The Sea Deep Inside The Mountain

I'm genuinely terrified this is it.
I look around me at generation after generation of families living the same lives and cycles over and over. I see people living the same life for 50 years and never asking if there is anything more.

It's not about being ungrateful or the grass is always greener attitude. It's a drive deep in my core that this is not the life I am meant to live. And there is a panic and a fury that no matter what I do or hard I push myself, no matter how many times I break it is never enough.

It's a horrific irony that I have broken out the boxed in thinking only to realise that life was better inside. There was hope before. Now there is only pain and darkness. A crippling lonliness shredding my soul and there is so little of me left. I am still inside here. Somewhere underneath the armour and the fear. I just dont know who I am.

I can't live this life another ten years. I gave everything for so little and it wasn't enough. I have never been enough. I don't know how to exist.

I yearn for the change. I am ready for action. I just have no idea where to turn. I am at the bottom of the sea deep in the mountain and there is no path to the light. I am drowning and screaming and no one cares.

This cannot be it for me.

I am consumed by the lonliness and disconnection, the isolation weighs me down and suffocates me. I am too tired to keep fighting for nothing. I no longer know what I believe in. I don't know what I stand for. I am just a ghost and becoming more invisible and less hopeful everyday.

I have tried so hard to save myself. I made it so far and it feels like iv just fallen in the wrong direction. I'm trying to remember I am exactly where I need to be but nothing feels real anymore.

I want to feel safe and loved.
I want to feel strong.
I want to claim my space and be powerful.
I want to believe in myself again.
I want to heal.
I want to know why everything in my life is a battle I cannot win.
I want to understand what I am doing wrong and what mistakes I keep making that I am not seeing.

I have analysed and researched and I am just more confused than ever. I want to grow roots and feel connected to something greater than me and all the voices inside my head. I crave intimacy and softness. I am so deprived of basic human needs I am barely even human anymore. It hurts so much and it's bleeding through.

Survival is carving something I dont know how to embrace or accept. Choices made out of desperation and necessity are unfairly judged and no guidance is given. I just need to make my choice and hope it's the right one. Just a game of cat and mouse until I fuck up and it all comes crashing down upon me.