Chapter 1 - Toxic Love

TW: sexual assault mention, abusive parents, and some language
         It's Sunday, January 1st of 2025. I drank too much last night even though I stayed in the corner of that party last night. It's just a huge blur all I remember is just standing in the corner with a beer or whatever and then Tristian saying something with a smug look on his face. I love his smile. But I have no idea what he said and I feel like throwing up. I feel like crap still.
         “Casey! Get up before I beat your ass to church” My mother yells from downstairs. She pisses me off. Why can’t she accept the fact that I’m a Charles not a Casey. I hate the name Casey. It sounds like my mother wanted Caesar salad when naming me. I don’t even think she wanted to be there when I was born but she had to be because she was the one who had to give me life. She’s such a pain. But I better get up before she beats my ass.
I hate church because my mother is always praying for me to be normal while I just sit there praying I'm dead. I’d rather be asleep or with my boyfriend. I mean I could even be stealing meds right now because my parents won’t even get me the meds or help I need. At this point they don’t care if I'm dead or alive.

At church, I connected my earbuds to my phone and listened to music with my head down so I didn't have to hear my mother or the rants about Jesus and god. I’m atheist and have nothing against Christianity, just that it turned my mother into having religious psychosis after I came out as trans. I think it got worse after my father left three days ago without a word. He's probably at a sex party drugging poor girls and screwing their brains out. I feel bad for them. I only know this because when I was 10 he came home drunk and told me all about it before saying he’ll do the same thing to me. Which he did. My mother just watched us. After that I stayed at my best friend, Jesse’s for a week.
         I like to skateboard and get out of that house I call home. I just cant deal with my parents. I miss my sister Amy but she's at college. She didn't want to live me with my parents but I told her it's ok and that I'll survive. That was a year ago. I don't think I can survive another year and I'm only 15. But I guess I just have to suck it up. I update her every week and she does too. She seems happier and that makes me happy. I'm kind of jealous though because she has all these friends in Utah and I'm stuck in stupid fucking Illinois with a boyfriend and one best friend. I mean I love my boyfriend and best friend but I wish my life was different.