Chapter 5

I get into my apartment, throw my purse on the counter and start jumping around laughing. Brandi is there she could care less about how oddly her human mom is acting. All she cares about is food, I am late and she is pacing back and forth next to me meowing at me. Looking at her I say, “Brandi you will never believe what happened to me on the way home”. I cannot remember the last time I felt this happy and giddy inside, to be honest I don’t remember if I have ever felt this happy about meeting a man. I mean what the hell is wrong with me, I am this thrilled all over the man who damaged my car. Starting to feed Brandi I say, “I am so silly, he said about wanting to meet again, but who knows if he meant it. Maybe it was just his way of making it seem like he was truly upset about the accident”. Brandi, I really wish I could ask you for your opinion, if only you could talk. She just keeps eating ignoring me and my ramblings.

Now that I am at home The Belittler, as I call him comes to make his presence known. The little masculine voice that has been in my head for many years. Who constantly throws in his two cents, but should never even be worth even one cent. He is such a mean, cruel and miserable enemy. Trys to sabatoge anything that makes me happy and he will always be the first to rain on any of my parades. He spits out, "you fool, you believe a man such as Warren wants anything to do with you? He had one thing and one thing only on his mind when he said about meeting you again. That was the icing on his please don't sue me cake he baked for you." I think in my mind responding to him "even though I know your fucking opinion isn’t worth shit and I should not care what the fuck your opinion even is for that matter you still know how to piss me off and ruin my mood."

Most people have a normal conscience, or voice that speaks to them in their head. The voice you hear as you are about to do something you shouldn't, like put your hand on a hot stove, it will tell you not to do that. I have that normal voice, but then I also have The Belittler, he is the bully, my own worst enemy that lives in there too. Over the years he has gained so much power that I have such a hard time overpowering him. I try so hard to not believe the words he spews at me, but after so much repetition it's kind of a lost cause. The Belittler, he was created by all the negative relationships I have had and from the constant thinking I wasn't good enough and that I deserved the things I received. I can't blame him totally, I gave him the chance to move in and make himself at home.

As I try to ignore The Belittler, I go to the freezer and grab out one of my frozen meals. I always keep some on hand for back up just in case I'm not able to cook a meal for some reason or another. I look at the clock and cannot believe that it is already after 7:30, so I pop the meal in the microwave, grab a beer and head off to the bathroom to take a shower. I look at my reflection in the mirror and by this time my lip stopped bleeding, but it is puffy and swollen, it kind of looks like I just received a bad Botox injection, and only on the one side of my mouth. Great that looks attractive, like I really need any assistance in looking unattractive, honestly. I start to undress, as I lift my arms to take off my shirt I wince, immediately realizing how stiff and sore I am. Wow, I can't believe that the impact of the accident has me this sore. I see a red mark down over my left shoulder and across the top of my left breast and realize that this must be from the seat belt, again thinking how grateful I am that those airbags didn't deploy.

I turn on the water in the shower to let it get hot, and I take a sip for my beer. I have a little radio in the bathroom that I flick on and I start swaying to the music being played. I move very gently I'm way to sore for any real movements, just the gentle swaying is causing soreness in different spots on my body. I step into the shower and close my eyes as the hot water hits my body and it feels so good. My mind's eye sees Warren Davenport, in his bathroom taking a shower, his naked body, the water glistening all over him. Watching him as he lathers soap all over his body and goes under the water to rinse off. I open my eyes and say "Good God lady what in the world is going on with you?" But then I silently think, in my own defense it has been a really long time since I have been in a sexual relationship. Actually, it has been never when it comes to one looking like Warren Davenport. I make the water colder and finish up taking my shower as I bring my mind back to more G rated thoughts, I guess it is for my own good.

Getting out of the shower I dry off and dress in my oversized pjs, then go out and get my dinner from the microwave. Taking my meal into the living room, I find the remote and turn on the TV. I set the remainder of my beer on the end table and plop myself down on the couch, this sends a wince from within from the motion of the plop. One thing I know for sure, tomorrow is going to be hell, the pain is always worse the day after a car accident. I haven't had many, but I know from the ones I did have that is the truth, the second day hurts worse. I have to remember to grab Advil and take them before I go to bed to help ease some discomfort.

Brandi is sitting on her perch by the bay window cleaning herself, she ate her dinner now she's getting ready for bed. I flip through the channel guide to find the crime network I usually watch around this time. Talk about having favorite TV channels, I am absolutely addicted to the investigation and criminal channels. The ones that show stories about crimes that have really happened and the outcome of those crimes. I have always been a huge fan of the reality cop shows too, but I think that was because I always had a thing for cops. Thinking about it, Warren Davenport would make one hell of a sexy ass cop, I wonder what he does for a living. Wow, if he were a cop, that fantasy from the shower would be nothing compared to what I'd be fantasizing with him as a cop. Stopping my mind before it heads towards the ditch again I find my channel and start to eat my dinner.

This show on now is about a married couple, who seemed to be the perfect image of the whole happily ever after, that was until the day the husband went crazy and killed his wife in cold blood. I just don't know how someone can kill another person, especially someone that they were supposed to be in love with, to look at that person and just take their life away. I mean me, I'm the type of person that feels guilty if I kill a bird driving my car, I know for a fact I could never go hunting and look at an animal and kill it. The sad part is that there are so many murders out there in today's world. That's the fucked up part about me too, I watch these shows but I will not watch the news, just another one of my strange oddities.

Finishing up my dinner and my beer, I think one more beer after today's events I could use it. I have to remember to change my alarm and set it a little earlier since I have to call Uber to come pick me up. I will head out of the office tomorrow at noon so that I can come home and reach out to the my insurance company and find out how to go about getting a loaner car. I am assuming that Warren's insurance should cover everything since he ran into the back of me, but I still am not sure how all this works. Sighing I think again about my poor car, I have a wierd thing about feeling connected to certain objects and my car was one of them, I really loved her we were through a lot together.

Walking over to the refrigerator I open it up to grab a cold beer, just as I close the door my cell phone chimes. Immediately I feel my heart start pounding and feel the heartbeat in my temples wondering what happened. There is no reason anyone would be texting me at this time unless something happened. I mean sad truth be told no one really calls or texts me other than my mom, so panic sets in as I hurry over to my phone. I pick up my phone and see a number I do not recognize, this makes my anxiety even that much worse, thinking it's a hospital or something. Silently praying as I click the message to open it and to my astonishment it reads “I meant what I said about being sorry and hoping that we can maybe have a planned meeting sometime”. I feel a rush of relief flood over my entire body, my knees feel weak and I leave out the breath that I was apparently holding as my mouth falls open. My mouth drops open and the beer almost slips from my grip. You have to be kidding me is all I can think as my nerves start to settle back to normal.

After a few minutes reality hits me and I wonder how he has my number, I mean I didn’t give it to him. I take a sip from the beer running this through my head to try to come up with a reasonable solution as to how he has my number. I set my beer down on the countertop and go over to my purse where the paperwork from the accident is and open the report. I see his name and phone number listed on there along with all my information. Oh, ok that makes sense he got it off the papers, here I was wondering if he were some sort of stalker looking me up online, I mean he does know where I live and my name. I grab my beer and my cellphone and go back to sit on the couch in front of the TV. Now I start to wonder if this means that he really is interested in us getting together or is this still a don't sue me plan like Mr. Belittler says.

I sit there and think about the feeling I got every time he touched me today, and I begin to wonder if that was some sort of a sign. Maybe a sign that there was something between us, and maybe I wasn’t the only one that felt those sensations and that he had felt them too. I immediately begin to hear The Belittler start to come to life, as he says, "sure Sophie you dumb bitch are you truly that blind and fucking stupid to think that a man like Warren Davenport would give you the time of day? If you do you are much stupider than I ever could have thought, you were.” I feel defeated thinking he is right, why would someone like Warren have the least bit of interest in someone like me. I guess I should thank The Belittler for stopping me from texting Warren back and making a complete fool of myself.

I grab my beer, and my phone and sit on the couch my mind still stuck on Warren Davenport. Wondering why he even bothered to send a text. I never said anything to him about suing him, and I didn't give off that I was thinking anything like that. It's like why keep playing mister nice guy, the accident happened it's over so leave me alone now and go back to your perfect life and all the perfect Barbie girls you have lined up. I chug the rest of my beer and set it down on the end table next to me, grab the remote and turn off the TV. I sit there for a minute with a bunch of thoughts running through my mind and in the midst Mr. Belittler is in there chiming in his thoughts. I take my phone and open up the text again to reread it and see if I missed anything, "I meant what I said about being sorry and hoping that we can maybe have a planned meeting sometime." Nope, same thing there that I read the first time, not sure how I thought I missed anything the first time.

Mr. Belittler is now on full attack telling me again how dumb I am to even think that this gorgeous guy would want anything to do with me. Reminding me of every single asshole that I dated that was nowhere near being the man Warren Davenport is and to look at how they treated me. That's when The Belittler lets out his oh so appalling, hounding little laugh as he says “Sophie, I really thought you had more sense than to think for one second someone like Warren would ever be interested in a fucking ugly, fat bitch like you. You disappoint me. He is probably making an ass out of you because he saw how you looked at him and how foolish you acted when he touched your hand or paid any attention to you. He probably has a hot skinny chick that could be a model waiting for him at home you think he would pass that up for the likes of you. You the 24-year-old girl that has a kitty cat at home waiting for her. You are truly the epitome of pathetic.” I sit there my eyes moist with unshed tears, my heart in the pit of my stomach. You are totally right, I am so dumb how could I have even thought just for one second that he might be interested.

I see Brandi knocked out sleeping in her perch all curled up and say, “Brandi you don't know how lucky you are.” I turn out the lights and crawl into my bed alone like always, thinking about how stupid I was to think that Warren was really interested in me and how fucking stupid I was to let myself get so excited and hyped up. It feels like I've been laying there forever having all these different thoughts with reasons why someone like Warren Davenport wouldn't want me and The Belittler is right there agreeing with every single one of them. I just wonder if I am doomed to be alone forever as the tears start to escape from my eyes. That's when I feel my ride or die jump up on the bed, she walks up to my face and rubs her head on mine curls up in front of me and starts to purr. I'm not sure how long after that it was that I feel asleep petting her.