When Depression Gets the Better of You

I fucked up. I'm sorry. I sat on that porch and when he said about leaving, I thought about leaving too..........in a body bag. I hate this person inside of me. I hate all that she is. All that she has been. All that she will ever be. I FUCKIN HATE YOU! DISAPPEAR. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND DON'T WAKE UP AND DON'T TAKE ANOTHER FUCKIN BREATH. THIS IS THE MEDICATION THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD NEEDS. THEY HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, ENOUGH OF WHAT YOU ARE, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH. JUST PICTURE THE RELIEF THE WORLD WOULD FEEL IF ONLY YOU WOULD JUST FUCKIN DISAPPEAR. THAT'S WHAT THEY NEED, THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT, THAT'S WHAT THEY WISH, THAT'S WHAT THEY HOPE. YOU WOULD NOT BE MISSED. I FUCKIN HATE YOU. ALL THAT YOU HAVE BECOME. YOU SHOULD JUST DISAPPEAR. NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE ANYWAY, YOU DO MORE DAMAGE THEN YOU DO ANY GOOD. YOU KNOW IT. HE KNOWS, EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE FUCKIN WORLD KNOWS IT.WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL. YOU ARE THE ONLY FOOL. THE ONLY JACKASS. FOR NOT PULLING THE PLUG LONG AGO BEFORE YOU EVER HAD ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE. BUT NO YOU BROUGHT THEM IN TO SUFFER TOO. SO JUST DISAPPEAR. JUST DISAPPEAR. JUST DISAPPEAR. JUST DISAPPEAR. JUST DISAPPEAR. JUST DISAPPEAR. JUST DISAPPEAR. CLOSE YOUR EYES. DON'T BREATHE. DON'T EVER WAKE UP. HE NEVER HAS TO LEAVE YOU EVER. HE NEVER HAS TO WORRY ABOUT YOU EVER. CALL THE DR. TELL THEM I'M LEAVING YOU ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>IN THE BODY BAG.

         If ever I didn't wake up or if anything were to ever happen. Please just know, I am sorry. I loved my boys. I loved you. Sorry for being so messed up. I wanted to give you gems. Sorry they were only rocks. My boys, the back bone of me, sorry, I still couldn't be strong. You guys meant the world to me. Even on mommies greyiest of days. To look into those eyes was like seeing rainbows in the skies. I'm sure you'll surpass all my dreams for you. Know that I really loved you with all my heart and soul and you'll always be a part of me. I am sorry for all the heartache - that's all I ever saw when I looked into your eyes. I really loved you tho. I'm just really messed up and I never meant to be the way I was to you. I really wanted to be better. I really just messed up my life. Maybe it wasn't my life to be in. Love you all. ALOT. Please be happy in your lives.

All my love ,

Mom

XO XO

Your wife

Son Son