The Way He Folds His Pants

Just as a person’s desk is an analogy of her mind so a man’s closet is an analogy of his attitude towards life. From how much time he spends on the care of his clothing to the way he hangs them up, a man often displays his priorities by the way he treats his laundry. Overall, there are three kinds of husbands: messy, organized, and downright obsessive.

The messy husband does not list his wardrobe high on his list of priorities. His clothing is usually not hung up but stuffed in a dresser drawer or flung over the back of a chair. Refusing to abandon his college days, he considers the “sniff-test” a valid assessment of the cleanliness of his chosen outfit. His shoes are often nowhere to be found, unless he remembers that he kicked one under the sofa and set one on top of the TV set while engrossed in the latest show on the SpeedVision channel. The only hangers that grace his memory are the ones that he secured the muffler of his classic Chevy with and the one he used to unlock his sister’s car. This husband’s only hope for order is his wife. If she is opposed to this lifestyle, and not an active participant, she will spend every waking minute cleaning up after this man. She will pick up underwear out of the bathroom, pants off of the bed, and shirts out of the living room. Her only pleasure in this is that she gets to keep the money she finds in his pockets. The messy man sees himself as too busy and too interested in other things to worry about the little things in life. He does not feel the need to worry about how his clothing gets into his closet, or that it even does.

The organized husband treats his clothing with care. He prefers his wardrobe to be neat and structured around a basic format. His pants are hung separately from his shirts and his shirts are organized by style and season. He has specified hangers for his more expensive clothing, but does not worry about how his t-shirts are hung. His shoes are lined up neatly underneath all the hanging clothing and all properly matched. He does not always place his dirty clothing in the hamper, but it is normally found within the general vicinity. His clothing is mostly wash-and-wear, as he does not see the point of paying someone to dry clean something that he could clean himself. His wife still does the laundry, but will be relieved of her duties if she refuses to abide by the general order of the closet. He likes to view himself as an active participant in the way he leads his life. He feels that it is an advantage over the rest of the male population if his clothing is clean, wrinkle-free, and easily accessible. This sense of order allows him to quickly prepare himself in the morning, so that he may spend more time on the important things in life – like sleep or the commute to work.

The obsessive husband takes organization to an extreme. He separates his attire by type, style, color and pattern. He also owns specialized hangers for every article of clothing. For instance, his pants hang full length from hangers with padded clips and his shirts are hung from various sizes of hangers in order to prevent lumps from appearing on his shoulders or back. His wardrobe completely consists of dry clean only garments – and he does make weekly trips to the cleaner’s. Once he receives his clothing back from the cleaner’s, he immediately removes the wire hangers and hangs his clothing the way he likes it and places it in his cedar-lined closet. This closet was specially built in order to repel any cloth-eating insects without that dreaded mothball scent. His shoes are placed in their own labeled, moisture-resistant box, and are neatly stacked in their own shelving unit. He normally does not let his wife near his closet for fear of her soiling his clothing with makeup, perfume, or any other feminine product. The most he will allow her to do is drive the dirty laundry to the cleaner’s. He enjoys order and feels relief once everything is put away in its position, whether it is laundry, work or his marriage. Any sense of disorder could immediately cause a situation worth panicking over.

If I had a choice, and at one time I thought I did, I would choose the organized husband. In theory, he would be able to find the hamper, but not complain about the way the laundry was done. He would be laid-back about the state of the household, but unable to live in filth. I believe that most women would agree that an organized man is the easiest to live with... that is, if men were predictable. After seven years of marriage, I have realized one thing: my husband has been all of these at one time or another and honestly I ride the waves of his moods without choice and all I can do is try and curb the extremities until the next swing hits. We haven't lined the closet in cedar yet though.