"How long have you been here?"

"I left after Molly calmed down. I didn't want him to be alone. AJ has been here too. He went to the cafeteria to get something to eat. I just couldn't leave him. Mom, is he gonna be alright?"

That's when the nurse walked in. My mom looked relieved to see her. My mom talked very quietly to her I could barely hear her.

"Marge, please just regulars taking care of him. Call me if there are any problems at all." The nurse hugged my mom and shook her head in agreement.

"How is he?" My mom seemed afraid to ask. That's when the discussion got so technical that I could not understand. But my mom looked relieved so I assumed it was good news.

Karen, you guys need to step out I have to assess him."

"Do you need any help?"

"No, there's cookies and coffee in the back. Why don't you get some for all of you, or if you want real food the cafeteria has stuffed shells today." That's when AJ showed up. We all decided to go down the road to the diner. My mom said the cafeteria wasn't the greatest and AJ agreed, he didn't get anything there.

"They are gonna try to wean him off the breathing machine this afternoon. They'll wake him up and see if he can breathe on his own. He had alcohol poisoning. He should be fine by tomorrow morning. Mary, I'll pick you up early from school tomorrow and we'll go see him." I forgot about school. I didn't want to go, Olivia and her friends were going to make it miserable for me I was sure about that. The big question was what would Julie do? My mom interrupted my thinking but telling us all to go to school tomorrow.I had a grilled cheese for lunch with a coffee. The coffee was the worst, I could not even finish it.

When we finished Matt and AJ drove home together and mom and I did as well. I was still sad about dad and decided to go for a jog to work off all my anxiety about my dad, school, and my mom looking like she aged twenty years in a few months. I checked in on my pop before I left but he wasn't there. He left a note that he went to see my dad. He'll be back for supper. I left.

Jogging had become a daily necessity. It felt good. I ran into Joey and he wanted to come. But I liked going alone and he understood. I ran by the church again to see Reverend Everitt out front, gardening. I stopped.

"You're the preacher and the gardener, too?"

He looked up and smiled. I love to know that I helped these flowers bloom so beautifully. Gardening helps me work out life's pronblems. Kind of like jogging does for you, I assume. Pass me those box of bulbs, please."

I did what I was told. "You have problems? What kind of problems could a reverend have?"

"All sorts. Life is hard for everyone. Even reverends. I pray everyday and I garden to relax. You should try it."

"Gardening?"

"Both." With that his phone rang and he waved goodbye to me. I continued on my way. I thought about gardening and prayer. I think I'll try the gardening. I could pray for my dad to get better. So I did, I prayed and ran at the same time. When I got home my mom took me to get bulbs and I gardened too. Even with all of that I still worried about my dad and school. But I worried less because I was so busy. Is that the secret? Maybe if I keep busy enough I'll have no worries at all. So after gardening I cleaned the house and my room. I took Hawley on a very short walk around the block and then gave her treats. I organized all the drawers and cabinets in the kitchen and finally before eight o'clock I passed out from exhaustion. I slept better then I had in a really long time. I woke up refreshed but late. My mom was at work so my grandpa fixed oatmeal for breakfast. I just had coffee. I got dressed and decided to walk to the stop. My grandpa must have followed me because I spotted his car a block away from the bus stop. Neither Julie or Olivia waited in line. Julie's mom drove them to the stop and they were all sitting in her car, waiting. I was waiting too. I knew today would suck and I knew that the rest of my last year here was gonna be miserable but I refused to let anyone keep me from going. I stood tall in line.

"How'd you get here so fast?" I turned to see Joey standing behind me looking a little annoyed.

"I walked."

"You wanna shout hoops after school?" My mom said you could stay for dinner if your mom's working.

"I'll shoot hoops tomorrow but I'm busy today."

"How's your dad?"

"He's gonna be ok. Thanks for asking."

"Here comes the bus."

They must have him or saw the bus themselves because Olivia and Julie both got out of the car at the same time. They both looked like any small puff of air could knock them over. They did not say a word to me and I did not even look their way.

Most of the day no one spoke to me. I had become an outcast thanks to Olivia. She made sure that no one ever bothered with me. If you did you would be an outcast too. The only person not affected by her rules was Joey. He did and said whatever he wanted and didn't care what anyone thought. I respected him for that. I made it through most of the day without one remark about my nickname or my dad. I thought I was home free until last period. I walked in and found a huge banner hung over the blackboard that said:

FAT PRINCESS MOLLY AND KING
FALL DOWN DRUNK DAD!

Olivia, Julie and the other girls were all snickering in the back of the class. I ripped the sign down and tore it up and threw it into the trash bin. The teacher finally came in and settled the class down. I did not tell I was too embarrassed. My mom came and picked me up a few minutes later. I stopped in the girls room before I left and cried. I did not want anyone to see me cry. I did not tell my mom either.

When we got to the hospital we both got another coffee and went to see my dad. There was no one in the room. My mom went to the nursing station and came back shaking her head sadly.

"Your dad woke up, pulled the tube out and all of his IV's and left the hospital AMA.

"AMA?"

"Against Medical Advice. The nurse caring for him today said he was shaking and was yelling. He probaly needed a drink."

" Where is he now? Is he ok? How could they let him leave?"

"If he wants to go no one can make him stay, Mary. I'm sure he'll be ok."

" How do we know that? We should go look for him. Maybe he's walking down the road."

"No someone picked him up according to everyone here. He got a ride."

" Who picked him up?"

"Nobody recognized her. I'm sure he's ok. Let's go home. You're making a scene."

"Her?" Who's her and where did she take him. The only time I've seen my dad in months is when he's so drunk he dion't even know I'm there. And now you tell me som other girl is picking him up? Do you know who it is?"

"Yes, Mary your dad has a friend who he is spending time with. She's looking after him now."

I was stunned into complete silence. My dad has a girlfriend. He has another life outside of all of us. He's enjoying being away from us all. I felt like an orphan. There really is no explaining how bad you feel when your dad leaves you. But it is even worse when he is enjoying a whole other life and you're stuck missing him back in his old one. I now know how Julie felt when her dad left. I turned to my mom.

"Do my brother's know?"

"No. I wasn't sure until now. I heard rumors but I try not to listen. I don't think we should tell them."

"I think we should. I didn't like it when I found out about dad. It was worse knowing that everyone else knew except me."

My mom shook her head in agreement but didn't answer. She told Matt,AJ and my grandpa at dinner. No one responded. Dinner was eatten in complete silence. Afterwards I went jogging. I saw the reverend on my travels and waved he smiledd and waved back. I liked him. He was nice and that meant a whole lot right now because noone else was in my life.

Every day in school was worst than the last. Walking down the hall I would hear chanting in back of me."Fat Princess Molly." Sometimes I would turn around and I wouldn't even know who would be saying it. I started to have to use the bathroom in the nurse's office because when I went into any bathroom I was followed and teased. Someone threw gum into my head on the bus one afternoon. I told the principal but because I didn't know who did it there was nothing she could do. One day someone spat from the bus at me as I was walking home. I had a huge ee in my hair. I cried. I did not tell anyone no one could help. Day in and day out this went on. Not one teacher noticed. If they did they chose to not help me at all. I hated going to school and a couple times I ditched. When my mom found out she screamed at me and grounded me. I had no outlet at all. I couldn't even jog any more. I was thankful for Thanksgiving break. I was allowed back out and I had a break from hell.

The first thing I did was go jogging. It felt good. The air was brisk and it slightly burned my lungs when I took deep breaths in but still there was no feeling like it in the world. I stopped by to see the reverend as he was getting into his car. We talked and he said,"one day I'll have to tell you how your grandpa and I met. He is a real hero."

He started the car and I took my cue to leave. I thought about my grandpa for the rest of my run. I couldn't imagine him a hero. He was forgetful, sloppy and sometimes no alot of times he forgot to shower. He smelled and had no teeth. He was a hero? At some point I would have to hear this story.

Thanksgiving was great. My mom made a wonderful dinner and Matt helped. AJ and I set the table and we all cleaned up. My grandpa watched football with AJ and Matt put on Christmas music and we played cards. It was a great day and when I went up to bed I knew, somehow I would not have another day like that again for a long while. Thanksgiving break was fun. I caught up on all the school work I was behind on and went jogging everyday. The reverend was down south visiting family and so I thought I'd ask my grandpa about him being a hero.


"Don't you listen to him. We've been friends for years. We grew up together he's exaggerating. Here walk old Hawley, will ya?"

I put her lease on and took her for a walk. Her walks were always short becuase she was a fat dog on short legs and tired quickly.

"Fat Molly walking her Fat Dog." It was Olivia hollering out of Julie's bedroom window. I turned to walk into my house and walked right into my brother, Matt.

"I thought I'd walk with you. You seem to be so sad lately. Is that what's going on? You're being bullied?"

I nodded my head. I turrned my face away from the window and cried. I started to tell my brother about everything the signs, the gum the spitting and all of the teasing. I told him everything. He walked with me and listened. He didn't say anything. I kept looking over at him but I could not recognize any reaction in his face. Finally I stopped talking.

"I was teased alot through school too. I was teased for different reasons. I want you to know it gets better and if she thinks she is getting to you she'll keep at it. You should tell people though. We all knew there was something wrong, even grandpa noticed. You need to let us all in. We can help." I didn't know how anyone could really help me but if they could I would really appreciate it and I told him so. It all seemed hopeless.

We went in and I went to my room. Death wasn't completely unappealing right now although I would never kill myself. At least I don't think I would. But who knows how bad things can get. My dad left, my best friend hates me and I am the outcast of the school. That's pretty bad. I sat in my bed listening to music.

AJ walked in. He had a pen and paper.

"Who's teasing you?"

I was really afraid to tell him. AJ had always had a mean streak in him and I knew he beat people up. He never hurt me though and since all this crap with my dad he has never once been mean to me, but still.

"I don't want to tell you."

"Why?"

"I don't want you to beat anyone up. That's why."

"I'm not gonna do that I'm making a list in case I'm friends with their older brothers and sisters. They can beat them up or talk to them about not bullying you. Now names."

I told him everyone. He couldn't believe all the names.

"Are you the school outcast or what?"

I shook my head yes as my eyes welled up with tears. He hugged me quickly and left.

I went to school that Monday and no one spoke to me. No one at all. There was no teasing laughing spitting or gum throwing. It was like I didn't exist. I was so happy. I didn't care that no one noticed me it felt better then the way I was getting noticed. It was going well until the end of the day when these two boys started heckling me when I got off the bus. My brothers came to pick me up. Matt and I walked home because AJ had to take the car somewhere. I found out the next day where he went when I got on the bus and the boys who were teasing me were beaten up pretty badly. I walked over to them.

"Who did that?" No answer

"I asked who did that?"

The one boy with the huge black eye said, "we can't talk to you if your brother finds out he'll beat us again. Now go away please."

I should not have been happy but I was. My brother was sticking up for me. I was not alone on this stinking revolving ball of mud. I had brothers who cared. Still he beat up those kids pretty bad. I was even happier.

I managed to find a couple of new friends. One even ran track. I joined the winter track team and ran every day. It was fun. Joey ran track too and we took the activity bus home together. I would stop by his house and we would shoot hoops and Matt would pick me up on his way home from college and we'd eat. I started to forget about Julie. I even stopped looking over
to her house when I was out front.

Christmas was coming and I had some money to buy gifts. Not alot of money but some. I bought Matt a journal and AJ a workout outfit. I bought my mom perfume, the good kind from Macy's and my grandpop a gift set of shower gel and deodorant with cologne. I was hoping he would get the hint. I also got Hawley some treats. I really was beginning to love that dog. She was soft and sweet and never once growled. She even licked my ear once. I was grossed out at the time but my grandpa said that she gave me a kiss. She started to come up to my room and AJ made a ramp so she could get up in my bed. She was just as much my dog as she was my grandpa's. School wasn't so bad now I had some friens and Julie had her's. I didn't even care how skinny she was getting or even how creepy looking. I just went on with my own life. I still hadn't seen my dad but I wasn't going to let that get me upset. He'll show up eventually and then I'll slam the door on his face so hard he'll fall back down the steps onto the grass. Track was fun. Joey was fun too. I was really beginning to like hanging out with him.

Christmas break started early. We got four inches of snow and school was canceled. I slept in. My mom had to go to work, though and left pretty early. I woke up again to the sounds of sirens and seeing lights. This time, though the ambulance was at Julie's house. I ran outside in my slippers in time to see Julie being taken out by stretcher. She wasn't moving. It didn't even look like she was breathing. Her mom was hysterical and looking out the door was Olivia and her father both in their pajamas. They were both staring white as sheets. Julie looked dead.

I knew where they were taking her so I went in and got dressed. I ran the two miles to the hospital in no time flat. I used the back entrance and slid into the emergency room without being noticed. I peeked out the lounge and saw everyone in one room. I saw the doctor putting a tube down her throat while my mom started an IV and drew blood. Then I saw another nurse put more tubes in her. I turned and saw Julie's mom standing there crying hysterically and screaming, "my baby." Security came and held her back from running into the room where everyone was working on Julie. I didn't feel anything, I was numb. This really couldn't be happening, not to Julie. I watched silently. I saw everyone in the room working to keep her alive and I saw her mom being restrained by security. Then I prayed. I didn't know what to pray for. I prayed for Julie. I didn't want to see her die. The doctor walked over to her mom.

"She's alive but we really need to know what pills she took. We need to call poison control so we can treat her."

What I didn't notice was Olivia and I was sure she knew what Julie took.

"She left a note. She really has been sad for a long time but I didn't notice." My mom walked over.

"Marge you can come in and see her now." Marge grabbed my mom's hand and walked in. I heard her explain to Julie's mom what everything was. The tube was to empty the pills out just like my dad's alcohol and they had her hands tie down so she couldn't pull the tubes out. Julies mom held her hand.

I went to talk to Olivia. I wanted to know what happened. I ran home and into Julie's house. I did not knock.

Olivia was sitting in the living room watching tv. Her dad went to work. I grabbed her and pushed her into the wall.

"What did she take?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't know she was taking anything. I wasn't her babysitter."

"You know and if you don't tell me I'm gonna beat you until you're in the next room at the hospital. You understand?"

Olivia looked over my shoulder. I let her go briefly and saw Julie's dad standing there scared to death.

"What happened? Julie's mom told me there was an emergency but she was crying so much I didn't understand her at all. Where is Julie?"

"She's at the hospital and Olivia knows what she took."

"She took?"

That's when Olivia broke. "I don't know what she took. She's been very secretive lately. Locking herself in her room and not talking to anyone."

"What hospital?"

I told him and he left. I wasn't finished with Olivia, though. In the time that it took for me to tell Julie's dad where Julie was Olivia managed to run into the bathroom and lock the door.

"If you care at all about Julie you'll call her mom and tell her what she took. She could die and it would be all your fault." I left her there locked in the bathroom and I ran home. My brother, Matt was in the kitchen.

" Where have you been? Mom said she thought she may have seen you at the hospital. You didn't go there did you?"

"So what if I did? I just wanted to see what happened and I knew mom wouldn't tell me. I wanted to know that Julie wouldn't die." With that I fell to the ground in an uncontrolled fit of sadness and anger. "I don't know what to do anymore, Matt. I lost my dad and my best friend. Mom is never around and the only person that I can talk to is an old fat dog who probaly does not understand anything that I am saying. I was shaking uncontrollably. I didn't know if it was from seeing Julie like that or if the hatred I had for Olivia was the cause or maybe my dad leaving us for someone else but I was mad and sad and I hated everyone.

"Matt I went over there to kill Olivia. I didn't care if I went to jail or not. I hate her so much because she did this to Julie. We were fine until she came along. It's her fault all her fault. I hate her, I wish she would die!" I was laying on the ground looking up at my brother for something, advice? sympathy? Something. But he stood there frozen, he did not speak for a long time. Finally..

"Is Olivia OK?"

"She locked herself in the bathroom."

"Did you hurt her?"

"No! I wanted to. I want to! She got away." I was now getting up running for the back door I was gonna beat her to a pulp. Matt attempted to stop me but I pulled away. I opened the door and ran right into my brotherr, AJ and my grandpa.

"Grab her!"

AJ turned to my brother, then to me. He grabbed me and with Matt's help they sat me own on the kitchen chair while my grandpa called my mom. I could hear him tell her to come home now. He then came in and looked me straight in the eye.

"You are going to stay right where you are. I don't know all of what's going on but you will not leave that chair until your mom gets here and we can help you. You understand?"

I shook my head up and down in shock. To here my grandpa speak to me so meanly. I turned to Matt who was talking to AJ quietly.

"Talk louder, I want to know what you're saying."

"I'm telling AJ what you said to me."

My mom came in and Matt told her all that I said. She left and came back a few minutes later.

"Olivia was still in the bathroom. I called her mom. She's on her way. Olivia was crying hysterically. Mary why would you do that? It is not her fault, what happened to Julie."

"How is Julie?"

"She'll live but she's not gonna be in school for a while. She needs help."

"I know Olivia knows what she took. She should have to tell."

"Julie told us. It was a bunch of over the counter diet pills. Her mom is gonna search her room. Mary were you at the hospital today?"

I shook my head yes. I was quietly sobbing, now. A wave of relief had washed over me knowing that Julie was gonna be ok.

"You cannot come to my hospital anymore. I can't worry if you're watching while I'm working. There are very serious things that happen there. Not meant for you to see. Go to your room and think about what you did to Olivia today."

I went to my room. I didn't feel bad about what happened. I hated Olivia. I sat on my bed and thought about everything. Julie my dad and my life. I heard a knock on the door and snuck down the steps to see who was there. It was Olivia,her mom and a cop. My mom invited them in and called me down. When I walked into the room I saw Olivia sitting on my couch. She looked like she couldn't get up and run even if she tried. She was so skinny and pale, her eyes were sunken in and she looked like she could barely hold her head up. I thought she looked dead. Her mom apparently didn't seem to notice, but my mom did.

"Olivia are you ok? You look so sickly."

"She's fine you just need to keep your monster away from her. " Olivia's mom looked over at me as she said that.

"She will not bother your daughter any more." My mom looked over at me and I shook my head yes in agreement. I couldn't believe Olivia's mom didn't see how bad Olivia looked. I walked over to them.

" I am so sorry. I will never do that again. Olivia, can I get you something to eat? "

"You don't get her anything, you don't talk to her and you will not ever thraten her again. If you do the officer here will arrest you. You understand?"

"Yes."

With that they got up to leave. Olivia took a little while longer to get up. He arms were toothpicks, her face was sunken in and she walked like she was one hundred and two years old. Even the police officer must have noticed something, he reached out to help her get up.

Neither Julie or Olivia was at school the next day. For the first time everyone wanted to talk to me. The rumors were running rampant. No one really knew what was going on and I wasn't talking. I was up most of the night and had thought about the past few months. I came to the conclusion that Julie tried to kill herself quickly but Olivia was killing herself slowly. I felt sorry for her. We all had alot in common, all of our families had problems. Our mom's were all blind to what was happening to us and if they felt any where near as lonely as I did most of the time they were really sad. What I had that they didn't was two older brothers, an old dog and a hero for a grandpa. But why he was a hero I still didn't know yet. My new challenge was to find out. I needed to speak with the Reverend. I would go jogging after school today and try to talk to him if he was outside.

When I got home there were peanut butter cookies out on the table and my grandpa sitting there drinking coffee.

"Coffee's fresh and strong if you want some and Miss Feeney from church brought me over some cookies, they are really good."

"Who's Miss Feeney?" I asked while I popped a rich gooey peanut butter cookie in my mouth and poured some black as tar coffee. I was putting in the last of my seven spoonfuls of sugar when he started telling me about the summer of 1958.

"You see that church wasn't always there. At one time all the black people in this community met at The Reverend's father's house. He was a preacher, a good one. He helped me out when I was down on my luck. You see Mary, I was a drinker like your father. I almost lost everything because of it my wife and family my home my construction business. Everything. One night I was passed out on the side of the road, face up in the rain and the reverend walked by. He stopped and helped me up, took me to his house and he and his dad sobered me up. I stayed with them for a couple of days until I felt I could go home and face my family again. They both sat with me, prayed with me and guided me. I am truly blessed to have the reverend in my life."

"You owned your own construction business?" My grandpa retired from being the school janitor 15 years ago."

"I lost the business."

"How?"

"I don't know they were difficult times. But I don't reget any of it. I loved your grandma and I am glad I was around and sober to watch my children and grandchildren grow."

" Do you think dad will sober up?"

"Some people get help and some don't. I pray that your father will but ultimately he has to want to stop. He has to hit bottom. That is why what your mom did was right. It was hard for her, but it was right. He needs to hit bottom so he can turn his life around."

We sat there quietly eatting great cookies and drinking very strong coffee. I thought about all my grandpa told me and I didn't believe that was the whole story. I will ask the Reverend when I see him. But for now I was truly curious about the woman who made these cookies.

"Who's Miss Feeney and will she be making us any more cookies?"

My grandpa smiled and said,"I hope so."

I was beginning to understand my granpa. He had troubles and with the help of the Reverend he faced them. But what I couldn't get was my mom. She lived through so much and I never knew it. I couldn't tell if I really knew her at all. She had to be tougher than she appeared but all I saw was this gentle person who coould get angry but hardly ever did. She has alcoholics aall around her. When I snuck into the ER I saw her taking care of all kinds of people alot of them drunk. I don't think I ever saw my mom take a drink, ever. Maybe she never did in her whole life. I smiled over at my grandpa who was now feeding half of his cookie to Hawley and I went upstairs to put some running clothes on. The coffee had just jacked me up enough so I had the energy to go a few miles.

I found myself running to the hospital. I snuck in again and went into the lounge. I watched my mom bring back people and help them onto the stretchers. I realized that I did not know her at all. She could be hiding all kinds of secrets and I would never know. I stayed there longer than I should and watched her work. Wondering what more I didn't know about her. I left and ran home. I ran by the church and even circled around it but the Reverend wasn't there. The weather was getting colder and I saw some snow and decided to head home. Christmas may be white this year.

Christmas came. We had a nice small tree and my mom made lasagna. We did not decorate outside wiht any lights. It was very quiet. Dad called. I talked to him. He was hard to understand. I knew he was drunk but I couldn't hang up on him, I missed him so much. I told him to come and have dinner with us. My mom smiled that he could but she had tears in her eyes. Neither of my brothers wanted to speak with him. My dad said he would try and visit. Julie was still not home. My mom said she is at a special hospital helping her. My mom meant the looney bin but was too nice to say that. Across the street all the lights were out. Julie's mom's car was in the driveway so she had to be home. After dinner my mom walked over some lasagna, but no one answered the door. My mom left a card on her front door and asked her to call if she needed anything. Later that night I heard a car. I looked out my window and saw Jullie's mom getting out of a car. A few minutes later the phone rang and I heard my front door shut. I looked outside and saw my mom bringing lasagna over to Julie's house with her mom waiting at the door. I felt really mean thinking this but I couldn't help it. Julie probaly wouldn't be allowed to eat any if she was still at home. I was welling up thinking about the school year so far and about how much I needed Julie. How she was to sick to be there for me and how I had to stop hating everyone in Julie's life. I thought if my grandpa could get better than maybe Julie and my dad could too. There still was hope. I made a Christmas wish and went to bed.

My dad showed up the next morning. He was staggering and screaming to let him in his house. He was hollering every curse woed imaginable and I was actually afraid to go see him. This wasn't my dad. My dad never screamed and cursed. He never caused a scene and he never would yell such mean things at my mom. I went down to the living room and everyone was there, mom AJ Matt Hawley and grandpa. I said what do we do? I wasn't crying. I was really tired of crying. I was whispering. I did not want my dad to hear me although with all his noise he probaly couldn't hear anyone. But I wasn't going to chance it. He was scary. Then it got worse.

There was banging on the door.

"Let me in, Karen! You can't keep me away from my kids forever. LET ME IN!"

My mom picked up the phone. " I'm calling the police. EVeryone stay inside." She was looking directly at my brother AJ who was heading for the front door. "Stay right there, AJ." There was a look of complete hatred in AJ's eyes. He did what he was told and sat on the couch.

"Mary, let me in. It's cold out here." I was welling up but I fought it. I wanted to be tough like everyone else. It was really hard. I didn't here what my mom whispered to the police but she looked over at Matt when she hung up and told him to bring me into the kitchen.

"Come on, Mary you know enough about coffee I'm gonna teach you the beauty of hearbal teas."

I followed him into the kitchen.

"How come you and AJ are so different?"

"How?" Matt put the water on to boil and pulled out a colorful box of tea bags. "Pick one, Mary. They're all caffeine free so if you wind up awake all night it won't be because of the tea."

I picked the purple package. It was some sort of wild raspberry. Matt said he like it with honey and he pulled some out of the cabinet.

"We have honey?"

AJ and I have always seen dad differently. I think he has a sickness, like a mental illness. AJ believes dad should be able to control his emotions at all times.

"Like AJ?" I asked with alot of sarcasm.

My brother smiled. AJ is angry.

"And you?" I asked because my brother was the least angry person I ever met. He gave money to the homeless people sitting on the corner when we went to the city. He would do anything for anyone. I thought he was the most kindest moral person on the planet.

"I feel sad for him. He could die drunk and alone, I think that lifestyle is punishment enough. Mary I know where dad is staying and sometimes I bring food to his ramshack apartment. He is never awake, always passed out usually on the floor surrounded by his own vomit. I can not be mad at him. I love him and wish he would get help."

"Matt, please come in here."

"OK, mom. Mary stay here."

Matt went into the living room and AJ came out.

"Mom said for me to stay in here and keep an eye on you."

"Why do you hate dad so much?"

AJ turned to look at me quickly, he startled me."I don't hate him, but do you here how he talks to mom? She does not deserve that. He has always been this way. Next week he may quit drinking and come back. She'll take him back without another word about how he screams and has a girlfriend. We are all supposed to just forget about all of that and play happy family again. I can't do it."

AJ was brewing a pot of coffee. I went to the sink and poured out the purple mess in my cup.

" Matt's herbal teas?" He tried getting me to drink a cup but I refused. I don't want to drink berries or wildflowers I want coffee."

I shook my head in total agreement. "Just don't tell Matt."

AJ smiled."I won't."

By the time the pot of coffe was finished brewing everyone was in the kitchen. My mom got the leftover apple and pumpkin pies out of the fridge and we all had our second dessert of the night. Including Hawley who was getting bigger by the day. Even though the coffee was strong and the night horrible I was ready to try and get some sleep. Everyone else stayed at the table not really talking about anything except old tv shows and showtunes. I went to bed. I fell asleep immediately.

The rest of Christmas break went alot quieter. I saw Olivia over Julie's house once. She waited in the car as her dad ran in and out quickly. They drove away quickly. Julie's dad was over alot. He had a new car and was taking them both to visit Julie, where ever she was.

After I watched them leave I went in and wrote Julie a letter:

Hi Julie,

I was just writing to ask how you are and see if you're ok. If you can and want to write me back.
Your friend,
Mary


I walked it over. Julie's dad answered the door and took it without saying a word. He shook his head and smiled. He was unshaven and his clothes looked like he had slept in them. I did not see Julie's mom. He shut the door quickly. I walked back home.

I went back to school the next day. The bus stop seemed quiet. Not that Julie was speaking much these past few months but without her it was eerily quiet.

Olivia was at school. She looked two dimensional. If she turned you might not see her. At lunch all the girls saved two spots at the table now. One for the invisible girl ANA and one I assumed was for Julie. No one ate. They all looked like any strong breath might knock them over. But Olivia was the thinnest and sickest looking one of all. I then looked over at the lunch lady who was watching them and writing.

This went on for the next couple of weeks. I waited for Julie to write me but no response. I went running daily and got to be a connisour on strong coffee. My brother, AJ makes the best. Life seemed to be hitting a stride of normalcy in a very abnormal situation and I was relieved. I hadn't heard from my dad but it was comforting to know that Matt was checking up on him.