Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

Everything is telling me to leave this relationship, but I keep telling myself no. Why am I doing this to myself and her? I don't have a fucking clue. Should I tell her, "Hey babe, let's call it quits"? I have the feeling that it could be the biggest mistake of my life.

I came to a realization. In the begining, as the story goes, me and Kim were a happy couple and then it all so suddenly died down. We were just known as a couple. I didn't care about her and she was usually sad or upset with something I did. Let's just back this up a bit though. What made us the happy couple in the begining? The way I see it, we were both happy when I was paying complete attention towards her and doing all sorts of cutesy stuff for her. She really didn't do anything. I'm trying to defend her stance here, but I really cannot think of anything that she did for me. Four times I went into debt with my checking account because I wanted to give her things. a Valentine's Day package, a necklace, a teddy bear, a crystal seal. These thing all made her happy. It made me bankrupt, but it made me happy also to see her happy.

The thing is, after all this stopped, she thought that I just didn't care. So what I'm assuming is that by me buying things for her, that's the only way I can show that I care. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate the gifts that she gave me. I'm just saying that the trade off is completely unbalanced, but I'm not the one upset about it. She is. She is the one saying that I don't care. Kim, the one who has gloated that she has five times more money in her saving account than I do, is upset because I don't have the funds to make her happy. If I could pull off robbing a bank, I would, but I don't think now is such a good idea.

Exibit B: My flirting with other girls. Naturally this makes Kim upset. What girl wouldn't be? I can understand why she is not happy with it. What I cannot understand is why she is upset, but uses the same behavior herself. She is really uneasy about me and Danielle hanging out, but that doesn't stop her from hanging out with her ex. She would've dated Steve over me if he said ok, but I still don't mind if they hang out together. I've had people come up to me and say that they think Kim is cheating on me with Steve and I shrug it off. The reason? Because I have trust in her. However, I have plenty of reason to suspect that she is unfaithful. She has cheated on many boyfriends in the past. She even cheated on her last boyfriend with me. Let's hear it for loyalty.

Another reason why I would be able to call her untrustworthy is that she has taken my ring from me three times. I know that a ring is not really on the same level as cheating, but when someone says they promise to give something back and don't, it makes you wonder how high they hold their word. Not only did she take my ring and not give it back, but she also accused me of being selfish when I took it back. It's my fucking ring, alright? When have I ever taken your shit and kept it for a week? In no way does she have any evidence which would make me untrustworthy or unloyal. So far with these facts, there is a lot of security on her side, but none on mine.

The third problem between me and Kim is that we both always have to be right. Me, having more experience in the art of arguing, always win in proving that my way is right. This makes Kim angry and upset. She now bites her tongue in order to prevent arguements, but if you can't talk to your mate about something that is bothering you, who can you talk to to sort things out? Without communication, a relationship is impossible. Knowing this from experience, I always try to bring out why Kim is upset, but it ends up in another arguement where I prove myself right and she gets more upset. I don't mean to do this on purpose. It just happens. In no way do I want to make her more upset than she is, but in no way can I say, "You're right, I'm wrong" when I know that I am right.

Whenever there is an arguement between us and she is proven wrong, she says that I make her feel stupid for what she was thinking. I don't want to do that. I just believe she doesn't know how to argue. For the most part, she has been given everything she has in her life without confrontation. When she comes to a curb, she has no idea how to handle it because she never has had to before. When you're in an arguement, you need to state facts and points to support your idea which proves it right. Kim doesn't do this and believe her way is right "because she says so." In no way can this win an arguement, so my logic always wins over hers. She says that it makes her feel stupid when I say things that counter-act what she says. In truth, I believe she really doesn't think anything she says through to prove a point, because nothing she says really has any logic to it. It's just words coming out of her mouth for the sake of saying something against me that has no real point to it.

This concludes my realization. I love Kim to death. I really do. It's just that I don't think the relationship can continue on this way. There is too much distrust and not enough communication. Without trust and communication, relationships die a horrible death and can never be healed. That is why I feel me and Kim should part our ways. Friendship is still available in this relationship, but how will we both react to it? I really have no fucking clue.