If it weren’t for you meddling kids!

That I have a checklist for this probably tells you a lot more about me than I'd care you to know. However I am that anal-retentive, and I don't see myself changing any time soon, so here we are:

         1) Creepy Hotel - scene of some horrific teen murders several decades ago. Check.

         2) Thick luxuriant moustache - required for any self respecting seventies villain. Check.

         3) High quality recordings of screams, moans and whisperings - all activated by simple switches concealed under mats, rugs etc. (Recorded from a favourite horror movie, but no-one is likely to notice.) Check.

         4) Rumours spread word of mouth, (and one quietly paid for article about the murders and likely hauntings thereafter - unfinished business and so on.) Check.

         5) State of the art projectors - giving glimpses of ghosts in corridors and select rooms. Check.


I'm all set to make a killing, so to speak. I'm almost fully booked for my grand opening - on October 31st, how perfect is that? And I've got a promising nibble from the 'Haunting Hunters' team, enquiring about fees and filming dates. Give me a year and I'll make this place the most 'haunted' hotel in the States.

Did... did you hear that? It was definitely a moan. There shouldn't be anyone wandering around here yet. Oh please don't tell me the equipment is faulty. That's all I need.

The lights have all gone out. Okay someone is messing about here. Let me grab a torch. Alrighty, 250,000 Lumens. Lets find who's in here.

Who's there?

What the ...

"Like Zoinks! You've really gone old school man."

"This is really disrespectful you know. We were murdered here, and you're turning the place into a theme hotel!"

"I do like the moustache though."

"Daphne!"

"Well it's cute."

Spare me. Real ghosts.

JACKPOT!!