A Klutz by Any Other Name

A Klutz by Any Other Name

Kelly worked at least fifty hours a week researching the never-ending cases flowing through Timon’s Law Group. Her sleuthing would pay off giving her a great deal of satisfaction, and bonus pay which helped pay for her stunning work clothes. Dressing impeccably for work, Kelly was terrific at anything she tried. Together, she and Fred shared a love for music. They joined the local city chorus. It was a joy to meet other couples with the same interest. Each was an accomplished musician.



Fred hesitated for fourteen months to propose. Their wedding day came, going off without a hiccup. Their car was packed, ready to drive up the coast to honeymoon at a resort with a beautiful view of the white beaches and ocean. They planned to take advantage of all the amenities.



They liked to go out to eat, always on Friday night, date night. There were enough restaurants in the city and beyond. Fred would get ideas to use in the kitchen, with his first choice being the outdoor grill. While growing up, Kelly’s mom consistently shooed her out of the kitchen. She was never taught and was not enthusiastic about learning to cook much of anything. It took arduous work. Recipes all looked the same to her, with visions of cups and tablespoons and teaspoons blending in her head. She knew not much more than how to heat soup.



Kelly stayed at home for the first six months she was married. They were in a small, one-bedroom apartment which she could clean within an hour or two a day. That left her a lot of time to read, sew, and do other hobbies. In the beginning, they had one car. Kelly would take it to drop Fred off at work, then return after his eight-hour shift to pick him up. He was easygoing and did not question her reticence about cooking. He pitched in with cleaning by scrubbing and mopping the tiny kitchen and bathroom floors. The rest of the area was carpeted. Just as she thought she might want to teach herself to cook, her mind went directly to thoughts of lawsuits and how she would approach the Jones’ car crash causing acute injury to the other driver. Cooking remained the furthest thing from her mind.



One week, however, she had the wild idea to shop for a small roast and fresh vegetables including potatoes and carrots. She would cook a beef roast for her beloved like his mother did, one of his favorite meals. ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’ her mom reminded her more times than she could count. She was proud of herself, sure there was a recipe in her barely used cookbook.



That Sunday she would cook dinner and surprise Fred when he got home from his weekly golf game with his dad at City Golf Course. She turned her cookbook pages to ‘Juicy Beef Roast.’ Kelly wasn’t certain exactly when he would come home, so she set the timer, a wedding gift from Grams, for the roast to be ready a half to one hour ahead of the time he usually got home. She heard her mom lament she had to let her meat “rest.”


It was nearly time she thought Fred might get home. She continued to open the oven door numerous times to check its progress. She had no intimate knowledge of a meat thermometer. She cut into one end and was crestfallen at the deep red, a bad sign. Panic set in quickly and the wheels of her brain turned rapidly. It was time to check its progress. She had no intimate knowledge of a meat thermometer. She cut into one end and was crestfallen at the deep red, a bad sign. Panic set in quickly and the wheels of her brain turned rapidly.



“Turn the heat up,” she suggested to Mittens, their cat. “Five hundred degrees ought to do it, eh Mitty?”



Fred returned home nearly an hour later.



“Hi, honey, what is that terrible smell?”




Kelly took a deep breath, inhaling the now recognizable odor of something burning. She ran to the stove, flung the oven door open, and gazed dumbfounded at their main course, cooked to a crisp.



“You cooked?” Fred, stating the obvious.
Tears of defeat washed her cheeks and chin.
“I…I…I w.w.w.ant..ed it to be a..a..a..surprise,” she stuttered.



Fred turned the oven knob to OFF. He liked his meat well done, but this was beyond well done. He instinctively knew what he said, and how he reacted to the fiasco, would make or break his wife’s spirit.
deal with the oven and the rest later.” His tone was steady, thick with concern, yet teeming with love.



“Well,” he said, “this calls for a celebration! Let’s go to the new Johnson’s Steak House and deal with the oven and the rest later." His tone was steady, thick with concern, yet teeming with love. He loved her with everything in him.



“Oh, Fred,” she said, now the floodgates from her eye ducts drying up. “We were saving that for your birthday meal. Everyone said Johnson’s is the place for dinner.”



“My birthday is about six months from now. Let’s call it my happy unbirthday."



“Is that even a word?” she said with that giggle he so adored.



“Who cares?” he said. “It is now!” He continued gently, “Let’s leave cooking to me. I have watched my mother fix roast. She puts all the veggies and the meat in a pressure cooker. It gets the meat cooked through without drying it out.”



“Or burning it, huh?”



“Yeah,” he agreed. “The temperature of the oven seemed unusually high.”



“I know,” she said. She muttered something about getting it cooked through and through by the time he arrived.



"I turned the radio up!” she exclaimed, referring to Barry Manilow’s hit. They both laughed, tears escaping their eyes.



“What a klutz I am, n’est pas?”



Needless to say, dinner at Johnson’s was a hit and would be their favorite steak house for the remainder of living in the city. Crispy beef became a fond memory, but a great story to tell their parents. It always got a laugh. Kelly’s cooking days ceased. Fred cooked dinner on his birthday.



Serving roast with soft sweetened veggies, he said, “Remember my unbirthday? What a riot that was.”



“Once a klutz, always a klutz,” she joked.



They lived happily ever after.



Written for Weird and Wonky World Challenge activity. Week 2. Prompt: National Kitchen Klutzes Day (6/23).