The Light That Found Me

There, engulfed in utter disparity, I sat.

I hated.

I hated them.

I hated this place.

I hated myself.

It isn't right. This life. This path. It never was.

But it is the only one I know which melts the pain like candle wax, burning the wick through the night with a flame without light.

My soul was empty.

My heart was haunted.

Looking around only offered a reminder of the broken pieces I still had to clean up. Perhaps put back together even.

Turn to God, they said.

I hated God.

If God were the answer then where was He when I had the will to care?

Where was He when I pled, in desperation, to be free of the black void of existence I was stuck in.

But I turned to Him anyway, in spite. With more anger than hope.

What does it matter, I thought?

There, engulfed in disparity, I prayed.

I begged the futility of my thoughts to be shut off.

To die, as there was no other way to release the hurt. To quell the rage. To silence the self hatred.

A quick thought of her.

The one that brought me to a new vision. Left me fulfilled. Left me hope.

And then just left.

A memory that shot a pain so deep through my being that it could never be found.

A pain that lay inside and attacks with tears and torment.

And there, sitting in that pain, I admit defeat.

Done trying to make things better.

Done trying to fix me.

To fix you.

To fix fucking anything.

And at that moment, as only imagination could do, the vision of togetherness resurfaced.

Together with friends long lost.

Together with love now gone.

Together with myself, if even for just a moment.

And then an embrace. A warm, full, complete embrace.

Of light.

Of love.

Of truth.

There I sit. Unsure.

Just here, aware, and alone.

The paths change when the heart beats fresh blood.

And for this light that found it's way to my core, I breathe more easily.

Are things ok? I couldn't say. But at least right now, no one is asking.