This Isn't Me

This is a monologue in a story about Trenity, a girl who writes so much that she forgets what is real and what isn't. This is Trenity on knowing that Paul (the hero in her story who she eventually falls in love with) isn’t real, but wondering why he can’t be real in her own mind. Andrea is the character in her story who Paul loves. This takes place right after a fight with her boyfriend on saying that she spends too much time with her scripts. He slams the door in her face and she is left alone in the kitchen...

No one will ever understand. Why can’t he just try to get along with me? But oh God how I need him to pay the bills! If only Paul could pay…no one’s ever going to want my script. Paul’s too perfect. He’s too real…he IS real. He’s living on my paper and I could never imagine a more perfect guy than Paul. He’s so gorgeous! And the hair, oh the hair! It’s not like Kyle’s, all muddled and dull all the time. Paul, if only I could touch you…just once…if only you could love me like you love Andrea.
         Paul’s not real. My mind knows that. Then why can’t I deal with it? I know that Paul is just a character. I know that Kyle is a great boyfriend and I shouldn’t ruin the chance to be with him and move in with him and marry him and have kids with him and never get a chance to fall in love with Paul…OMIGOD. What am I saying? OF COURSE I won’t fall in love with Paul! He’s far away in this imaginary land in a story that I solely created! I have friends that love me and call me every single day and I never return their calls because of that stupid stupid story! I’m going to ruin my friendships and my relationship with Kyle, and what will I have left when all that is over? Paul. Everything comes back to you, Paul. That’s because I love you and I can think of you and only you you you! We’re in this together. It’s only us two now. No one else will understand.