The Imposter

It stuck there like taffy to a Popsicle stick, firm in its position and stubborn as always. I found its presence incredibly annoying. I despised its tacky demeanor and abhorred the way it commanded attention with burning urgency. Most of all, I hated the way it appeared only during important affairs, like meetings with the big boss.

Something had to be done. Something secret, tactful and oh-so-effective.

What to do… what to do…?

Big boss is involved in his presentation. Looks like we’ll all have to buckle down over the next quarter; sales are down. But Boss Man has a foolproof plan of action.

Just like mine.

Sucker won’t know what hit ‘em. Just have to pull it off like a true secret agent. No one will be the wiser. Even Marie in Marketing; her nose has been in more business than a dog at a pig farm.

Ya.

But this is my business now. Only thing is, I’ve got just one shot at this. After that, it’s all over. No going back. The little bugger knows it too. Well it’s been in charge long enough. I’m going for it. Don’t they say that courage means taking action in the face of adversity? Something like that. Well that’s me. I’m not going to let this go any further.

In the face of adversity… Okay. Got it. Right.

First, a surveillance of my surroundings: Although Boss Man may be involved in his sales concerns, my colleagues around the boardroom table are not. Boring meeting makes everything else more interesting, especially the discomfort of your coworkers.

Face it, I’m surrounded by hawks—the slightest sound or movement will make me a prime target. You especially, Marie. Ya, look away like you weren’t staring at me. You know I saw you.

At least Jerry’s got it right. The vacant-but-interested stare fixated on the Big Boss and whiteboard. Smart move.

Nelly’s into her fingernails; today’s colour is tomato-red.

Hal and Jim are playing face games to stay awake: raise the eyebrows, purse the lips, crinkle the nose… Easy targets, I’d say.

Okay. My turn. I’ll look at the crack in the ceiling—top-right corner just beyond the whiteboard. Pretend it’s a phenomenon—it’s oozing electric-purple goo and it’s the most interesting thing I’ve ever seen. Can’t keep my eyes off it…

5—4—3—2—1—Now!

They’re doing it! Bunch of lemmings. All of them staring at the ceiling. Geez. I didn’t realize it would be this easy. All of them staring except that Jerry. He’s got the vacant stare though.

Keep it up Jerry.

Now, down to business. Only a few seconds before they look back.

Quickly, smoothly, I jammed my right index finger up my left nostril and dug out the booger, a large, crusty nugget with a tail of clear slime. Before the others had a chance to turn my way, I clasped my slimy index finger into my palm, tucking my hand into my lap under the table. I looked up just as Marie turned to me.

She raised her eyebrow. I smiled.

Operation Imposter under control.

Next mission: get rid of the body before we shake hands at the end.