How to Make a PB & J Sandwich

Author's Note: If you'd rather not go to all the trouble to make one of these yourself, they are now available frozen! REALLY!

1. Open refrigerator, locate a jar of jelly (the fruit flavored, edible kind...you wouldn't seriously keep any other kind of jelly in the fridge would you?). Remove and set on table or counter.

2. Open silverware drawer (or, if you're like me, and your silverware never gets put away, walk over to the dish drainer or dishwasher. If your silverware is in the dishwasher, hook your fingers under the latch and pull at the door.) Remove one knife and one spoon. Set on counter next to jar of jelly.

3. Locate a jar of peanut butter. It may be in your cupboard or pantry. (or, if your teenager was up late studying the night before, check his/her room, on or near a desk) Place on table or counter, with jelly and silverware.

4. Locate a loaf of bread. This should be in your pantry, in a breadbox, a cupboard or it could be on top of your refrigerator or a kitchen counter. (If your teen was up late studying the night before, see step 3.)

5. Now, all we need is a plate, napkin or paper towel. Or a coffee filter if all the plates are dirty and you're out of napkins and paper towels. (It's your kitchen, find whichever). Bring whatever you'll be using for a plate to the table or counter with the peanut butter, jelly, bread and silverware.

6. Now, find the end of the loaf of bread where its plastic bag wrapper opens. The wrapper will be gathered close to the bread with a small, brightly colored wire known as a "twist tie". Fiddle with twist tie until it is untwisted. Do not be fooled by the name of this little wire. Sometimes undoing it involves twisting one way or another, but sometimes you just have to do whatever you can to get it undone.

7. Reach into the bag and pull out two units of bread. These are called "slices". Someone was nice enough to cut the loaf into these "slices" before the loaf of bread was put on the store shelf where you picked it up in the first place. (If you're one of those people that bake your own, you'll have to take an extra step here...find the bread knife and cut two slices from the loaf, if you didn't slice the whole loaf before you put it in the bag. Also, if you have time to bake your own bread, I don't like you). Place the two slices on your "plate".

8. Put the "twist tie" back the way you found it if you can.

9. Holding the jar of peanut butter with one hand (the left one if you're right handed, the right one if you're left handed) place your other hand on top of the peanut butter jar where you'll be removing the "lid" (This is the plastic disc that covers the contents of the jar), palm down, letting your fingers rest on the sides of it. Apply pressure to the sides of the lid with your fingers and turn the lid counterclockwise. Lift lid from jar and lay it on table or counter.

10. Pick up the knife and grasp in your right hand (if you're not a southpaw). Again, anchor jar by holding it with the hand you're not holding the knife in. Plunge knife into jar and scoop up generous amount of the smooth or crunchy gooey brown yummy stuff inside. Remove anchoring hand from peanut butter jar and pick up one of the slices of bread.

11. Place the knife full of peanut butter over the slice of bread so that the scoop of peanut butter just touches it and smooth the stuff carefully onto the flat surface of one side of the bread. Set the now peanut buttered slice of bread onto whatever you are using for a "plate". Peanut butter side up.

12. Repeat step 9 with jar of jelly. Caution: Sometimes this process can be more difficult with jelly jar lids.

13. Pick up spoon in whichever of your hands is the dominant one, and insert spoon into jar. Scoop generous amount of jelly into spoon and lift out of jar.

14. Take un-peanut buttered slice of bread into your nondominant hand, and carefully turn spoonful of jelly onto it. Spread gently and carefully. Lay the slice of bread, jelly side down, on top of the slice you have "peanut buttered". Press the two slices of bread together gently to seal.

15. I'm not gonna try to tell you how to put the bread, peanut butter and jelly away, or what to do with the dirty dishes after you've finished making the sandwich. I tried to teach my kids that, and either they didn't listen, or I didn't explain it well enough. Geez, I'm hungry now....