The End is Only the Beginning

Winter was coming on. Cassanndra had spent many days gathering provisions for her parents’ needs, and making sure that plenty of stores were on hand. She would tell no one of her plan to leave on pilgrimage… except for one person. Her family would find out after she left. Her brothers and sisters were too focused on their own lives to care about what was happening to her.

Of course, with the winter, it would not be a good time to be out wandering the hills and dales of Valgard, but Cassanndra’s final destination was the sea. The pounding surf was calling to her, calling deep to her blood.

It took no time to pack up her belongings and to abandon her small cottage. As she passed Devin’s house, she felt a small tear drip down her cheek, but she squared her shoulders and bade the traveler to take her to Trolltjarn.

There was only one person she would tell.

Kizer was mending a fence as she rode up to his farmhouse. She heard the low growling of wolves, and realized it must be feeding time. She watched from the road as Kizer went inside the pens and began to feed the unruly animals.

“Ach there, you silly dogs. Get back!” Kizer said.

“Hello?” Cassanndra peeked her head inside the pen door.

“Ah, welcome, welcome. You’re a sight for sore eyes,” he replied, washing up in a basin near the door.

Cass jumped off her horse and hugged him impulsively.

“Hallo there,” Kizer said, hugging her tightly.

“Long time no see, stranger.” She smiled at him and he returned her smile.

“Indeed, tis been a long time. How haf' you been?”

Cass shrugged. “So-so…”

“Would you care fah a drink?” Kizer asked, motioning toward the interior of his home. Although her gaze fixed upon something in the distance, she nodded yes and they went inside.

“Please, haf' a seat.” Kizer went to his pantry and pulled out two bottles of wine, Beltane Wine, and Spicy Yule Wine. Cass removed her woolen cloak and sat down at the table.

“Very well-aged wine,” Kizer said, pointing to the bottles.

“I'm sure it is.” Cass took the glass gratefully and held it in her hands. She watched him take a sip of his wine, as the wolves growled loudly from the corral.

“Ve finally haf' some more wolf'es,” Kizer said, smiling at her. “It was a busy spring and summer, getting things ready for the pups and all that… not to mention my duties as the high Thane’s advisor.”

Cass could only smile weakly at him. “You have been quite busy then… No wonder I’ve hardly seen you around.” She felt heartsick as those eyes bored into hers. Those eyes… HIS eyes… the voices began their usual monologue in her brain.

“I fear I am plagued, Kizer,” Cass began, tentatively.

“Vhat ist on your mindt' Cass? What do you mean, plagued?”

“Plagued with violent dreams,” she replied. “Dreams of someone else's life. I fear I am going crazy.” Her hands gripped the glass

“Oh? Vhat happens in your dreams?” He stared at the walls, slightly uncomfortable with her chosen topic of conversation.

Cass shuddered. “Just strange things. Just… sad memories...” She caught his gaze and held it a moment, staring at him intently. She could not get those eyes out of her mind.

“Of dat past life?” he asked.

Cass nodded and shook herself. “But so what has been keeping you busy besides wolves?” She tried to look interested in him as he explained a recent incident with a thief and killer.

“…Miach ordered justice to be served by der horses.”

She gasped as his full role in the incident became clear. He had tied the killer’s limbs to the four horses and then… At last, she could not look at him.

“Even as I tied his limbs to der steeds, der man laughed at us-- laughed at his crimes!”

Cass gripped the edge of the table; she felt her face drain of color, but Kizer talked on, not noticing her distractedness.

“Der vermin didt' not laugh long. Ve burned his remains vhere they lay. Der victims vhere given proper rites…”

As the finality of his nature of justice sunk in, Cass stood up from the table and stumbled over to the window.

Kizer looked over at her. “Ah you alright Cass?” He walked up behind her where she leaned against the log wall.

“Justice was served, you say...” she whispered.

Kizer nodded, scowling. “Indeedt'. Only...ve could not serve it thrice... once fah each young maiden he butcheredt'.”

“I guess that is the way of the Valgarins,” Cass said. “Kill the killers, then all is right with the world.” Her bitterness rang through the quiet room.

“Ja, of' course…” Kizer said, a bit puzzled by her actions.

She looked into his eyes again. “I had thought... I had thought differently about you, Kizer. Mistakenly.”

He returned her gaze, questioningly, then blinked. “Oh, how do you mean?”

“I had thought you were different than the rest....more gentle. Kinder, caring...” Cass gripped her head. “Gah, shut up!”

“Gentle but not without a sense of justice,” Kizer began, eyeing her curiously.

Cass looked at him again. “The voices will not stop.” She paused a moment and then held up her arm. “See, what they made me do?” Her sleeve fell back to reveal deep scratches from a knife. “The talons of Yrsa dig deep sometimes, Kizer. Deep into a person’s heart.”

“Cass?...” Kizer questioned, seeing the damage from her own hand. He eyed her, a bit worried.

“The heart, which is supposed to be unbreakable, but flesh is tender. And the talons tend to rip things, don't they?” Suddenly she tore open her bodice, revealing her upper chest and neck; fresh scratches marred the white flesh. “Right here, they rip!” She held her hand over the marks.

He blinked, speechlees with confusion. “Vhere did you get... those?...

“These?” She held up her arm, and he swallowed hard. “These are nothing. They dull the pain, the pain of HER heart, beating here.” She rubbed the skin over her heart.

“Vhere did you get...” Kizer repeated, stupidly.

Cass looked at him fiercely. “I made them! Her pain is mine now. It is unceasing, unending, timeless—yet tossed aside as if it meant nothing…” A tear slipped down her cheek.

Kizer backed up a step. He saw fresh marks along with older marks on her arms. “Cass, i think ve should...erm... Pah-haps you should confer mit some of' your fellow Volvor...”

“I wish I had never woken up to this life.” She turned back toward the window, seeing nothing. “No, Kizer, I do not need to be around people. I came here today to tell you that I am going away, on a pilgrimage, by myself.”

“With winter coming on? Nei, i nei think dat ist a gut idea...”

She turned back toward him, embarrassedly pushing her sleeve down. “Would you miss me?” she asked, trying to smile.

“Of course, but I think you should pah-haps visit der Mother House... maybe Raven could accompany you...” His brow furrowed in concern.

“NO. I will seek solace in the wilderness.” Cass paused, looking at him again. He could not meet her gaze. She knew why. “Or maybe the better question to ask is: would HE miss HER?”

Uncomfortable, Kizer stared at the floor.

She whispered again, “Would he??”

Kizer blinked, trying to think of something to say. His face seemed blank, but the SHE within Cass knew without a doubt that HE was somewhere within him. Why couldn’t he see it?

“Never mind. I am sorry for burdening you.” Cass walked back toward the table and sat down.

“Nei, it is nei a burden.” Now he paused, then cleared his throat. “I am sure he vould miss her.”

“And you?” she asked again. “Would you miss me?” She reached her hand out as if to touch him, but quickly drew it back.

“Of course.”

Cass smiled faintly at his response

“But, I vould feel better if you ver not alone in der wilderness, but at least among other Volvor you could continue your training, vhich you haf' vanted to do....”

“No, I won't be alone.” A bitter laugh broke the quietness of the room. “Why, I have the voices to keep me company. Over and over I hear her screaming his name, his slack face staring dully at her…” Cass held her head in her hands again, leaning heavily against the tabletop. “Over and over it all plays out, and he is gone.”

“Cass, I nei beleif' der... voices to be gut company,” Kizer began.

“You don't understand!” she shouted. “Rationally, I know that the past is in the past but...it is always there. How it ended. Never how it began.”

“Der murder?... erm duel?... vas it not?”

“A duel, yes.” Cass nodded. “That butcher deserved his fate. Just as I'm sure the murderer you slew deserved his fate.”

Kizer nodded.

“But HE did not deserve his fate...” she muttered. “Like I said, the talons of Yrsa pierce deep.” She walked slowly to the chair and sat, flinching as his hand brushed her back.

“Phah-haps... Yrsa had another plan fah him?...” Kizer smiled.

“Perhaps. Perhaps he had other duties elsewhere...” She took a small sip of the wine.

Kizer nodded slowly, listening.

“And again, rationally, I understand that, I mean, SHE understood that. But... that doesn’t make it any easier to live with. And in the end, SHE couldn't live with it. She couldn't be alone again. She couldn't be dead inside again. She couldn't...” Cass let out a wrenching sob and held her hands to her face. “Don’t you remember?” Dropping her hands, she looked toward him again. She hoped he saw the bitter anguish etched in her eyes.

“Ja, some of' it, pieces, bits…”

“Well, I remember all of it. ALL of it. Everything. The words spoken, the love between them, the meeting of their spirits… I have been "blessed" to know.” She shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“You haf' a power that I do not, nor do I fully understand…” He wiped the tears away, watching her. As she raised her arm to touch his hand, her sleeve bunched up and he saw the livid marks.

He caressed her face gently and sighed. “I do nei know vhat to do fah you

“There is nothing you can do, Kizer. There is nothing anyone can do. “I must retreat from the world for a time. I must work out my place in this world.”

For a moment, neither spoke. Cass put her hand on his hand as he was touching her face and she closed her eyes, lost in that other life. That was how HE had touched HER. Finally, she spoke.

“In this life we hardly know one another. In this life, we are different. She will have to realize that eventually and stop plaguing me with the dreams.

“At least take my companion, Solja. She is faithful and will serve you well. The road is no place for an unarmed traveler.”

Cass shook her head. “Thank you for the kind offer, but I have no need.”

“Please, she is nei a burden, und she vill protect you.” Before she could say another word, Kizer insisted. “You must go accompanied. I haf' another wolf who will be a good companion to me.

Cass smiled at his concern. “I will be honored to borrow your animal. But..... with one condition....”

“Hmmm? Vhat ist dat?”

“You'll be here so I can return her to you.”

Kizer nodded. “I vill be here, Cass. Always.”

“With your happy family gathered around you by the fire, when I am an old tired woman and can tell you of the stories of my adventures, the way he used to tell her stories....” She smiled at him, and he smiled back.

“Agreed. I vould lovf' to hear them all...”

She felt her leg pressing against his by accident, and took a deep breath or two, unable to meet his eyes. He continued to hold her hand, still watching her.

“Ah you sure you’ll be alright on your own, Cass?” Had she lost weight? Something about her seemed different.

“I've been alone before and gotten along, I'll get along now.” Cass smiled faintly.

“Pah-haps some water?” He motioned to a pitcher sitting on the table.

“Ah, no. I'm fine.” She held up her wine glass. “Well, maybe just a little more.”

Kizer poured more wine into her glass. “My pleasure.”

Cass gasped and looked away. “You know why I can't look at you, Kizer? Your eyes are his eyes. That is why.” She gulped her wine in one fell swoop. “Your eyes…”

Kizer watched her drink, thinking, and poured her a bit more wine.

“Kizer...”

“Ja?...”

“I cannot go away before I say one final thing.”

“Vhat ist dat?

She finally looked at him, seeing the same eyes of that man SHE once loved. “I realize we hardly know one another, but I cannot go away without saying...”

Kizer listened, gazing into her eyes.

“Without saying... that although we've only known each other a short while and we've been so busy lately that we've barely seen one another...that..”

He nodded slowly, still listening, waiting for her to say what she needed to say.

“I love you,” she said, very quietly so he had to strain to hear over the racket of the wolves.

His mouth dropped open in surprise.

“And... I'm not finished...” She took a deep breath. “That no matter where I go, or where I end up or where you go or where you end up...I will never stop loving you—because SHE will never stop loving HIM.”

He nodded again, speechless.

“There. I said it.” She took a few more swigs of her wine, and he caressed her hand. She flinched at his touch in surprise at the shock that ran through her body.

“I am sorry to burden you but I could not go away without you NOT knowing.”

“Nei Cass... you ah nei a burden,” he responded, still looking at her intently.

“I needed to tell you. Oh, I almost forgot…” Cass rummaged through her bag and drew out a chocolate cake, his favorite. “I brought you a gift.”

“It looks delicious.” He smiled and cut them each a piece.

“A small going away gift.” She blushed slightly, remembering that SHE could not cook.

“Splendid. You are a gut cook.” He savored every bite, chewing slowly.

“I am sorry to burden you this way, right before I must go away.”

“Cass, you ah Nei a burden…” He finished the last morsel of cake and pushed back his plate.

“Perhaps I have no right to tell you anything of my feelings.”

Kizer shook his head. “Nei, you can tell me anything.”

Cass continued to stare at him, quite aware of his knee pressing against hers. ““I know I can. I just... wasn't sure of your reaction. I was afraid.”

Kizer smiled softly at her. “Afraid to tell me these things?”

“Just... afraid.” Cass slumped against the cahir, wondering if he had comprehended a word she had said all evening. Shaking herself, she decided it didn’t really matter. Her mind was made up. She would leave. She had to leave. Staying was killing her.

He rubbed her hand absentmindedly with his thumb.

She smiled. “Well, I am sure I have given you a lot to contemplate. I am sorry for being such a lunatic. I hope you can understand a little bit.. somehow anyway.”

Kizer nodded slowly. “I know you haf' had a hard time with your parents, und der visions. My cousin Raven always had such intense visions…”

Cass nodded, looking at him earnestly. “But Kizer, this is more than visions. It's more than dreams. It's real memories. It's as if I lived it, and I keep reliving it every day. Why, even being here is a bit painful.” She began to pick at a scratch on her arm, then quickly stopped.

“Even the furnishings here in this house are like the ones in that other life. Everything reminds me... That is why I must go away.”

The table seemed to hold more interest to Kizer than her confessions. “I vish I knew what to do for you.”

“It is something I must deal with.” Cass smiled faintly. “Just be a friend, I guess.” She took a deep breath and swallowed hard, past a lump that had formed in her throat.

“Even though......” she whispered so softly that he could barely hear. “I wish it could be more than just friends, as it was, long ago, in that other life.” She looked up at him, but he could not look at her. Not this time.

“Whatever souls are made of, yours and mine are the same…” Cass finished.

He could not look at her. She saw a tear slip down his cheek. Wiping it away, she drew his head toward hers. Their foreheads touched, and she gazed upon HIS eyes one last time.

“Do you remember the words they spoke? The words of the dead language…?” she whispered.

Kizer nodded, his hand upon her face. “Tu es partout, mon amour—-toujours.”

Smiling faintly, Cass sat back in her chair. “I suppose I should be going. I have imposed on you long enough.”

“You haf' nei imposed, Cass.”

“I just wanted to let you know I was going to be away for awhile and why.”

“I do worry fah your well-being.” Kizer nodded.

“I appreciate it, Kizer. Truly I do.” She smiled.

“It is nei trouble..”

“But everything will be okay. “I'm sure of it.” Cass got up from her chair and smoothed her dress. She walked toward the door and Kizer followed.

“But, I beg you one thing....” She turned toward him, and finally, she thought she saw some of the anguish reflected in his eyes.

“Ja?”

“If I may.” Cass stared at him intensely, and he stared back.

“If I dont come back any time soon, you'll forget about me.”

Kizer blinked in confusion.

“I mean, he will forget about her...”

“I vould never fah-get about you Cass...” he said, a small smile playing upon his lips.

“No promises,... right? That was what they always told each other.

Kizer looked away, pondering her words. “Nei promises, but I vill not fahget you.”

“I would hope not, but one never knows where life's path leads them.”

Kizer opened the door and they went down the stairs to the wolf pen. He brought Solja out and Cass took time getting to know her new friend.

At last, she could no longer bear to stay—not with him so close. Standing up, she turned to him.

“Tu es partout, mon amour, toujours,” she whispered, the words of a long-forgotten language. “Well, I guess this is goodbye for awhile then.”

Kizer hugged her tight, and she hugged him lingeringly.

“Comm back vhen you cann…”

“Remember…” she said, whispering into his ear. “Remember always…”

Kizer nodded. “Always vill i remem-bah.”

“I will be back before you know it.” She caressed his face impulsively.

“Please be careful out there, Cass.” Kizer smiled at her.

“I shall. And you, beware of strangers bearing gifts.” Cass hugged him hard again, kissing his cheek. She stared at him momentarily, searching his eyes for some hint of recognition of that past life they shared so intimately.

“I'll see you again soon, Kizer. Farewell, my friend.” Waving, Cassanndra mounted her horse, and rode along the path. The wolf Solja followed at a close pace.

“Faervell Cass. Und do commm back soon.” Kizer waved.

The tears came after she rounded the bend. He would not see her cry, ever again. No one would.