The Last Day I Saw My Father

The Last Day I Saw My Father.
My father turned his pale blue eyes on me. His eyes had always reminded me of ice. Hard and cold.

I hated being here, standing before him. I somehow felt naked, exposed. Looking away, I stared, unseeing out the living room window.I had not come to ask him for permission to leave, like I had all the other times. No, today I had come to tell him I was leaving. Leaving for good. Now I was waiting for a reply I feared, telling myself to be strong.

I'd always heard the phrase "Silence is deafening" and never really understood it till now. The grandfather clock in the corner chimed 3 times, and I gave an involuntary jerk.

Finally he spoke, his voice low and tight. "What do I look like to you? Stupid?"
I knew better then to answer that. We'd been over this argument so many times before, it almost felt like a play we were rehearsing. Only this time I was in control of the ending--not him--and it was going to be different.

"The fact that you're standing on your own, and I'm stuck in this wheelchair this time doesn't change anything. The answer is always going to be no.What makes you think anything is different this time around?"
I remained silent, still staring out the window.
"Answer me boy!" He roared, slamming his fist on the side table.
I returned my gaze to his face, but couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. I took a shallow breath and began, barely managing to keep my voice steady.
"The fact that you don't have the use of your legs and I do, doesn't have anything to do with this. It's me, that's changed. It's final, and there's not a single thing you can do to undo it."

His face contorted and turned a darker shade of red, but I kept talking.
"Why can't you see that? You don't understand me. You never have. And you never will. I'm no longer deluding myself into thinking otherwise. But you know what? I don't care anymore. I don't care at all. I don't need to be understood by you, and I don't need your approval."

With that, I turned and headed for the door.I must have stunned my father into silence for a few minutes. The only sound was my footsteps on the wood floor. Not for long, though. Just as I reached the door, he started yelling again.
"Hey! HEY! Get back here! I'm not through with you! You cannot leave, you hear me, boy? I haven't given you permission! You can't just walk out!"
Opening the door, I glanced back just long enough to say, "Watch me".