As Forward As You Want

CODE: D (set in the D Is For Damien storyline)

TAKES PLACE DURING (specific story): Scene 1: The Promise (in progress); scene 2: Ascension (in progress)

PAIRING: Anders Carlsson/Julie Newcomb (M/F)

EXPLANATION: "As Forward As You Want," the first scenario, was the first "official" erotic scene I wrote which went into the Black Binder. Although my REAL first scene was "Bad Ending," that was written back in schooldays in pencil on a piece of folded paper and was lost, and probably really sucked. On the other hand this scene was the first one I typed up, printed out, and stuck in a binder...and as you can see it was followed by many more. The scene takes place during the in-progress alien abduction story, The Promise...which might explain the weird thing that happens at the end. (Face it, when you are two alien abductees who met onboard a flying saucer, of course your relationship is going to be rather odd.) "Apology Accepted" is of course after a long lapse and takes place in the sequel, Ascension, which took place during that whole Hale-Bopp thing. (No, it was not influenced by Heaven's Gate. Gah.)

DISCLAIMERS: And as "As Forward As You Want" was the very first official erotic scene I ever wrote, it is VERY, VERY tame compared to the rest. There are also point of view problems in these scenes. Other than that I can't think of much that's wrong, at least not at the moment...

* * * * *

As Forward As You Want

He turned his head away, took a deep breath, and said one of the hardest things he'd ever said.

"I've been a jerk."

She shook her head. "You were only a little suspicious. I would be too."

He only shook his head back. "No. I was a jerk. I shouldn't have treated you like that, like you had something against me. I never meant it. I was scared."

She knew that was the closest he could get to saying, "I'm sorry" without completely embarrassing himself. The thought made her feel guilty for having underestimated him. She offered a smile. "Apology accepted."

Anders turned his head, and smiled back, a slight, wary smile. But he accepted the joke. They sat and looked at each other for several minutes.

Then he reached out his hand and gently, almost gingerly touched the side of her face. Julie didn't pull away. It was as if he were tracing the outline of her face, trying to see with his fingertips, like a blind person might do. For no reason that she could fathom the thought made her want to giggle; she bit her lip to keep from doing so.

Anders evidently misinterpreted the move. He drew his hand back suddenly, flushing. The guilty feeling again; she'd embarrassed him, just as he was starting to show some measure of trust.

"Am I being too forward?" he asked. He didn't mean the statement itself to be so forward; it simply came out, and he flushed deeper, anger welling up in his chest. He felt absolutely foolish.

Julie, in her turn, blurted out something just as unexpected. "You can be as forward as you want."

It was almost as if she could taste her foot in her mouth; she started giggling helplessly, her ears burning. To her relief, Anders started laughing too.

"I didn't quite mean it that way," she clarified as soon as they'd managed to calm down. Anders's mouth twitched in a smile.

"I know."

But she felt that she must have meant something by it, and hoped that he knew that. After another moment he chanced another look at her; she smiled back again. She didn't want to scare him off.

As if sensing this, he reached out again and brushed back her hair. Her own mouth twitched but she managed not to laugh. Anders's hand froze by her face; he seemed to be debating with himself, weighing one choice against another. Finally he appeared to make up his mind, or at least tell himself to take a shot; he leaned forward, and kissed her on the mouth.

He was halting at first, not sure if she'd appreciate him doing that; a smile crept up her face but she still didn't move. So he took a breath and kissed her again, longer this time. After hesitating for a moment she parted her lips and accepted him. He still decided that it wouldn't be best for him to get too far ahead of things; he lightly caressed her face, her hair, her neck, and continued to kiss her.

After a moment he sensed her shoulders shaking; she closed her mouth and bit her lip. He backed away slightly, expecting to see tears; however, she was still smiling. She couldn't hold it in anymore; she started giggling again. Then tears did come, but they were of mixed mirth and embarrassment; her hand went to her mouth to stifle the laughter.

Anders gave a small confused smile of his own. "What is it?"

"It's just--" She giggled harder. "It's not you. It's just that I've never--" She tried to take a breath and stop laughing, with only partial success. "I've never really--been with anyone before, if you know what I mean."

A pause; then relief spread across his face; then he started giggling too. "Don't worry," he admitted. "Neither have I."

She cast a surprised look at him. He continued smiling back, looking just a little bit ashamed; it was something that he hadn't wanted to admit, especially to her, but it was the truth. She suddenly felt closer to him than she'd ever felt before; her own hand went out to touch his face. He took it and held it in his own. Then he kissed her again. This time she didn't giggle. She didn't feel quite so embarrassed anymore, as he was in the same place that she was. There was nothing that either of them was hiding from the other.

His hand gently touched her face, as before; it slid down her neck, her shoulder, her arm. He reached in front and started hesitantly to undo her blouse; she made no move to stop him, in fact allowed him to do so by moving her arm back. Her shirt slipped down, revealing her shoulder. At that point he paused and looked into her eyes, his own eyes searching. To her he looked just like the Anders in her drawing. Her eyes encouraged him, much as an adult encourages a child. She reached out and unbuttoned his own shirt. He watched her do so, then turned back to look at her and they kissed again.

He allowed his hand to move to her back, caressing her. He didn't want to be too sudden; if she were to change her mind, he would have been disappointed, but he'd understand. He wanted her to know that he respected her.

He found the clasp on her bra strap and released it. She pulled his shirt off of his shoulders and let it fall. His kiss moved to her neck; his hands came back around to the front, feeling her bare breasts, searching, touching, exploring.

She didn't back away; she took his hand and guided him lower. He was still slightly hesitant to proceed, but her hands were at his belt, loosing the buckle and undoing it.

"You're sure..." he murmured, before her mouth covered his.

He gave up restraint; he loosed her own belt and let it fall. Then he pulled down; she had done so already to him, and he could feel her hands on his back, going lower. He reached down and caressed her bare thigh; he felt a hitch in her breath, but it wasn't from fear. He pulled again and removed all that stood between them.

She was breathing faster now; he realized that he was too. She cupped his face with her hands; he carefully lowered her back onto the couch.

For a while he was content to try nothing more; simply the feel of her body against his was enough. Her skin was warm and smooth against him, her muscles taut; she raised her leg slightly and he could feel it rub against his own. He could feel her heartbeat next to his; he ran a hand down her back to her hip, bringing it to the front and caressing her side, gently feeling her breasts. She let out a slight sound and rubbed his neck. He had told her the truth about never being with a woman before; he nearly had, once, but that had been years ago, and he hadn't felt like this. And he'd been afraid.

Her hand took his and guided it again, down her belly, to the area between her legs. Then she stroked his face as if to say that she was ready for him.

He felt that he was ready for her. He felt that he'd been ready for longer than he knew. He raised himself slightly, gently spread her legs, and entered.

Julie felt a sudden sharp pain; they both gasped involuntarily. It only drew them together more closely. He kissed her again and started moving slowly, in and out; he didn't want to hurry. And neither, he felt, did she.

At first Julie bit her lip, yet the pain gradually subsided, being replaced by a dull ache, and then a warm throb. Her heart beat faster; now it was wholly replaced by a feeling of great pleasure as Anders moved inside her. She hadn't expected any of this, and she caressed his back. Anders, in his turn, was beginning to pant; at first he'd sensed that it had hurt her, but now as she touched him he could tell that it felt good. It certainly did for him; she was smooth and taut inside, not too tight against him; he felt that he was growing hotter. He quickened his strokes only slightly, as was needed; she continued to kiss and encourage him. Her legs rubbed against his. He attempted to control his breathing; he kissed her neck again and felt her gasp and arch against him, her fingers raking his back. After what seemed like an eternity he felt her tighten around him, and she felt his seed go inside her; they both shuddered together. He felt as if he had had a great release, and she felt as if something inside of her had finally snapped and broken loose. They both lay panting for a while before he drew himself out. Then they lay beside each other, their breath slowing; he tilted her head back to his. A while passed while they continued to kiss and caress each other. Already he felt as if he'd known and been with her forever. However, the more he touched her, the more Julie felt the tightening inside returning.

"Anders..." she whispered; it sounded like a plea.

He understood. Lifting himself slightly, he parted her thighs and again eased himself in.

This time it was shorter, faster; they both felt a greater need. He finished and came almost furiously; she arched herself into him in sheer pleasure as the knot broke once more. Anders shuddered again, unable to express what he felt; it was as if a dam had burst somewhere inside him, and only now could he freely release himself. He collapsed, panting, on top of her; she kissed the side of his face and gently helped him out. He felt exhausted; sweat was on his forehead, and he couldn't catch his breath. For a long time they simply lay next to each other in the gathering dark.

After a while she softly brushed his cheek. "You're crying," she murmured.

He hadn't realized that he was. "I didn't think I would go so far," was all that he could say.

She smiled faintly. Even in the gloom, with her hair damp and her voice faint from exhaustion, he found her beautiful. Perhaps even more so. "All you had to do was give it a try."

He smiled back. "I never had the right person to try it with."

She laughed softly. Then she put her head against his shoulder; and together, they fell asleep.

* * * * *

There was a light creeping in around her eyes, and a chill upon her arm. With a yawn, she stretched and wrapped her bare arm, opening her eyes and blinking around. Still half asleep, her hand went instinctively to her side.

There was nothing there.

A little bit startled, she opened her eyes wider and looked around.

Anders was gone.

But he had been there; the fact that both of their blankets were there attested to that. And if that wasn't enough, the slight bloodstain that she found on the blanket beneath her was more than enough.

But where was Anders? His clothes were still here; yet he wasn't. It was winter, and it was cold, even inside the house. With a shiver, she put on her blouse and underwear, rubbing her arms as she walked through the house, slowly checking it out.

"Anders?" she called, on each level. She checked each room, and even the basement. But he wasn't in any of them.

She frowned at the sight of his clothes scattered in disarray next to the couch; if he'd risen, he not only would have put them on, but would have carefully folded and set hers aside as well. That was simply the kind of person he was. And he never would have left the house without them--naked.

But as absurd as it was that must have been what he'd done, as he was nowhere to be found. Perhaps he'd gotten some other, warmer, clothes from one of the other rooms. She went to check the front door.

It was locked from the inside; if Anders had left, he hadn't planned on returning. After last night she refused to believe that. She unlocked it and flung it open.

Immediately an icy chill enveloped her; she shivered again and gripped her arms tighter. The wind and snow were blowing, though not enough to obscure any tracks there might have been from the building. She cupped her hands to her mouth, letting her blouse fly open.

"Anders!"

And she looked down, and clutched her flimsy shirt around her. For the snow on the ground told her the truth.

There were no tracks leading from the building.

Anders had vanished.

Apology Accepted

He froze as soon as he saw her. A look of utter, terrible disbelief spread across his face. For a moment all that they could do was stare at each other.

"Julie?" he finally managed to get out.

She forced an unconvincing smile. "Hi, Anders."

A long pause.

"I'll get back to you two later," Puck said, and he and Psyche left the room, shutting the door behind them.

The awkward pause resumed. Julie couldn't even look at him; she stared at an area off to his left side. When he spoke again, it was the words she'd been fearing.

"Why did you leave?"

It took her a moment or two to answer, as she'd lost her voice. She swallowed.

"I needed to...get away for a while. Away from here. Away from what was happening. I thought maybe I could outrun it. I thought it might all go away."

"But it didn't." His voice was soft; she thought that it would have been better, less stressful, if he'd been mad at her instead, so she would have a reason to leave. Yet he only stared at her, and the hurt look in his eyes was worse than any screaming.

She shook her head. "No. I know, I was stupid to even think it would. I was just hoping you'd forget about me eventually."

"I can't forget about you," he said, sounding reproachful. "I tried."

She glanced up at him. He still looked hurt, but she knew that it was more over what she'd done than why she'd done it. She had, basically, abandoned him.

She threw up her hands, frustrated. "I don't know what to do! I wanted to tell you, but you would've tried to stop me. I didn't want to put you through that. And I was so screwed up you were better off without me."

He'd stepped forward, and touched her shoulder; he drew his hand back as if the motion were impolite. "Let's just sit down," he said, a strange note in his voice. He sounded desperate. Sensing it, she did so; he sat beside her.

For a while he didn't speak; he didn't seem to know what to say. He cleared his throat, fiddling his fingers.

"How long has it been?"

The corner of her mouth twitched. "Not that long."

"It's been four months. Four months, Julie. A third of a year. And you tell me it hasn't been long. Did you forget about me?"

She closed her eyes and sighed. "No. Like you said I couldn't. That's why I was so damn depressed the whole time."

A faint smile began to make its way up his face. "Depressed? Did you come back for a reason?"

Julie turned to look at him. He cocked his head slightly. "Of course I did. I wanted to say I'm sorry. I never meant to leave you like that. I was confused, and I was scared."

She saw him smile this time. "Apology accepted."

She started; she'd said the same words to him the last time they'd been together. To think that he'd remembered them this whole time, when she'd nearly forgotten...

She wondered if he'd remembered anything else...

"So," she said, conversationally. "Been on any good dates since I've been gone?"

She'd meant it humorously; Anders turned his head abruptly, his smile vanishing. He stared at his hands through half-closed eyes. "No."

She frowned. "Why not? No one's holding you back."

"Yes. You are."

When he looked her straight in the eye, as if making an accusation, she looked stupefied.

"But I never said anything about you having to--"

"It's not what you said. It's what you did." He resumed looking at his hands. "I thought you'd remember what you meant to me. What you did for me. After that, I thought it meant something to you too."

Julie was dumbstruck. How could he think that it hadn't? "Anders, I never said it didn't. I didn't think I had to say anything. I thought it was understood."

He stared at her. "Then you see why you were holding me back. Even while you weren't there. I couldn't be with anyone else after you. I tried."

She was silent for a very long time. Then, faintly, "Neither could I." In a stronger voice, "I thought you were the only one who'd understand."

"Then show me."

His stare was penetrating. She couldn't break it; anger, reproach, sorrow, desire, and distrust were all mixed there. It confused her somewhat to see it.

For a very long time they stared at each other.

He reached out and brushed a stray strand of her hair aside. "What did you do to your hair?" he asked, sounding reproachful again.

She flushed. "It's just dye. It'll come out if I wash it."

"I liked it better before. I liked you better before."

And all of this change for nothing. She didn't take his words as an insult. Instead she pulled off the leather jacket and flung it aside, harder than was necessary. "Dino can have it."

He smiled again. Then he asked, as if on a whim, "Have you seen the comet yet?"

She brightened. "No. Not yet. I haven't looked for it."

"Well, I don't know if you can see it from here..." He got up and went to the window, she following. "I think this is the wrong direction, but maybe if you keep an eye out for it tomorrow..." He trailed off and turned to look at her. She stared back. He brushed the side of her face again; his touch was extremely gentle, just as she'd remembered, but had denied believing, it being. She felt her heart speed up.

He looked out the window. "A big thing, to have a comet for your birthday."

"And anything else?" He turned back upon hearing the note in her voice. She still stared at him. It slowly dawned on him what she meant.

He touched her cheek. She didn't move. He took her hand and cupped it to his mouth. She could feel his breath over her fingers.

"Four months," he said softly. "It's a long time."

Her own voice was faint. "I know."

He moved from the window and sat back down, not relinquishing her hand; she followed and again sat down beside him.

Anders continued holding her hand; he pressed it to his face. Julie's heart was still beating faster. When he looked up at her his eyes were almost delirious. His hands grasped her own softly yet firmly.

"I thought about you the whole time," he murmured. "I tried to forget."

"So did I."

"But I couldn't." He squeezed her hand and shut his eyes. She waited for a moment before moving closer. With her own free hand she touched his.

He opened his eyes to look at her. "You won't be gone when I wake up."

"No." Her mouth twitched again in a smile. "Though I can't say the same for you."

In response he put his hand on her neck and touched his forehead to hers. She recognized the gesture; it was the same one that he'd used in her dream, before they'd met; when he looked into her eyes, searching, she knew that he was trusting his entire life to her, and to her alone. He'd never done that before. It was as if his soul had been laid bare--only for her.

She hoped that she could return the gesture.

He cupped her chin and kissed her. She did the same. It was a minute or two before he broke it, looking her in the eyes as if to make certain. His eyes were only medium blue but in the dimmed light they looked darker, like two magnetic pools, pulling her in. He pulled off his shirt, and then carefully unbuttoned hers. She made no move; his eyes held her, even when he averted them. Only after he'd pulled her shirt down from her shoulders did she move, removing her shorts and dropping them beside the bed. Never once did she quit looking at him. He watched silently as she did so, and she undid the clasp on her bra, letting the shoulderstraps fall.

He moved forward and gently removed it, placing it with her other clothing. He took off his own shorts, and then faced her.

Her mouth was open slightly. She could hear a rushing sound in her ears. He came closer, touching her forehead again; they started kissing, and she breathed in deeply when he cupped her breasts in his hands, tenderly feeling and fondling them. His touch was exquisitely soft. She found it hard to believe that he'd never been with anybody but her, and then only once, yet knew that it was true. Perhaps the other women on campus would never know what they were missing.

His kiss moved to her neck. She felt a shiver run down her back and pressed against him. His body was firm against hers; she looped her arms under his and ran her hands down his back. With one hand he continued cupping and gently kneading her breasts; the other slid around to her back, coming to rest on the curve of her hip. She placed a hand on his and guided it lower; he removed her underwear and tossed them in the pile. He touched her other hand and did the same; she removed his. They faced each other naked, yet neither was looking.

His kiss came to her throat; she arched her neck and he dropped his head, grasping and nuzzling her breasts. The first time that they had been together there hadn't been much time for foreplay; she let out her breath as he caressed her, wondering if things would have been different had they done this before.

He started kissing her again, his hands moving down her back to her buttocks. He cupped them and felt underneath. She gasped; his fingers felt under her, splaying her apart and probing inside. Her breath was coming faster; his fingers were wet when he brought them back. In the dimness he smiled at her slightly and guided her hands to his back. She kissed him and explored under him as well. His breath came hot on her face; she could feel rather than hear his heart thudding in his chest. He caressed her thigh and moved closer; she could finally feel him against her, and gasped at how hot he was. She gave him a smile this time and placed her hands around him, slowly running them up and down; she cupped him and squeezed slightly. He leaned forward to kiss her breathlessly, his own hands reaching up underneath her again, separating, probing. When she let go of him her hands, too, felt slightly wet.

He supported her neck and back and laid her slowly down upon the bed. His breathing was labored now; she took him by the neck and brought him down, their mouths meeting. With their free hands they continued exploring each other's body; she rubbed her thigh against his and could feel his heat, strong and hard. His breath was catching in his throat. He touched her face and spoke, his voice hoarse.

"Julie?"

She nodded, unable to speak.

He touched his forehead to hers; his breath was hot on her face. "You know I love you, don't you?"

A note of desperation there; she paused, stunned to find that he was asking for her approval. Asking her.

"Of course."

"Do you love me?"

That same fear-haunted note; he didn't want to lose her again. Once had been too much. He would never trust her or anyone else if she left him again.

"Of course I do, Anders." She stroked his face, troubled that he should sound so desperate. What had happened in those past four months? "Of course I love you."

Receiving her acceptance, he kissed her again, this time more passionately but no less gentle. His hand moved down to her thigh. She parted her legs and stroked him; he quivered against her. She guided him inside her.

She sucked in her breath; this was only the third time that they had done this, and she could tell that the four months had been far too long for her. Anders moaned softly; with surprise she realized that it had been far too long for him, too. He didn't kiss her but touched her forehead; his eyes were closed as he began to rock slowly back and forth, his hips moving against hers, in and out; she moved with him, rocking just as slowly, receiving him. She ran her hands down to his hips as if to guide him.

He was hot and hard inside her, yet it didn't hurt; as he slid in and out her breath increased and she unconsciously arched into him. There was absolutely no pain, as there had been the first time; the hot rubbing against and inside her only increased her pleasure. She gasped more than once as he pushed deeply, pulsing inside her, his buttocks thrusting. She moaned once, rubbing his back.

Anders felt her hot smoothness welcoming him; smoother than anything, taut but not tight, much like how her hands had caressed him only smoother. He wished that he could scream his pleasure at the air; Julie's hands moved down his back to his buttocks and she caressed him as he thrust. Another soft moan escaped his throat; he kissed her and again cupped and fondled her breasts. Unconsciously he was moving faster; beneath him Julie slightly increased her tempo also, feeling his urgency inside her. She didn't want him to feel that he was going too fast, as she knew he would if she didn't keep up; she felt the need also.

She brought her hands back to his steadily rocking hips and guided him, faster. Without realizing what he was doing or why, he obeyed. He felt ready to burst; he was panting heavily, sweat forming on his body. Julie was damp as well, gasping for air. Anders thrust faster, harder; his jaws locked shut and he squeezed Julie's breasts tightly. She gasped but not from pain; so far he had still not hurt her. Even in his desperate urgency he was gentle with her.

Julie suddenly gasped loudly and clutched him, her hips arching. He felt her tighten around him; with a cry his own back arched so that his head was thrown back; his muscles spasmed, his hips met hers, his buttocks thrust, he felt himself go deep inside, felt the hot liquid spurt into her. As soon as her muscles relaxed and he felt her sink back, letting out her breath in a whoosh of air, he shuddered, feeling his release; he pulled himself out and collapsed beside her. They were both wet, in two ways; he waited until his breath and heart had slowed before touching her again. He brushed the side of her face, as he had earlier; he heard her sigh and felt her snuggle against him, her hand on his chest and her head nestled against his neck. Her breathing soon became slow and regular; she'd fallen asleep. With a sigh of his own, he touched his head to hers and likewise drifted off.

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This item is not looking for critique. It was written solely for entertainment's sake. Although a scene from a possibly longer story, it is complete in itself and unless otherwise stated there is not going to be any more of it written. Additional unrelated SCENES may be written, but single scenes themselves are complete as they are. So please do not expect more. If you are interested in reading the series which INSPIRED the scene, just look elsewhere in my portfolio and you should find something. (Use the "story codes" given in the scene headers. For example, "MI" = "Manitou Island" series.)

I am not looking for critique on grammar, spelling, style, sentence structure, flow, or the mechanics of writing. What I AM interested in is commentary on such things as characterization, plot, symbolism, theme, etc.--the deeper aspects of the story. I like to know if a scene is believable, if the characters are interesting, what you thought of how they interacted, if the writing evoked any emotions, things such as that.

Feel free to criticize, but just keep in mind that I'm working on more important projects and shared this just for fun and/or to illustrate character interactions, so I don't plan to revise it any time soon. Comments on the characters, theme, etc. are more than welcome.