The Great Ginger War chapters 1 - 7

==> chapter 1

"Mother!" Charles drawls, "Can you please tell us the ginger story again?"

"Of course, Charles," Mother replied, shaking her head good-naturedly. "Get your siblings to come downstairs, that includes you unnamed 5-year-old female child!"

Unnamed 5-year-old female child groaned, "Do I have to? It's been like, the 20th time this week!"

"Yes, daughter. Although you don't have a name and aren't very important, you must still abide by my orders, just like your named and slightly more important brethren. That excludes Zucorpes, Ze's unworthy of names."

James came down from his room shortly after, followed by Sprinkles the cat arriving from wherever he goes in his free time, (it's hard to check, he's so mysterious), and Zucorpes crawling out of the basement like a rabid dog on all fours.

The three children, Zucorpes and the cat -- Charles, James, Zucorps, unnamed 5-year-old female child and Sprinkles the Cat -- sit at the largely sized dining table with mother, all in their allocated dining seats.

"Well?" James prompted, "Will you start the story?"

"ZUCORPS ONCE HAD A STORY!" Zucorpes yowls, "I WAS ONCE AN ALTERNATIVE GRUNGE CHILD NAMED LIGMA!"

"Silence Zucorpes!" Mother scolds, scowling bitterly. "You don't want to be in the basement for another week again, do you?" Zucorps shakes their head roughly, neck cracking loudly from the movement. Mother and all other residents cringe at that.

Mother cringed because it reminded her of the war. Unnamed 5-year-old female child cringed because of the war. James cringed because it reminded him of the mines. Charles cringed because it reminded him of the number 7. Sprinkles the cat cringed because he deserved to cringe.

Everyone says their reasons out-loud, family bonding.

"Meow." Sprinkles the cat says, resolutely.

Everyone nods and agrees, except for Zucorpes. Zucorpes is crying because everyone hates his neck music.

"Thank you so much, sprinkles!" Mother says, thanking sprinkles the cat.

"Now, let's begin the story. AHEM." Mother clears her throat, "once upon a time..."

==> chapter 2

All good stories start with a very large rock. This rock, Arkansas, was indeed large. Arkansas was a peaceful, nonthreatening rock. That is until it was taken over by Ed Sheeran and used for his sinister ginger congregations.

Ed Sheeran was sickly. Having grown up as a ginger, he naturally contracted many plagues. from the age of 4, he was so corrupted by the ginger plagues, he started singing the witchcraft!!! This is an issue for many reasons. One, Ed Sheeran had poorly vocal chords due to the plague, therefore he couldn't sing (he still can't). Two, his singing caused the neighbouring towns to go sick with ginger.

You see, once one contracts the ginger, they see whoever the root cause of the ginger is to be as a superior one, they even lose all memory of those who aren't ginger, causing unnecessary violence. And thus, Ed Sheeran king of the gingers was born anew, just 4 years old.

Now, this wasn't an issue at first, not until the rock was involved. Arkansas is a rock loved by many, and unfortunately, Ed Sheeran was one of them. Since the start of the plague, Arkansas was all he had left... nobody wanted to be around Mr. weird vocal cords with the odd hair and lizard eyes, and so, he was lonely—just Ed and Arkansas. Arkansas was a nice rock, many travelled to see it; and so, when Ed Sheeran, king of gingers took over, it caused national outrage.

Protesters took to the streets, the white house was egged (Americans were confused, British were livid, Australians, not real), and John Laurance came back from the dead and had an affair with Ryan Gosling and Hugh Jackman. This did not deter Ed Sheeran who deployed ginger guards to protect the rock, turning any non-gingers that came near into gingers on sight, with their magical witchcraft and song, this caused a bad rep for all witches, beginning the witch burnings of the non-gingers, (all gingers were witches). This caused the death of many copper or strawberry blonde non-ginger individuals.

Anyhow, Atop Arkansas, Ed Sheeran held secret meetings with the council of gingers; Jessia Chastain, Emma stone, and prince Harry (Ed Sheeran's son, gingers procreate asexually because they don't feel love). They discussed the non-gingers, they discussed war, and thus became who we now know as the most red-haired, lizard eyed, poorly vocal cord having monstrosity that rampaged our city those years ago.

"But mother!" Charles calls, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "thats just Ed Sherran, king of the ginger's emo backstory! we hunger for bloodshed mother! look at unnamed sister, Shes practically sleeping!"

Unnamed 5 year old female child perks up at her name, "Affirmative, mother!"

the entire family excluding Zucorps and sprinkles the cat laughed at that. (Zucorps cannot feel joy, the cat meowed instead.)

"okay, Unnamed 5-year-old female child and charles! I shall begin-" Mother started.

"ZUCORPS!!!!!!" zucorps cries, "ZUCORPS HAS STORY OF WAR!!!"

Mother sighed sadly, "fine, zucorps, one story. but if at any point you start contracting rabies again you will be sent to the basement, and i will remove your rat privlages!"

Zucorps screams "NO, NOT THE RAT PRIVLIGES!! OKAY CHILD(S), COME 'ROUND, ZUCORPS SHALL SHARE THE KNOWLEDGE!!!!!!!!!!THE KNOWLEDGE!!!!!"

James shakes his head good-naturedly, "oh, zucorpes!"

==> chapter 3

Zucorpes wasn't always Zucorpes. Once zey were an Alternative Grunge teen named Ligma living in a small town near Arkansas. Where Ed Sheeran was. Being Alternative and Grunge, Ligma was also a homosexual and like all homosexuals in the area, zey were going to the Will Wood concert. Little did Ligma and the other homos know, Will Wood wouldn't be there. Instead, it was Ed Sheeran and his army of horrendous gingers.

Ligma was frightened to see such bright voluminous ginger hair singing badly instead of a fruity man singing Me/Myself/I. Zey fled southward but it was too late. The ginger's disease had gotten to all the homosexual's brains. This is why homos are despised by everyone in the land, ginger or not, it derives from a fear of gingers, but sometimes even non-gingers are stupid; thus creating homophobia.

"But Zucorpes, are there any more homosexuals? "James queried.

Charles looked away awkwardly.

"YES. FATHER IS A HOMOSEXUAL. HE RAN AWAY WITH AN IRISH MAN. IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER!!" Zucorpes shrieked.

After the Will Wood concert, there were very few homosexuals left. Only the ones who Ticketmaster app prevented them from getting tickets. Ligma was one of the gingers now. Zey had to congregate at Arkansas like the other gingers which did no good for zey type 4's non-conformity wants.

The group of gingers was larger than ever before. People hid away from Ed Sheeran from different reasons than before, now that he had the full power to make them too have odd hair and lizard eyes.

But Ligma was brave, and the spells hadn't worked completely because Ligma had epilepsy and blinked so fast during the concert ze had a seizure, and it didn't fully register. So, Ze threw rocks at ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran was livid, and cursed Ligma to be named ZUCORPES and lose their ability to feel joy, giving them many plagues, diseases, infections, and more in the process. Because of this, Zucorpes can no longer control zer vocal cords and falls victim to seizures, rabies, and Zucorpse disease.

After this traumatic event, Zucorpes moves to Alabama to live out in retirement. However, Zer story doesn't end here. In Alabama, Zucorpes learns zey are the descendant of Trisha Paytas and Satan. Zey meets their siblings, killing them to establish dominance, so shocked by Zer own actions, Zey get heavily drunk and wake up in the family home of-

Zucorpes spasmed intensely. Everyone gasped, and in the distance, gingers glanced in the direction of the family home, their magical gasp-sensing powers sensing them.

"Oh no. The rabies returned," mother whispered, shaking her head somberly. "I suppose it's back in the basement for you Zucorpes, no more rats for the next month!"

"NO. NOT THE BASEMENT. I DON'T HAVE RABIES. I JUST OCCASSIONALY CASUALLY SPASM!!! ITS AN ASPECT OF MY TYPE 4 PERSONALITY!" Zucorpes screamed, spasming again.

Mother picked Zucorpes up by zeself's gorgeous locks, and kicked Zucorpes down the stairs and in the basement. This dissatisfied Zucorpes, causing Zem to wail. The other children and cat found this amusing, laughing and pointing.

Mother sighed and sat back down.

==> chapter 4

Mother spoke after a beat of silence, "Let's just start the story... for realsies, as the hip kids say..."

"Meow," said Sprinkles the cat, agreeing like the sophisticated individual he is.

Charles grinned, pushing himself to the front of his chair.

Mother was 18, working in a bakery. It was a day like the last, running through the sameness of cleaning the counter, baking, cleaning the kitchen, baking, cleaning the- okay, you get it, she cleans a lot then bakes. But today was... different. Something hung over the city like a bad smell that oddly stunk like lizard eyes and odd hair.

Mother tried to ignore it for the most part, she just had to go to work, then find a husband, then have children, then die of some plague. That's the easy life. That's all she had to do. But then the gingers.

She had just reached an intersection when BOOM! out of a wall to her right, the army of gingers crashed down, their soulless eyes scanning the crowd. The invasion had started. Mother gasped, alerting the gingers to her location. Mother turned and ran, rubble seemed to fill her lungs as pure adrenaline carried her-

"Mother?" James asks nervously.

"What." Mother spits. Charles stifles a homo- heterosexual chortle.

James shifts uncomfortably in his seat, "could you pass the... salt pack?"

"No." Mother replies, sending James a withering glare, "I didn't give you permission to speak, on with the story!" Mother clears her throat, before continuing.

-onwards. Her calf's burned, and her eyes stung with tears not yet shed. She hadn't even found a husband yet! She was too young, beautiful, hardworking, non-ginger and religious to die now! She wanted to die of rat plague, not Ginger plague!!

She risked looking behind her, her throat closing when she recognised one of the gingers as a regular at her bakery. He was a nice man with a wife and children- no, she couldn't think about that right now. Its too late for him. Mother shut her eyes and kept running, not daring to stop until she reached home.

She shut the door behind her and choked on a sob, this was the worst day of her life, which is surprising due to Mother's tragic backstory of kids at school accusing her of witchcraft because Mother could tie her shoelaces and they couldn't. Velcro losers. She had to do something... anything!

At that moment, a very Sigma army propaganda poster for non-gingers flew through her open window (when did she open the window???), she stared at it for a moment, her vision blurry with tears. Mother scrambled to grasp at the paper, scrubbing her eyes free of tears and gasping. she knew what she had to do.

With fire (anti-ginger fire) in her heart, and paper (propaganda) in her hand, she did a Mulan. Mother cut her hair short, dressed herself in men's clothing, (originally for her future husband) and ventured off to join the war, like the great citizen she is.

It wasn't a long walk to the address listed on the paper, but she took sewer travel anyway, can't have the gingers seeing her!

Once she crawled out of the sewers, she glanced around before walking to a stall that read 'army recruit'.

"Hello," Mother said, coughing to hide a voice crack, "I would like to skibidi sign up."

The recruiter nodded tiredly, "name?" they drawles

"uh," mother floundered, she didn't have a name, it was simply mother. "...father"

The recruiter narrowed their eyes at her then sighed, exasperated. "Alright, just walk in and do your sick training montage, Mr. um, Father"

Mother sighed in relief, walking in pace with the beat of the sick training montage music playing, the power of non-ginger training music strengthened her, and she sat in front of a phone camera yelling really loudly with a barbel.

After that, she flexed her very muscly arms. she was so very strong from all the screaming. Then, she bench-pressed you, and screamed a lot. And at last, she was in the army. Everyone stood up and clapped, and then she grabbed her weapon that she now somehow knew how to use, and joined the rest of her post-montage soldiers, stepping in line with the others.

Surely, they would win.

"But, mother!" Charles spoke up, "didn't we lose?"

"Ugh, Charles! don't you understand SUSPENSE? you're just like your homosexual father who ran off into the sunset on horseback with that ginger Irishman!"

"Erm, gulp!" Charles said, gulping.

"Charles why the flippity flop did you just say the word gulp in response to being accused of homosexuality?" Unnamed 5-year-old female child asked, smirking.

"Are you a witch that has war flashbacks and is secretly 42 years old?" Charles deadpanned.

"Erm, gulp!" Unnamed 5-year-old female child exclaimed.

"Meow." Sprinkles spoke, ever the professional.

Mother nodded, "Yes indeed sprinkles, they are being odd. This is definitely not foreshadowing."

Sprinkles the cat winked at the invisible camera, wow, what a great guy.

==> chapter 5

The climax of the war was merely beginning as Mother got into the horrid trenches which smelt of piss. She knew she had to do this though. She was destined to defeat Ed Sheeran and his nasty pack of dastardly gingers. That was if the other non-gingers would stop gasping every time someone was turned ginger. Each gasp was a solid 5 seconds each. This is how the gingers managed to defeat the non-gingers. Because gasp-

"But mother, couldn't you just not gasp?" asked Unnamed 5-year-old female child.

"It's not that simple Unnamed 5-year-old child," mother responded abruptly.

"Why mother? Why didn't the gasping stop?" Charles asked in a very heterosexual manner.

"TRY BEING IN WAR, TWINK!" Mother yelled evasively. "Sorry Charles. That was the war speaking. You could never actually be a twink."

Charles sighed a gay-ish sigh. This is only because it is not possible to sigh straight no matter how hard you try or how straight you may or may not be.

Mother had trained hard for 30 minutes, since she had seen the propaganda, and knew she had what it takes to take down a weird vocal corded, odd-haired, lizard-eyed man and his army of gingers.

She and the other non-gingers took the battlefield. They wore special earphones to prevent their weird vocal cords from getting into their ear canals. The non-gingers had to use real weapons being that they did not possess such odd vocal cords. On the battlefield, blood was shed, but as stated before, the non-gingers just couldn't stop gasping.

Mother brought gingers down, kill after kill. Her sword cut through their ginger flesh with practised ease. More than once a ginger tried to use their witchcraft on her, but the headphones Mother was wearing easily blocked their weird ginger vocal cords out.

The non-gingers were getting tired, wave after wave after wave of gingers kept coming. Any non-ginger killed became ginger. But gingers aren't exactly human anymore; the plagues made their lungs weak, so they kept having to take 4-second naps mid-fight. This almost made up for the gasping... almost.

She watched satisfactorily as the already soulless gingers bled their ginger-coloured blood out onto Arkansas. This made Ed very angsty. His precious rock and only friend was now blood-stained. Sometimes Ed got so angsty that he took a weapon from a non-ginger and killed them in spite, being the spiteful being he was. This made him even more angsty because his precious large rock became stained with non-ginger blood as well.

Mother looked in the distance and saw that jolly ginger man she used to see at the bakery. She couldn't bring herself to do anything bad to him. He was just so-

"Mother! Why ever did you not attack a GINGER?" questioned James incredulously.

"Erm... I..." Mother floundered "Anyway...!"

-Mother redirected her attention to the ongoing battle, her sense of satisfaction fading as she once more observed the soulless husks of what were once ordinary people, now transformed, collapsing into pools of their ginger blood, lizard eyes unblinking (̶p̶i̶c̶t̶u̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ m̶a̶n̶s̶ f̶a̶c̶e̶ i̶n̶s̶t̶e̶a̶d̶ o̶f̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶)̶

The battle didn't last much longer after that, non-gingers digging into trenches and gingers crawling into the ground like bugs. a temporary standstill... well, that was until the gingers were attacked by the wolves.

==> Chapter 6

James gasped "Wolves??"

Mother nodded "Yes, they're all either dead or gingers now, but they once were a territory."

"Can you tell us about them?" Charles asks patiently.

"...Sure, Charles," Mother said softly.

The wolves were a small group just outside Arkansas, but on the other side that the non-Gingers were on. Being wolves, the gingers had a hard time infecting them since they do not speak any human languages, opting to communicate via sign language that required dancing, like bees but wolves, and also being more sentient.

This led to the wolves coming up with the brilliant plan of joining the war. In their eyes, it was free real estate. In their eyes, they were invincible. Also, they were wolves. Literally wow, much wow, if you will.

The wolves were run by a council, similar to the gingers. The alpha of the colony and the rest of the sigma council led the army directly into the heart of the battle, Arkansas. Declaring war on both sides as an independent third party. They called themself GONEGRRE, (English translation of The Tap Dancing.)

When they first joined, they were a force to be reckoned with. Team morale? Check. Fighting? Check. Epic dance battle winner? Check.

Their first fight against the gingers was called the 'Fanum Tax.' The premise was that the GONEGRRE were trying to cut off ginger supply lines and prevent food from getting in. The GONEGGRE attacked while Ed-Sheeran was looking the other way, instantly destroying a swarm of gingers.

The alpha tap-danced epically, causing all the wolves to jump. Then, they started tearing into the supplies. Food was eaten quickly, half of it gone in less than 10 minutes. The gingers were far too confused to attack, Ed Sheeran still wasn't looking.

Suddenly, one of the gingers realised they were being attacked, and started singing The Ballad of Jane Doe. This did nothing against the wolves, but it alerted Ed Sheeran who made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a gasp.

Wolves bit into ginger flesh, ripping out chunks and leaving bone visible. Gingers wept loudly, causing Ed Sheeran to go into a frenzy and start beating up wolves...

spontaneous POV change!!:

BEATBOXING felt nervous, today was his first day as a soldier for the GONEGRRE. But, he was too patriotic to let nervousness effect him or back down, so he would dance forward anyhow.

He unsheathed his epic wolf claws and pounced forward. He ripped through ginger flesh with his claws, and bit through skin with his teeth. His mouth filled with the rambunctious taste of ginger blood, and he gagged.

However, the p̶a̶t̶r̶i̶a̶r̶c̶h̶y̶ patriotic-ness coursed through his wolf veins, he shan't'ed.

He pushed onwards, BEATBOXING's sensitive nose twitched in disgust at the scent of the gingers, they were worse than the non-gingers smell-wise, and the non-gingers smelt terrible and had an unoriginal name, so you know it was bad.

BEATBOXING tackled another ginger, biting into its neck and ripping out its...innards? He doesn't know ginger biology. He spat them out, the taste lingered.

He ran for the supply vehicle, ripping it open with his claws and eating whatever was inside.

It was disgusting. Not as disgusting as ginger flesh, but still gross. Suddenly BEATBOXING heard a rancorous, shrill voice begin to sing , and his wolf blood went cold.

Ed Sheeran would turn around.

BEATBOXING became all too aware of the ginger wails as he ran outside to help his kind, however, he was intercepted with a fist.

The fist of Ed Sheeran.

BEATBOXING howled as white-hot pain engulfed his side, he tried to fight back, but Ed was too strong

BEATBOXING was knocked down, never to wake up again.

SPONTANEOUS POV CHANGE X2!!

eventually, both sides got too tired to justify the cost of the fight and made too many terrible musical references that nobody understood and just went home.

Their second fight was against the non-gingers-

"But Mother!" James asks, "Why would they fight us both? and who is "BEATBOXING"?" His face scrunches up in confusion.

"James, you are legit messing up my groove! They fought us both because they didn't care about the ginger's invasion of us, and just wanted more land!" Mother says with great annoyance.

"Oh, sorry Mother!" James says sheepishly, too sheepish to mention the second question again.

"Anyways!" Mother continues.

-this fight was called 'Ohio Gyatt', it was for control of the small non-ginger town, Ohio. Ohio is a good trading point, so it was a strategic invasion. The battle was a blood bath.

Mother had only been in the trenches for a few weeks, the waves of ginger after ginger finally stopped for a while in a standstill, then fully after being attacked by GONEGRRE in Fanum Tax. Nobody had seen a single ginger for days.

Suddenly, they were ambushed by GONEGRRE. She was taken off guard, barely being able to put up her sword when claws clashed with metal and grazed her wrists, tearing the uniform slightly.

Mother gritted her teeth, pushing back, driving the sword into the wolf's heart and pulling it out with a sickening squelch, brown fur turning red. Mother dances out of the way of claws, putting up her sword in defense to block again.

However, she barely manages to duck before a wolf launches from behind her, flying over her head and crashing into the other, rolling away in a goofy wacky cartoonish manner. Mother takes the distraction and skewers them, they fall limp, blood spilling from the wound. However, she doesn't turn in time to block a hit from behind, claws dig into her back, and she screams, twisting around and chopping off the wolf's head with one swing.

Her back burns, her arms hurt. It feels like-

Charles speaks up "Um, Mother...a little graphic don't you think?" before quickly adding, "Sorry."

Mother blinks owlishly before shaking her head, "It's fine the war just... gets to me... flashbacks!!"

Unnamed 5-year-old female child speaks up, "That's completely normal- not that I'd know. I definitely wasn't a 42-year-old witch during the war on the non-ginger side!"

Mother chortles, "wild imaginations, anyhow!"

Mother bandaged the wound with a jacket of a fallen non-ginger, wrapping it tightly around her flesh and continuing. Eventually, they kick all of the Wolves out of Ohio.

However, the wolves don't get to start another battle. Only a day after, Ed Sheeran marches all of his troops into wolf territories, easily overcoming the GONEGRRE, who were considerably weakened from their harsh battle against the non-Gingers. The gingers even figure out how to use tap dancing magic to make ginger wolves, which join the ginger armies in Arkansas.

Then, they set their sights on the non-Gingers.

"Wow. we had no chance." James points out, Mother sighs somberly.

"No... we really didn't," she agrees.

The air is suddenly now tense, and awkward silence engulfs the remaining residents.

Then, there is loud shuffling and the sound of Zucorpse barging out of the basement, scurrying around on all fours.

"ZUCORPES SMELLS MISERY, ZUCORPES IS READY TO FEAST," Zucorpse rasps, voice sounding suspiciously like a dried, dying, zucchini corpse originating in eastern Alabama, descending from Trisha Paytas and Satan after escaping the gingers in Arkansas... or like someone severely and deathly allergic to water. Both are accurate.

"OH, MY DAYS, ZUCORPSE!" Mother scolds, already getting out of her chair.



==> Chapter 7

Zucorpse is beaten by the almighty beating stick.

"Zucorpse you little Alabamian pest," Mother scrawled, "but I guess you can stay for this last part of the war recount. It may even do you good considering you were previously a homosexual."

Mother lays the beating stick under the floorboards for future use.

Charles twitches his left eye oddly towards the word homosexual. Mother continues the story.

The war was becoming an extreme battle. Non-gingers uniforms were bloodstained with ginger blood, Arkansas was looking almost as sickly as its lizard-eyed lover and worst of all, there were nasty ginger wolves. The non-gingers didn't ever see this coming but perhaps, perchance, the gingers may win?!

Mother was becoming frightened. She has kept her male act up for several years at this point and every moment became more frightened of getting outed as female and religious. But one fateful day, her second most feared fear happened.

"Mother," Unnamed 5 Year Old Female Child interjected. "What is your most feared fear?" Mother snorted, but not out of laughter.

"Homosexuals and witches."

Charles and Unnamed 5 Year Old Female Child physically gulped marginally loud James side-eyed them in a British manner.

Unnamed 5-year-old female child stuck her tongue out at him.

Mother was going on with her regular daily war routine. Shooting gingers, then cleaning, then shooting some more gingers, then cleaning then shooting some post-GONEGRRE gingers. The religious woman aspect of her hadn't worn off in the war, maintaining her instinct to clean.

While she was shooting down some gingers, a deviously sinister nasty little ginger wolf came behind her and ripped her bloodstained uniform off her, revealing her womanly apron. As it was the law that all woman-identifying non-gingers must wear an apron constantly, the crusty ratty ginger wolves, the sickly odd-haired gingers she was shooting down and any surrounding bystanders concluded that she was not only a woman but also a Lana stan due to the fact she happened to be wearing her Lana Del Rey merch. They knew Ed didn't like Lana Del Rey due to the fact she was not ginger.

This caused outrage on the battlefield. The conclusion was that the only trait both gingers, non-gingers and even the wolves shared was hating women.

"That's why he was always cleaning the trenches!" somebody called out.

But Mother would not stand for this. She may as well sit. She knew her heart burned for the absolute violence and bloodshed the war brought upon her soul. Ever since she saw that sigma army propaganda, she yearned for it. So, she knew she really had to go out with a bang.

She grabbed her trusty sword and went over to one of the many gingers who yelled at her prior. She pieced that sharp point sword of hers into his odd neck. Bright red foul ginger blood burst from him, coating his uniform.

She sliced through his flesh like there was no tomorrow, unfazed by the screams. She stabbed both his lizard eyes as strange liquid oozed out of them. She tore his matted ginger uniform and made a large cut into his stomach, reaching in she pulled out his large intestine and stuffed it in his mouth for funsies.

Everyone was absolutely appalled. None of them ever thought a Birmingham baker girl could do anything of that sort.

Mother looked back at the crowd she had compiled in glory. Mother was the root cause of women's rights! She looked at the ginger side. They weren't going to even come close to her anymore.

As she glanced, she took a double take and saw the man who came to the bakery. He looks lowkey kind of swayed at her.

As she headed back to the trenches, a loud horn was sounded, and the gingers parted to form a path. Before she could do anything, Ed Sheeran, King of the Gingers was standing right in front of her.

"MOTHER," Zucorpse yearned.

"Yes, you menacing creature," Mother said in response.

"WHY DID ED SHEERAN COME ALL THE WAY FROM ARKANSAS, HIS DEARLY BELOVED LARGE ROCK, TO YOU?"

"Zucorpse, LET ME FINISH MY GOD DAMN STORY BEFORE I STICK A SWORD IN YOUR NECK, YOU WORTHLESS RODENT-LIKE REPTILLIAN FAILURE OF A GINGER AND ZUCHINNI!" Mother screeched abruptly.

Zucorpse wept.

"Sorry, that vocal tone is caused by those bloody war flashbacks. Anyway, I'll continue the story."

Mother could smell Ed Sheeran's stench from a mile away but now that she was close to him, it truly sickened her. Before the non-gingers could do anything, Ed Sheeran ordered the gingers with telepathy to surprise attack all the non-gingers immediately since they forgot their earphones.

The gingers started singing The Ballad of Jane Doe obnoxiously and instantly cursed many non-gingers to become ginger, Mother only made it out with her hair due to a birth defect that made her ear canals too wobbly for their siren songs.

The gingers marched into the non-ginger's territory, knocking stuff over to gain power for it wasn't non-ginger land anymore. It was ginger territory now. As Ed Sheeran placed the ginger flag on the ground, non-gingers whelped.

Mother was miserable. Now that the war was over, she had to find a husband. She looked far and wide and saw a male non-ginger in the crowd of whelping non-gingers. He looked suitable.

She walked towards him and waited for him to ask her out. They went on a small picnic date in the large fields near Arkansas. They talked about many topics. The war, their careers, their fandoms, their hopes and dreams. Suddenly, the man pulled out a shiny slightly crusty ring and proposed. Mother knew as a woman she must say yes.

After the wedding, Mother had twins, adopted a cat and found a rotten zucchini named Zucorpse in her house which she held hostage, and also Unnamed 5-Year-Old Female Child, whose origins cause Mother to scratch her chin.

She was living the dream... If you ignored Ed Sheeran, who after the war would canonically hide in bushes that are strawberry blonde in colour because the ginger colour-blindness would often trick the man.

Mother was living in dream. (correct grammar)

==> Chapter 8
Sprinkles the cat meowed, and everyone agreed.

"Yes, mother!" James said, "What happened next? With the non-ginger?"

Mother scowled, pushing herself away from the table. "He was your father. Ran off with that Irishman."

James gulped nervously at Mother's threatening aura.

"James, go to the mines. Zucorpse, basement. Everyone else, I don't care." Mother stormed off outside to weep dramatically into the river. Unnamed 5-year-old female child and Charles watch as the rest of their family goes off to do whatever they do, before standing up and turning on each other.

"What do you know." Charles hisses.

"You are secretly a homosexual who has a crush on a ginger at school." Unnamed 5-year-old female child replies, narrowing her eyes. "What do you know."

"you're a 42-year-old woman in a 5-year-old's body who's actually a witch and was in the war and frequently has flashbacks." Charles supplied.

A beat of silence.

"Okay if I promise not to tell anyone you're homosexual, do you promise not to tell anyone I'm a 42-year-old witch who was in the war?" Unnamed 5-year-old female child questions, raising her left middle finger.

Charles ponders this for a moment.

"Deal," he says earnestly, taking her middle finger with his left middle finger and shaking it. They both relax visibly, sitting back down.

"So....." Unnamed 5-year-old female child begins wisely, "You notice anything weird during mother's story or was that just me?"

"I did indeed, you are not the main character, Unnamed 5-year-old female child. Even Zucorpes could pick up on that! Plus, main characters have names." Charles replies humorously.

They both giggle very masculinely.

"The ginger, yes?" Unnamed 5-year-old female child prods.

Charles nods sagely, "Yes, from the bakery."

"Hmmm... forbidden romance??" Unnamed 5-year-old female child questions.

Charles gasped. Somewhere in the distance, a ginger glanced over with their magic gasp-sensing powers. Unnamed 5-year-old female child shivered.

"Do you think Mother would own a diary?" Charles grins.

Unnamed 5-year-old female child grins back. "I mean, she kinda gives female Greg Heffley vibes."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Charles asks.

Unnamed 5-year-old female child nods with great vigour.

"Are you picking up what I'm putting down?" Charles asks.

"I am picking up so many things right now," Unnamed 5-year-old female child replies.

"Say it at the same time?" Charles queries

Unnamed 5-year-old female child nods. "3, 2, 1."

"Steal the diary!" Charles exclaims.

"Hex her so she can no longer write without thinking of that ginger man!!!" Unnamed 5-year-old female child says at the same time.

Charles looks upon her in horror.

"I mean, what you said... yeah." Unnamed 5-year-old female child says, suddenly sheepish.

Charles blinks owlishly, "Okay, yup. let's just ignore that!"

Unnamed 5-year-old female child nods. "Where do you think she'd hide the diary?"

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," Charles says, scratching his chin whilst pondering, "under her bed?"

Unnamed 5-year-old female child nods, "Yes, I see no issues with this. Let's go rob mother's diary that is under her bed."

And off they march, up the stairs until they reach mothers door, collectively they decide to sacrifice Unnamed 5-year-old female child as she can slip through door cracks.

Unnamed 5-year-old female child crawls through the door, and under mothers' bed; where she finds... Zucorpse????

"Zucorpse!!" Unnamed 5-year-old female child whisper-yells. "What are you doing under mothers' bed??"

Zucorpse giggles cutely, "I TICKLE MOTHERS TOESIE WOSIES EVERY NIGHT AT 3AM!!"

Unnamed 5-year-old female child doesn't gasp as she refuses to after the war, so she meows.

"Do you happen to know where mother's diary is?" Unnamed 5-year-old female child asks.

Zucorpse ponders this, before pulling a sparkly pink Hannah Montana diary out from behind Unnamed 5-year-old female child's ear.

Unnamed 5-year-old female child meows again. "A-are y-you a w-witch???" she asks, stuttering.

Zucorpse chortles, "NO SILLY Unnamed 5-year-old female child, YOU JUST HAVE REALLY BIG EARS."

Unnamed 5-year-old female child nods fervently, that was true.

"Thank you, lower being." Unnamed 5-year-old female child takes the book and slips back under the doorframe where she meets Charles.

Together, they sneakily bring the book into the basement, where they grab a torch and open the book.

"Ready?" Unnamed 5-year-old female child asks, Charles nods.

"Of course, barbecue."

Dear diary,

Hello book. It is I, today I met the most scrumptious man at the bakery I gaslit into letting me work at. He was a ginger, yuck, but... something was different. This man was more than just a ginger to me. Talk about eye candy! His eyes look like soup. Oh boy do I love soup.

Thats it for me, book.

Mother signing off.

Charles gasped and Unnamed 5-year-old female child meowed.

"Our suspicions were correct!" Charles cries, in distress. "She liked a ginger, and soup!!!"

Unnamed 5-year-old female child Nods sadly, "keep reading, this is important for plot."

Dear diary,

Omg book, you will not believe the day I had! Today was the national sliding competition, and guess what? I didn't slide 6 feet, or even 8 feet! I slid a whole 12 feet! can you believe that? I WON the sliding competition and now am the National Sliding Competition Champion!!! And afterwards, the ginger man gave me bread!! And i know i usually separate food from romance because it tastes bad, but... I couldn't help it!!!!!!

Thats all, collected pages!
Lots of slide, Mother.

Charles and Unnamed 5-year-old female child were too flabbergasted to gasp or meow.

"Wow!" Unnamed 5-year-old female child exclaims, "12 feet of sliding? I can only slide 6 feet and Charles and James can only slide 2. Zucorpes can't even slide!" (Sprinkles the cat doesn't slide, he refuses to get that low to the ground.)

"Romance and bread?" Says Charles incredulously, "Those things seriously clash! how dare she mix those two!" Charles shakes his head angrily.

Unnamed 5-year-old female child meows, not even noticing it before. "Oh fiddle sticks! You're right! We must return this at once! Any book that mixes the two is sinful, too much even for us!" She agrees.

They close the book and sneak back upstairs.

Charles waits outside, and Unnamed 5-year-old female child sneaks back under the doorframe sneakily, crawling under the bed, nodding at Zucorpse and leaving the bed, Zucorpse grabs her wrist.

"What is it, less than?" Unnamed 5-year-old female child asks impatiently, tapping her foot on the ground.

Zucorpse shakes Zer head, "AS AN EX GINGER, I JUST SENSED CHARLES GASPING. SOMETHING EERIE IS GOING ON." Zucorpse screams, and at that moment the door opens.

Mother stands there, looking at them menacingly, glowing.

And for once, Unnamed 5-year-old female child can't control it, she gasps.

==> to be continued…