Chapter 18

I must be honest I came across a nice guy online and we became
close friends, his name was Billy. We really got along well
until he wanted more, and I wasn’t interested that way. We had
a lot of fun while it lasted, we would go out every Saturday
night, we had a routine. I know for a fact a lot of people
can't understand how I could do this, and one of those people
was my mom when she found out about my outings. I am
surprised she didn't have a heart attack when she found out
what her daughter was up to.
We would get together almost every Saturday and we would go to
a local strip club, yes, an all nude strip club. We would
spend a couple hours there, then we would go out to one of the
nightclubs in the area and I would dance the rest of the night
away. It was fun at the strip clubs, that is when I started
to wonder about maybe playing for the other team, but I love
cock and a man's body too much to give it up, so that never
got off the ground. I am a very open-minded person and I
guess I will try anything at least once and if it’s fun why
not have fun. There were a couple of the girls that I got
close too. There was even one Spanish girl and she would see
me walk in come running over yelling there’s my sugar mama and
give me a big hug and kiss on the cheek. I think that is why
I liked it so much, because when the girls weren't up on the
stage they were sitting with me and we were talking and
drinking.
It’s just Sad though the things these girls were putting up
with for a living and most of them were my age or younger and
had kids and boyfriends or husbands at home. I didn’t agree
with what they would have to put up with and I would often
tell them to come to where I work and fill out an application,
but of course the money they were making there wouldn’t touch
what they would be getting where I was working. It’s just sad
the things that women do sometimes to make ends meet and
support a family.

Billy, I think to myself, I haven’t thought about him or those
days for a long time. I know for a fact there were no
feelings in me for him, because trust me if there were any
feelings I felt for him he would not be near or in a fucking
strip club, especially with me. Hell no, there is no way in
fucking hell a guy that I am interested in would be looking at
another chick’s twat and have me sitting next to him laughing
and having a good time fuck that.
Unfortunately, this girl has become a jealous person when it
comes to a man that she is involved with, this too is another
wonderful quality that I can attribute to the perfect
relationships that I have endured. I have big time issues
with looks and comparing myself to every single woman I see.
I will constantly compare myself to them and of course think
they are so much better than me. It is bad, and people get
sick and tired of hearing it, but I just can't brush it off no
matter how hard I try. I know I drove the last guy I was with
fucking insane, constantly saying things like you would rather
be with her, she is who you should be with and so on and so
forth. It’s a tough battle to win to feel better about
yourself when you have a fucking bully living in your head
constantly reminding you about all the flaws you possess. The
flaws you believe you have because you were told you did by
someone that was supposed to love you.
Wow, I guess writing in my journal stirred up a lot of my
memories that I haven’t thought about recently. Not sure if
that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I guess it doesn't
matter there is no changing the past.
I decide on that bowl of ice cream and grab a bowl out of the
cabinet and get the ice cream out of the freezer. I take it
over and plop down on the sofa next to Brandi. We sit side by
side and watch television until 9:30 and I decide I am going
to head off to bed, I must admit I do seem a bit more tired I
wonder if it has to do with being awake earlier than usual
this morning, or if it has to do with stirring up my past.

As I turn out all the lights and the television I think to
myself by this time tomorrow I will know what I am going to do
with Warren. I do know one thing for sure, he did not reach
out to me at all today, wonder if that is a sign. I sometimes
wish I had some super power that I would have the ability to
know what someone was thinking or feeling. But I don't so I
will just have to do what I think is right and hope for the
best. I walk into my room and pull down the sheets just as
Brandi jumps up with her toy and lays herself down up by my
pillows. I turn off the light and crawl into bed on the
opposite side that Brandi is on. At least I don't have to
sleep alone, “goodnight Brandi have sweet kitty cat dreams.”