Not The First Time

After the first time, crossing the line becomes easier.

Not the First Time
By Cathrin Stuart

Late at night, you came home drunk
Not the first time
I heard you and Mommy talking
Not the first time
You came and pulled me out of bed by the hair
Not the first time
You beat me in the passage until I bled
Not the first time
I was not allowed to cry, mop up the blood
Not the first time
Mommy, you watched with a cold, hard stare
Not the first time
Instead of protecting, in the violence you shared
Not the first time
The school told you the beatings need to stop
Not the first time
But your words were, "Rather you than me."
Not the first time





Backstory: Not the First Time
By Cathrin Stuart
I still don't know what was said between my mother and father that night, or on any of the nights he came home drunk, slamming doors and shaking walls with his fury. I wasn't meant to hear their conversations--but I always did. Thinking back now, I wonder if it wasn't just his alcohol that lit the match, but her words too. My mother had a sharp tongue, and she wasn't a stranger to raising her hand either. Discipline came quick in our home--slaps, belts, whatever was closest. Sometimes for something, sometimes for nothing at all.
But I do remember that night. I remember it crystal clear.
I was already asleep when he barged in. I don't know what I did wrong. Maybe I failed a math test--math was never my strength. Maybe she said something that made him believe I needed to be taught a lesson. Whatever it was, I didn't stand a chance. He yanked me out of bed by the hair. The hallway was cold, but my body burned with fear. His fists came hard and fast. I still carry the scar beneath my bottom lip from that night. A mark of silence.
And then there was her.
She stood in the doorway.
My mother.
Mint green nightie, arms folded, her back resting against the frame of their bedroom door. She didn't flinch. She didn't speak. She didn't blink. Just stared at me, squinting, like she was watching something that mildly annoyed her but wasn't worth stopping. I searched her face for any sign of a mother--any shred of shock or horror--but found only cold detachment. Her eyes didn't soften. Her body didn't move. And that, I think, was the moment my mind learned to take me somewhere else. That was the moment I stopped expecting to be saved.
It wasn't the first time.
I stopped counting after a while. The beatings blurred together, and I learned quickly that tears only made it worse. Numbness became my only defence. I was in Grade 7, my siblings all away at boarding school. The house was silent. No witnesses. No one to turn to. And if I ever said anything, I was told I was a liar. A problem. Attention-seeking.
It was also the year the violence grew teeth--worse than before, more frequent. Part of me was grateful my siblings weren't there. I can only imagine how they would have mocked me, teased me, made my pain part of a joke. My sister and brother Pieter--my mother's "precious middles"--would've probably watched like she did: distant, unaffected.
But my eldest brother... he was different. When he came home on weekends, I felt safe for a breath of time. When he was around, they stopped. The beatings paused. Not because they wouldn't hit him--but because he became the shield. He'd take the punishment for things Pieter did, things I did, things none of us did. He was the oldest. I was the youngest. We were the "two ends," she'd say.

And that night, as my blood hit the floor and her eyes bore into me like I was something she was trying to erase, I knew...
It wasn't the last time.