The Thoughts

You know I talked last time about my smile but as I work and do more, I realize that more and more my thoughts are traitorous as to what I want to say what I want to express. Even if I hate a person, or a moments that makes me uncomfortable I must talk, act cheery in front of them. I must be cheery happy go lucky. I realize that in my anger, my anguish, THE void in my mind I can't bring it to me to speak up let the thoughts out tell them I don't like them tell them I want a step back I have to be happy for everyone. These THOUGHTS fester eating away at my sanity that I work so hard to rebuild with distractions in my life the make it feel less bleak less devoid of color oh so beautiful. When I lose that sanity the cracks are seen and it gives away my true intention the real me and I hate him he's a shadow a remnants of a childhood. I despise him for what he reminds me of ,but I keep trying to repress him not let him see what I have had to do to be a better man to make us better. Sometimes I worry I have HURT to much in silence let my voice be drowned out let my social anxiety taking hold of me like a puppet. I want to be free, I want to be normal ,but I fear I may never be normal by others standard as I feel osteitides by everyone including my own thoughts who betray me, dam traitors.

I remember wishing once in a MORE innocent state being able to wish to read minds but I pity a fool who reads my mind and listens to the twisted side I hide because I have to be kind my moral compass not allowing me to deviate. This brings me to my next point ,I don't want to hate that's not what this is about I want to laugh talk but my portrait isn't what's hung up on the wall. We all tell each others lies some more THAN others ,but that's alI do to myself lie. I live in this state my body present mind absent in a shattered state like a broken mirror. The mirror I see has glass shards at my feet and it pains me to know that this is where I am at that this is what I am ,but I know my humanity still resides and so long as it remains I WILL keep trying keep pushing to be better.


...But I must be vigilant others wise I hate to ADMIT it I will surely perish in this broken state.