I'm tired...

Trigger Warning: Depression, SH and suicidal implications


I'm so close to that edge... I know it... I'm tired, angry, sad... All these shitty emotions I wish I didn't have. But even when they're not here I feel like, just behind a wall. I wish I could be a good person, but I can't. There's no place for kindness in this world, the kind get taken advantage of and left for dead. but if your mean then yiu;'re the villain and it's always your fault!! Your two nice and the world punishes you but your too mean and the people in power punish you. There's no winning, there never was and I was an idiot to think there was a world made for someone like me... for anyone different... This world was never built for me and i'm tired... I can't do this anymore. I don't want to hurt myself... well I do... but more so I want it to be over... to be happy... to not be angry... I just don't want to be angry, I don't want to be scared, tired. But I am and the world is getting worse, and I'm helpless to fix it... But I know if I do it won't fix it, I can't be that selfish... But if I keep being selfless that will kill me too... I just I'm tired and angry... I want to be happy in a world I can't be... I don't want to be here, I want to be alive but not here, but that's not possible os what's my option? I probably won't try anything... at least I hope so, but it;s a thought lingering just out of reach... what would it be like if I was gone? Would people really care? Or would it just be guilt of not being there before, I'm just really fucking tired, I don't enjoy my writing, my art... it's like a hit for a minute but it fades, it's not even worth it to try those things... I spend most of my day Disassociating from this world and in my day dreams... and I'm starting to crave it... because it's better and the lines are starting to blur between my fiction and reality... I can't stay in those worlds forever... but its better than here