Ghostly Love

This is not my own story, but my cousin sent it to me and I just had to post it becase it's so cute~! I do not know who the author is... so if you know the author of this story or you are the author of this story please contact me IMMEDIATELY! Original text in Chinese. Translated by Devilgurl.



         “I hate the net, I hate women, but what I hate the most is me.”
         Turning off the light, I sat alone in my study, the only light illuminating the room coming from the computer. I had gotten used to waiting for his message at 12 am every night and I had forgotten when that had become a habit. His screen name was Midnight. He always came online punctually at 12 am sharp. I myself was a night owl; I didn’t like to sleep so I surfed the net. The first message he sent me was just that, “I hate the net, I hate women, but what I hate the most is me.”
         That line interested me.
         At that time I was bored and had nothing to do anyhow, so I replied back, “If you hate yourself so much, why don’t u just commit suicide?” I thought that he would sense the annoyance in my message and would stop saying all those queer things.
         But he replied within one minute, “That’s right, so right now I’m a ghost.”
         “Ha, are you happy as a ghost?”
         “No, because I committed suicide, so I am not admitted into heaven.”
         “You committed suicide for love? Haha.”
         Just like that, Midnight and I became net pals. He was a man who called himself a “ghost”. He always came online punctually when the computer clock showed exactly 12:00 AM. Truthfully, I was surprised at this punctuality, so I comforted myself by saying that it was a coincidence. No ghosts would come online to chat with me, would they?
         He never asked me about my appearance or anything like that, as if he already knew. Sometimes he would try to scare me and say that he’s right beside me watching.
         And when I asked jokingly what I was doing, he would reply after a moment of silence, “Never mind, I don’t want to scare you.”

***

         “Don’t drink so much coffee”
         “Don’t sit so unladylike”
         Sometimes he’d suddenly say stuff like that, and I would coincidentally be drinking my coffee or curled up in my chair at the same moment that the message came through. He talked a lot about his life “before his death", about how he was crazy about this woman, about why he decided to “commit suicide."
         He met Amy through the net at the age of 23. Being a newbie to the net, he had no idea of its dangers. Amy’s bubbly-ness made him fall hopelessly in love with her. She had been on the net for more than two years, so she naturally became his "net tutor." He felt the cordiality and warmth Amy had shown towards him through her messages, and he only went on the net for a chance to talk to Amy. After a while, he courageously and audaciously asked her to be his “net wife”.
         “Your net wife? What’s in it for me?” Amy asked mischievously.
         “My complete love for you”
         “Love? I have lots”
         “Well then…I’ll give you anything you want”. Midnight was afraid she wouldn’t consent, and in his haste promised her everything.
         “Really? Even your life?”
         “Of course…” Midnight said instantly without a thought.
         “Hehe, ok~~hubby~~”
         Though it was only a message, Midnight’s heart swelled with love and warmth, as if Amy was really beside him, softly calling him. From then on, he busied himself in talking to his love Amy.          However, eventually he became unsatisfied, and wanted to see her in person. He wanted to have real kisses and hugs. Therefore he began to beg her for a meeting. Even a phone call was fine by him. But Amy would not consent no matter what, and accused him of demanding too much. Slowly, Amy became cold and distant towards him. Every line in her messages showed her impatience with him.

***

         “You had gone over the limit, haven’t you realized?” I scolded him recklessly after he told me the story.
         “Sometimes when the feeling of love surrounds you, you become a lifeless puppet.” He defended himself.
         “That…is a good excuse, I guess.” I didn’t want to argue further. So what if one of us won the argument?
         This was just a story that happened a while ago.
         Just that like, at midnight everyday, he would come online to tell me stories. Sometimes I didn’t agree with his actions, but I wouldn’t argue over it with him. These were his sad memories, after all.
         Eventually, going online at midnight became a natural thing to me, like eating and sleeping. And bit by bit, he eventually told me all of his life stories.
         One night, we again had another one of the very scarily coincidental conversations:
         “Did you know that it is not good for your eyes to type in the dark?”
         “What do you want to say? That you’re again watching me?”
         “I’ve always been watching you, you just didn't want to admit the truth.”
         “……………” I was speechless. Sometimes even I suspected that he was beside me. Even though some friends told me that the magnetic fields of ghosts is sometimes attracted to that of the internet, I told them that I don’t believe in myths. Strangely, I’m not afraid of ghosts, let alone HIM.

         “You’re special.” Midnight said one day.
         “How so?”
         “Because you are not afraid of me, or…maybe you don’t even believe that I’m a ghost.”
         “Sure, believe whatever you want to believe." We were silent after that. The short moment of silence gave me time for thought. Perhaps I’m really an atheist, or maybe I just didn’t want to believe the truth.

***

         Morning was a great time to sleep; my courses were all in the afternoon and at night. I was not a social person. The busier and louder the place, the more my inclination rises for home. Perhaps because of that, I didn’t have many friends, and my close friends were already used to my taciturnity.

         This morning I arrived at the classroom earlier than usual. My friend Cici wasn’t there yet. I chose a quiet and isolated corner and placed myself there. I noticed a couple sitting at the front, obviously flirting. All of a sudden, the memory of Midnight stirred the calm surface of my mind. Remembering that male “ghost” with whom I talk every night, I began to wonder.
         If I had met him a year earlier could the one he loves be me?
         “Hey, you’re early today.” A shadow appeared before me. It was Cici. She was a Cantonese girl, and always dressed her best to school. My everyday attire consisted simply of dark shirts and old jeans. Totally opposite from her.
         “Yeah, nothing to do at home, might as well as come.”
         “Wanna come partying with me? There might be some hot guys~!” Cici always wanted me to go out partying with her. She always said that I would get sick if I curl up at home too much.
         I chuckled, and replied, “You know I wouldn't go with you. Even if I go I would just be by myself. I don’t want to spoil your fun.”
Cici was an easygoing girl. She was not unhappy with my refusal, and continued to joke around with me.
         Even though she was my best girl friend, I never told her about Midnight. Perhaps it was because Midnight was a secretive friend in my heart as well as the most important guy.

***

         One day, my head felt heavy. I thought I was sick. When I got home, I quickly swallowed a pill, and went to lie on my bed. I told myself that I would get up later to chat with Midnight on the computer. Eventually I fell asleep…
Even though I was asleep, my senses felt clear. I felt a guy come into my room. I wanted to sit up, but I was unable to. I could not open my eyes, but strangely I could see clearly. I thought, I must be dreaming…
         The guy wore blue pajamas and looked clean-cut, but was very pale. His gaze was soft and spirited. My first impression was that women would probably be attracted by him. He stopped at my bedside, and held out a hand to stroke my hair. He then caressed my cheeks, and said with a chuckle, “You just can’t take care of yourself.”
Darkness blanketed my vision. I quickly opened my eyes and sat up. I turned to look at the clock. It showed 12:10. I jumped off the bed, and quickly turned on the computer. My thoughts were flooded with the dream. Was the guy in my dream real or just my imagination?
         As the my computer connected onto the net, my brain was still full of the dream. Facing the monitor I thought confusedly of the guy in my dream. If that was only a dream, why was his appearance still clearly etched in my mind?
         Suddenly, the screen changed. A message appeared, “You just can’t take care of yourself.”
My whole body stiffened…
         The same words as the guy from the dream…
         And the sender of the message was the “ghost” that I talked to every night...
         Midnight.
         Not knowing how to react, I sat numbly, staring at the message.
         Although I’ve tried to convince myself that Midnight was just as real as I am, the events tonight destroyed all the excuses I’ve been giving myself these past few weeks.

         “Aw, you have to take care of yourself when you’re living alone.” He did not seem to notice that I didn’t reply, and continued to say.
         “Where are you right now? In my house, aren’t you?” with my shaky hands, I typed a message that even I didn’t want to believe. I thought that I couldn’t fool myself any longer.
         He was silent for a brief moment. “What would you like to hear?” another message eventually appeared.
         “The truth.” I replied firmly.
         Moment of silence.
         “Right now you are wearing light purple pajamas. There is a pocket at the bottom left side with a cute little bow. Your favorite cup is placed on your desk, but there’s no coffee in it, because you just woke up and didn’t have time to make any. But I advice you not to drink any today, because you’re sick.” A string of words appeared on the screen in a flash. My heart seemed to stop.
         Without a word, I quickly shut the computer off. I flew into my bed and threw the cover around me as tight as I could.
         He’s beside me, he must still be beside me…or he wouldn’t have known what I was wearing, wouldn’t have known my habits. Perhaps, he’s been watching my stupid actions all along…

         I don’t remember how long I stayed in my bed. The thought of him watching me gave me the creeps. Eventually, however, I fell asleep. I guess I was still drowsy from the meds i took.
         Vaguely, I saw him once more. He sat at the edge of my bed, watching me with concern and amusement in his eyes. Then everything became blurry, and I fell into a deeper sleep.

         When I opened my eyes, my whole body was burning. I guess I was having a fever. I felt too weak to sit up, but I forced myself to the washroom to wash my hot face. The face that looked back at me in the mirror was so pale. Then the events of last night came back to me. I supposed that he would not be there at daytime. Ghosts were afraid of the light, weren't they?
I ate whatever I could find, and was preparing to make some coffee when suddenly I remembered his words, “don’t drink any coffee, because you’re sick.” I replaced the jar lid, and recalled the face of the man in my dream.
         If he weren’t a ghost, he was actually quite good-looking…
         Nonono, stop that freakish thought! How could I love a ghost?
         Love a ghost…
         That was my first time describing my feelings toward him as “love”.
         Was I… was I falling in love with him unconsciously?
         I was not just an audience who listened to his stories? Or perhaps I was merely attracted by his deep and penetrating gaze?
         Love a ghost? What an absurd thought.
         I began to remember his story, the story about Midnight and Amy…
         So far, he had only talked about the gulf that had grown between him and Amy, and how Amy became cold towards him. I began to question, why would Amy refuse such a handsome and loving man?

         I had too many questions for him. I began to want to understand desperately his reasons for choosing suicide. I wanted to ask him what happened between him and Amy. And I wanted to know why he hated the net and women, but still came on every night to talk to me.

***

         Night arrived swiftly, and the darker it got the more nervous I became. I knew that he was a ghost, but I still wanted to talk to him.
         11:50. I sat rigidly in front of my computer, waiting to log on. I turned on all the lights in the apartment. As gutsy as I was, I would never converse with a ghost in the dark.
         I gazed towards the door, even though I knew however concentrated I was I would never see him walk in. However, I stupidly continued to look towards it, as if he’d come in through it at any moment. I wanted him to know that I was waiting for him, and was prepared to continue to be friends.
         12:01, the quietness in the apartment allowed the sound of the clock to be heard. Would he come tonight? Was he disappointed in my reactions yesterday?

         “You’re scared of me? You turned on all the lights?” His message appeared on my screen. I was filled with relief. I had so many questions to ask him.
         “I suppose…I guess I’m a little afraid of you.” I spoke aloud with a trembling voice. I didn’t message him back. I guess I only wanted to make sure that he really was in the house with me. Useless, I suppose. But I still held onto the hope that someone was just trying to prank me.
         “You weren’t so afraid of me before. That’s a little disappointing…” He typed back.
         “I took it as a joke. How was I supposed to know that you’re really a ghost?” I replied innocently, a hint of playfulness in my voice.
         “Now that you know, do you still want to talk to me?”
         “Mmm…of course…I have so many things to ask you.” I took a deep breath and sorted through the questions I had in my head. The first question was concerning Amy.
         “Do you still love Amy?” I needed to know the answer. I wanted to know if he really liked me back or if he just wanted to find a person to pour his anguish to.
         Tick, tick, the house again resumed its silence, and no messages appeared on the screen. I guess he didn’t expect a question like that.
         “My feelings for her have already become indifference.”
         My heart felt comforted, for I knew that at least he harboured no hidden affections for her.
         “Tell me the whole story about Amy, I want to hear it.”
         “She was a devil in disguise…” He replied, and continued, “When I fell crazily in love with her, I found out that she was actually in the arms of another man. Flirting with me online was just her idea of fun, her way of passing time. She took me as a toy, a toy to play around with.”
         I was speechless.
         Reading his continuing messages, one after another, I suddenly felt my heart ache for him.

         “How did you find out?”
         “She lived in San Francisco. When my love for her was at the brink of madness, I forced her to meet me. I told her that I would do anything to see her. To my surprise and relief, she consented.” Midnight paused, and continued, “The day of the meeting I was so nervous. I constantly checked my reflection in the mirror. When I saw her at last, I recognized her instantly. She was as beautiful as the picture she sent me. No, even more stunningly beautiful.”
         I quietly read Midnight’s messages appearing on my screen. Perhaps he didn’t need to type with his hands like we do. The words appear with amazing speed.
         “I still think you don’t look well…go to sleep, ok?” He pleaded.
         “No, I still need answers to many questions, I don’t want to rest.” I cried childishly. Curiosity filled my entire being. How could I give up knowing the truth?
         “Can you feel it? I’m touching your hands right now” He suddenly typed.
         I instantly looked toward my hands. I couldn’t feel it, but I could imagine his hands holding mine.
         “I’m worried about you, you look even paler than yesterday…I will tell you whatever you want to know. Tell me, when did I miss a chance to talk to you?” He said with warmth. Even though it was only a message, my heart filled with gratitude at his thoughtfulness. I was no longer resolute. He was right. We had all the time in the world to talk later on.
         “Tell me one thing. I will rest after you tell me this” I found my courage, and asked him what I’ve been dying to ask for a long time. “Why me? What feelings do you have towards me?”
         “………I’ve been watching you for so long. I’ve been coming here to see you long before I started to talk to you.”
         Geez…I never knew that my house was constantly visited by a ghost. Shit, then he must have seen everything…?! My face began to burn with embarrassment.
         “Haha, I know what you’re thinking. Don’t worry, I’m not that weird.” He seemed to sense my reaction. I suppose my face was very red.
         “That's very immoral! Didn’t you know?” I wanted to change the direction of my thoughts, and playfully scolded him.
         “For us spirits, our lives have always been like that…moral rules no longer affect us. But ever since I started talking to you, I only came at a certain time. I no longer disturbed your privacy.”
         “What do you do during the day?”
         “The day? I have to stay in my body in the square room, and I can’t come out to play like I can at night” My eyes lit up. Body? Square room?
         “Wait wait, you’re not buried yet?”
         “My body is still in the hospital…I guess it’s because I’m still in a coma. They have not given up hope”

         He was still alive?!

         He had been living all this time, just that his spirit wanders out of it!
         Perhaps his situation was like a vegetable. The body in the hospital was a lifeless case…
         “Why don’t you go back? Don’t you want to live?” I became excited. There was a prospect of him as a real living breathing person. I thought of the possibility of him holding me in a real embrace. My heart sped up with a feeling that I could not describe with words.
         “But…going back meant that I will not see you again. I’m worried that my memories of you will disappear.”
         Seeing his words, my heart filled with warmth and ached. I realized that I had come to occupy an important place in his heart. Because of me, he didn’t want to go back.
         Knowing that my affections were returned, my eyes filled with tears, and they flowed down my cheek uncontrollably. I knew he saw my face then, but I could no longer contain my emotions.
         “Don’t cry, don’t cry…did I say anything wrong? (trying to wipe away your tears)” He wrote hurriedly. Seeing this, I laughed despite my tears. I imagined him trying vainly to wipe the tears off my face.
         “I want you to hold me. Not now, but with your real body.” I resolutely told him my request.
         “You want me to go back into my body?”
         “Yes…”
         “You’re not afraid that I might lose my memories of you?” I began to worry…would he forget me?
         “Would…would it happen? Would you forget me?”
         “I don’t know. Depends on the individual’s will power. Some people will…some won’t.” I thought silently. This is a bet between love and loneliness. But I really didn’t want him to wander around as a lonely spirit. And even if he didn’t go back, we would have no future together. Most importantly, I wanted to be able to hold and kiss him…
         “Go back…I’m sure that you won’t forget me! I want you to truly walk up to me and tell me that you are back for me.” As I spoke these words, I closed my eyes. Perhaps I really was trying to feel him. Or perhaps I was worried about my decision. But I wanted no regrets, and was silent for a while. Did he think my request selfish?
         “I’ll do it. But if I go back to my body, will you wait for me?”
         “Of course, I would wait for all my life, for the day that you remembered me.” I replied determinedly. My heart filled with sorrow and agony, and more tears poured from my eyes uncontrollably. Remembering that I have a 50% chance of losing him, the ache in my heart increased painfully.
         “…(kissing your face)…promise me you’ll take care of yourself. I’m going. I will come find you. Wait for me…” With that, Midnight was gone.

         Time slowly passed by as the seconds ticked down. He had gone back into his body, for the reason of truly meeting with me to continue our love. I sat on my chair, dumbfounded. Tears flowed down my face freely and unstoppablely. I told myself that I would etch his image into my heart and my soul. He could appear at any moment. I wanted to greet him with my most beautiful smile.

***

         I began to search for him in the busy streets. Perhaps if I see him it’ll bring the reminiscences of our love back into his heart.
I still went online every night at 12 am sharp, to give myself something to look forward to, hoping against hope that he would again send me a message.

***

         “Hey, you lost so much weight!” Cici watched me closely as she ate her burger.
         “Really? Must be that flu from half an year ago”
         “Probably. It was only a cold, who would know it would be so big of a deal.”
         Actually, my cold was gone a few days after Midnight left. But his parting placed me at the same time in the bottom of a hopeless valley. My whole being was sickly.
         I was too lazy to explain matters to Cici, so I stuck with the excuse that I was still sick. She was like a unicellular human, naively believing everything I say.
         “You have to eat more, and put those lost pounds back.” She pushed her bag of fries to me. Sometimes she was naive and even dumb at times, but I was still grateful that I have this silly friend, or else I’d really be driven mad with the memories of Midnight.
         After lunch, Cici and I parted and went to our classes. As I walked through the school courtyard covered with the golden fallen leaves of the trees, I realized that autumn was approaching, and Midnight was still out of sight.

         Suddenly, a gust of wind blew, and my looseleaf notes flew onto the ground. I hurriedly ran to pick them up. Without those important notes, I would not pass my midterm. Then as I bent down, scrambling over my notes, a shadow fell over me and a hand reached out to grab the papers.
         He collected those notes and walked toward me, saying, “You still can’t take care of yourself.”
         My heart leapt and skipped a beat. The voice was deep and sensual, but the most important part was not that.
         It was that he spoke Midnight's words.
         I hastily lifted my gaze to his face. It really was him.
         He was more tanned than what I remembered, and looked much healthier. But the face was exactly as I remembered it, and he seemed taller and more spirited.
         He bent down toward me, and whispered into my ear, “Sorry...spent a little more time to recover than what I had anticipated. I came to see you as soon as I was allowed out of my room.”
I found tears rolling down my face; I was so happy.
         He helped me up, and lightly brushed his fingers against my face. I smiled through my tears.
         “Let me introduce myself.” He held out his hand towards me, “Hi, my name is James.”
         Watching his hand, I held out my own. “Hello, I’m Amelia”
         He smiled, like a little boy.
         “Amelia, would you be my girlfriend?”

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