Virgin Thoughts

I never knew love...

If I look back upon my soiled beds, sheets in a tangle like my twisted dreams of him, the unobtainable male in my life, I realize that I have never been in love.

Lust is such a powerful motivator, such a lost lover drifting through grasping hands, slipping effortlessly away the morning after, even before the sun has risen.

I do not doubt that I am somewhat attractive, that deep inside me there is something worth looking at, something worth desire and passion.

I do doubt that love has forgotten the fallen few, the remaining souls lurking at Hell’s gates, wondering if someone said please if they would give in.

Even if it wasn’t love...

A gentle caress by my own hand upon my shoulder, my face, imagining the one that haunts my days and nights, seeing him so vividly.

I don’t think that he knows about me, I don’t think he would care if he did for he has had his share of admirers, some who shared his bed.

His kisses would burn my tender flesh for I am as pure as I can be, though there are surely some purer than I, some fresher, further redeemed.

If love were to find me, sitting here alone and waiting, would it laugh at me and continue on to find the needy, the lustful, leaving me alone once more?

I could say its love...

If I truly want it badly enough, if I truly want to be engulfed in passion, I could delude it, I could call it love, even if it wasn’t.

But it would have to be him, would have to be the one that my heart pines after, would have to be the one I dream of…wouldn’t it?

Could I fool my heart into believing that love doesn’t matter, could I twist the emotions in order to let go, could I love another without passion?

I feel a tear sliding down my cheek and I imagine the people watching, I imagine them smirking as they think of my petty problems, for I would smirk at theirs.

But it wouldn’t be love...

So I cling to the hopelessness of my situation, hope that I can achieve all that is laid before me, hope that I can stay pure.

Some say that I won’t last and I often wonder if this is true but I have lasted this long, nearly twenty-four and I am still as I was.

Just slightly dirtier, just a little green, but I am still hanging on, waiting for love, passion, sex, and all the things that come before.

You may not want to believe me but I don’t want to believe you, for love is aloof, lost in the folds of my life, never visible.

For I have never been in love...

Have you?

N.A.K.S.