Hedonism And Avoidance

A sensual switch
A hedonistic explorer,
Anything but who I used to be.

I am the softest and most ruthless I have ever been.

My mind are soul
Are waging war
I am merely the vessel

At my core I have become so numb,
Can't even feel
My own screaming and bleeding.

Bashing China, smoking weed
Chasing orgasms
What more do I need?

Call my own name to bring me back to life.
Who even am I?
I have infected your heart and lungs.

Instant gratification.
One step ahead
Of rejection and humiliation.

So full of self depravity,
The barest miniscule of attention
Cuts like a knife in the heart.

Degregation and segregation,
Hostility to predict victories.
Delusional mind games.

Eyes open in a hollow world
Can't hear the screams in the silence
Forever waiting.

Rather feel
A punch in the face
Than ever feel heartbreak again.

Tie me up, beat me up,
Don't give me time to think.
None of this means anything anymore.

Desperate for any sense of control.

I was lost in the Alone.

Disconnected to find connections,
Didn't realise
The problem was me.

A lack of identity.
Addiction to external validation,
A ghost in my own life.

Haunted by the past
Hunted by the future
Lost in the present.

Anything to avoid the trauma
Parts of me
Fighting to not be forgotten.

Living seperate lives
To seperate standards
All at the same time.

Told the voices weren't real,
Awfully visceral
For it all happening inside my head.

Scared of being wrong.
Of getting into trouble and failing again.
Every step has led me here.

A concious decision to integrate
The uncontrollable narratives
That were force fed to me.

Eating that shit up
Like it was the only thing
That could sustain me.

I aborted my own ego.
I murdered all those past selves.
Needing more than a life of survival.

I am the one that rose from those ashes and shadows from deep below the sea of grief.

Bruises left in places
No words should ever reach.

I choose the pain,
Easier to cope and live with.
Moving from grief to relief.

Can i ever be worth
The touch of flesh
That meets my broken soul.

Can I ever be stimulated by
Intellectual conversations
In the same way I used sex?

Intertwining mind and flesh,
Teeth sinking into each other.

Fucking like philosophers
Starved for meaning and
Debating truths that should never
Be spoken aloud

Undressed my mind
Before my body,
I am nothing but rubble and ruins beneath you.

Wrecked and willing.
Barely alive.

Dragged myself from shadows,
No longer anyone's bang maid.

I claim the grief as proof i survived.
Embraced as a wild woman,
Not just a wild ride.

Black hearts are not born black,
They are burned.
Grief is love that turned into pain.

Time to level up and leave it all behind.