Thief stole golden toilet from palace

Thomas Bellingham, 32, was convicted today of breaking into Brentmore Palace and stealing a golden toilet. According to the evidence, three nights ago he entered by way of an unlocked window on the ground floor. He went up to one of the bathrooms on the second floor and removed the toilet using tools he’d brought for that purpose.

Things went wrong for him when he tried to make his escape. Not realizing how much a toilet made of gold would weigh, he was trying to drag it down the staircase when he pulled a muscle in his groin. The toilet slipped from his grasp, went crashing down the steps and through the side of the banister, landing on and destroying a Queen Anne table. While limping down the stairs to make his escape, his foot slipped and he fell down the remaining steps and sustained a concussion. After his conviction, he had this to say at his sentencing:

“I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I thought this would leave me flush with cash, but it just ended up sending my life down the crapper. Really, the whole idea just stunk from the beginning, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised it all came crashing down. I’m really plumbing the depths of despair, and feel totally drained by the whole experience.”

He was sentenced to ten years for breaking and entering, two years for destruction of property, and one year for making a bunch of really bad puns.