The Laughing Judge

"All rise! The Honorable Judge Hilda Mathews Presiding!"

We rose and my lawyer looked around the room nervously. "Hilda Mathews!" he whispered. "She's known for being tough. They say she never smiles."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. I glanced across the room where my (soon-to-be) (hopefully) ex-wife was with her lawyer. She actually looked bored.

I thought about how this had begun. . .

It began when my wife and I started hating each other's guts. Simple really. That was when I said to my wife, "This is crazy! We never agree on anything!"

"You're right," she said.

There was a bit of irony in that and it made me forget that I was angry for a moment, but I have a good memory. "I want a divorce!," I cried.

"So do I!"

Now I really felt that something was wrong, but she continued, "Still, you know we live in one of the hardest states for divorce. I looked into it and it turns out that to get a divorce in this state there has to be either physical cruelty or divorce."

"Physical cruelty? Like I would have to beat you up?"

"Or I could beat you up?" Here she picked up a metal serving spoon and waved it at me menacingly.

"Hard pass on that," I said. "But what about adultery? That's no problem. I'll commit adultery."

She looked at me with wide eyes. "You'll commit adultery? Who with?"

"Well, there's a really nice girl named Diane at the office. I'll ask her." I picked up my phone and dialed Diane's number.

"Hello, Diane?. . . It's Arnold. I'm calling because my wife and I want to get a divorce and I was wondering if you'd like to commit adultery with me. . . I see. . .Well, do you think we could make it on a hot day in Hell? Those are more common. . Look maybe we could compromise. . .How about a day when the temperature in Hell drops to the upper 60s?. . .Hello?. . .Diane?"

My wife shook her head. "This is ridiculous. Why don't you just find a woman and ask her to claim you committed adultery with her?"

"You mean, lie?"

"Yeah, but if you want to have committed adultery with her and I want you to have committed adultery with her, what's the harm, really?"

She had a point.

Instead of calling Diane back, I called another girl at the office named Sheri. Sheri didn't completely understand what I was asking of her, but there were a lot of things Sherie didn't understand.

So that was how it came to pass, that me, my (soon-to-be) (hopefully) ex-wife, and Sheri were all in the courthouse before Judge Mathews that day. "Now," said the judge in a monotone voice. "Margaret Walker, you are seeking a divorce against your husband Arnold Walker on the grounds that he has been cheating on you?"

"Um. . .yeah. . . I guess so," said my (soon-to-be) (hopefully) ex-wife.

The judge glanced at me with an odd expression. "Do you have evidence to support this?"

"Yes," said my (soon-to-be) (hopefully) ex-wife's lawyer. "I call Sheri Lincoln to the stand!"

Sheri took the stand and the judge was looking her up and down. "Ms. Lincoln, am I to understand that you had sexual relations with that man." She indicated me.

"Yeah," said Sheri, "sexual relations."

"With that individual over there? The one who looks kind of like Mr. Bean's goofy cousin?"

"Uh yeah."

"Please tell the court how that happened."

"Certainly. I'll tell you all about it. You see, we were in the copy room and I was sitting on the copying machine, because I like sitting on the copy machine and he came in and he saw me there and he unzipped his pants, grabbed me around the waist, and wooh! Wooh! Wooh!"

Was it me or was the judge smirking a little a bit now? "Let me see if I have this straight. That guy came up to you and opened his pants?" Now there was definitely a smile on her face.

"And he took you around the waist?"

Sheri nodded.

"And this is the part I like the best," said the judge with a snicker, "he made you 'wooh-wooh!"

"Yep," said Sheri.

The judge really looked like she was stifling herself. "Oh Lord! He must have had quite a 'salami'."

"Salami?" said Sheri. "Well, no. This was more like an Oscar Mayer Wiener."

"Now that's the first part I believe," said the judge.

"How did she know?" asked my (soon-to-be) (hopefully) ex-wife.

The judge instantly recovered. "Wait a minute, Ms. Walker. What do you mean, 'how did she know?' You're the one that's accusing her of this.

My (not very likely) (soon-to-be) ex-wife's face fell.

A few minutes later the judge dismissed the case and we're still married.

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