Death without Phone

Death without Phone

Anh Tran

Him: So, why don’t we live apart next year? It will be good for us.

Me: What about our cats? Do you want them to come from a broken family?

Him: They’ll be fine. You can keep them if you want. I know you’re more prone to loneliness that I am.

Me: But I’m not good at taking care of them. You know I always forget to feed them. I hate changing their litter box. Why didn’t we get that self-cleaning litter box?

Him: Because it was $200.

Me: Oh right. And plus, I can’t afford all the natural food for them. You’re the one who knows all about spirulina, the specific strains of good bacteria and the balance of proteins versus probiotics that should be in their food. And bottled water! Should I still give them only bottled water? Will they know the difference? Will they think I don’t love them as much? But practically, how will I get the huge bags of food and litter into the apartment, let alone on the T?

Him: Then I’ll split the food with you like we do now and drive you to the pet store.

Me: How is that fair for you to pay and then not get enjoyment out of them?

Him: Fine, then I’ll keep the cats.

Me: No, I’ll be even more lonely. I’ll already be living apart from you. Do you want me to be lonely?

Him: I just offered the cats to you and you said you don’t want them, but you don’t want me to have them either? Do you want them or not?

Me: Yes, I want them.

Him: Fine. Then that’s one thing we’re agreed on.

Me: Fine! Then you have to promise me something. You have to call me every night at the same time.

Him: That defeats the purpose of living apart.

Me: Just for precautionary measures. What if I don’t come home at night? Now, if I don’t come home past a certain time and you don’t hear from me, you worry. Who’s going to worry about me if I live alone?
Him: You’re being ridiculous.

Me: I don’t have a lot of friends and if they call it’s once every two or three weeks. Yes, it’s my own fault because I don’t call them back. But when would someone know that I’m missing? How will the police ascertain the time I became missing? No one would notice me for weeks!

Him: You’re being paranoid.

Me: What if I make eye contact with someone on the T and they follow me home? What if they kidnap me and take me to their lair and then rape me and kill me? What if they give me herpes or syphilis? How would you feel then? What if they didn’t find my body for weeks?

Him: If you are dead, why does it matter when they find you? Or if you have herpes or not?

Me: If the police knew ahead of time, they could prevent it. You could file a missing person’s report if you didn’t hear from me every 24 hours.

Him: I don’t think the police have prevented any killings that way. Anyways, they’re detectives. They detect things. Plus, you can’t file a missing person’s report until the person is missing for at least 48 hours. And 48 hours is plenty of time to kill you.

Me: Regardless, I could just disappear from the face of the earth and no one would care. How sorry would you be if I died?

Him: I would be just as sad if you died if I lived with you or otherwise.

Me: No. How sorry would you be because you didn’t call me like I asked? For the rest of your life, you would regret not calling me. You would live reenacting this very moment that I asked you so that you could say yes and prevent this horrible tragedy from happening.

Him: Fine. I will call you everyday--if we live apart.