I would like to call for a cease fire

No I don't have words. I have tried to a million times.
The deep feelings I have all the time.
The nothingness the resides in my heart that cannot be reassigned.
I go crazy with self-criticism, and manic anger.
I punch myself when I'm angry, I cut myself when I'm bored.
I had an anxiety attack once, and wish it would happen again,
If only I could feel that again...
My brain eats itself.
It tries to kill its own cells.
But it isn't my brain or my mind,
In the end of the day, it is I.
Me, battling myself.
The derealization sets in, and everything is stained,
It's as if my brain fainted, but my body is attentive,
Is it neurological? Physical? Or just my mental state?
When I try to pinpoint what's wrong,
I am faced with a thousand problems and nothing at all.
I hate the fact the suicide isn't an option, for now I have no escape plan,
I have nothing to seek comfort in,
And it drives me insane.
My face hurts, like all the time, this one might be physical, but it tears my fragile mind
I want to lie quietly in a bed,
I want someone to care about what's going on in my head,
But I can't stand people, and I can't stand help,
And everyone that I know freaks me out
with only their touch I start fighting back.
Sometimes I find myself marveling about the jaw moving in my brother-in-law's skull.
I touch my face to remind myself I exist.
Then I run down the rabbit hole believing the fat under my skin is stage 12 pancreatic cancer.
I drive myself insane,
And it may not seem much from outside,
But my mind runs me over every night.
If I wasn't mad already from all my mental problems,
My mind made sure to make me seek commitment to the asylum.
Could you please give me a pill to make it all go away?
But I can't, oh no, I can't
I want to feel.
The feelings aren't the problem.
Inside me there are a million things to be felt,
I just want my brain to die.
I want it to stop shouting at me.
I want my mind to stop being mean to me,
I would like it if my brain could just stop trying to kill me.
That would be nice,
But my brain is me.
My mind has never been someone else
I would have to kill me if I want to kill it.