Chapter 1

Looking at my image that's looking back at me from the mirror, peering straight into my own eyes I say with conviction "today is going to be a great day". I’m not insane, well not completely yet anyway. Constantly I read or watch things on how to help with my life, my mind and relationships, or lack of all the above. I need to try to find something that might make my life better. A way that works to make me a happier person, or perhaps even provide me with a dose of self-love, before I am sitting in a corner rocking and drooling.

The past year or two has been pretty tough, I've read a million different articles, books and watched podcasts in a search to find the miracle that will help me out of this dark abyss I have crashed into. Some people out there are searching for the fountain of youth. Me, I am in search of finding enjoyment and happiness to add to my life again,self-love would be nice too. So far though I’ve yet to hit pay dirt, I mean someone out there has to have some easy DIY for this shit.

I am Sophie McIntosh, just your ordinary 24 year old, brown hair, blue eyes and a little junk in the trunk. Ok so maybe not just the trunk, it’s evenly dispersed throughout the entire body, it’s evenly proportioned, my fat was an equal opportunity provider. I know that going to the gym or exercise in general would help me with my happiness, the whole serotonin thing, but this girl is definitely not a fan. As a kid and a teenager I wasn’t even athletic but I was basically happy and really liked being me. Plus my body was much more toned, plus I even had a boyfriend through high school.

I'm not sure exactly when or what it was that happened to me to put me in such a funky, crappy place in life. Well, perhaps I have an idea as to what has changed me so much, men. Yep, the guys I seem to gravitate to nowadays always seem to suck and not be the best of choices. I never thought my judgment of people was so lacking and sucked so bad until I started to seriously date and start looking for a committed adult relationship. That was when I realized how fucked up my judgement really was. If I was a cartoon character this is the moment that lightbulb above my head would have lit up.

Getting myself ready for work this Monday morning the thought pops in my head as to why in the world do these weekends zoom by. Seriously, I really have no life and pretty much spend my whole weekend with my best friend Brandi who seriously is amazing. Let me tell you this is my ride or die bitch right here. She doesn't cut me off and just lets me vent to her when I’m in a funk. Her love is unconditional and she never asks for anything in return, well except maybe some scratches on her cheeks and ears. Oh and a clean litter box and to be fed at the correct times. Brandi is the cat that I adopted from the shelter about 6 months ago. So someone please explain to me how a weekend of cleaning my one bedroom apartment, doing laundry, running errands, and playing with Brandi can fly by so damn fast.

Being a creature of habit, my rituals every weekday morning are almost always the same. Alarm goes off at 7 am, get myself all ready for work then head out to the kitchen. Smelling my fresh coffee that just finished brewing, Grab a cup and add some milk, feed Brandi and then will grab a quick bite of something. As I head out the door I blow Brandi a kiss, tell her I love her and that I will see her tonight. She gives me her whatever look, as she goes back to grooming herself in the sunshine. Must be nice, I think to just stay home and do whatever the hell you want. I mean you have a human to take care of all your needs, so all you need to do is chill your whole life away with not a care in the world . I think to myself, wow to come back to life like that and have it made. But with my luck I would end up being a stray out on the streets or end up with an abusive owner and have the worst life ever. Yes, I guess you can tell I am not a person that has an optimistic view of things, I am definitely more of a Debbie downer.

My job is definitely a far cry from my childhood dream job of being a nurse. But it is a steady, stable job that pays the bills, or at least most of the time it does. I work for a small manufacturing company in their accounting department, I've been there for 5 years. It isn't the best job, but it isn't the worst job either. Don't get me wrong, there are those days that it is for sure the worst job ever. But those days don't happen all that often so I can handle it when it is the worst.

I arrive at work and no one else is in the office. There are 10 of us that work in the administrative office, it's a small family owned company. Janet I would say is the closest friend I have there, she is older than me but we are very similar. We seem to have experienced a lot of the same problems throughout our lives. I started working here I believe a year before they hired Janet as the receptionist. We have been talking about starting to hang out together after work, but I have a hard time making changes in my routines. Not quite sure why I'm like this but I just have a hard time making plans, I guess it's just part of the funky ass mood I've been stuck in, along with a bit of my past.

Hell, back in the day I had tons of friends. Really close friends from school that I grew up with, but they slowly drifted away. They probably got sick of calling me up and asking me to go out with them and constantly being told no. See whenever I get into a relationship, the man is the one and only person in my life, I won't go anywhere without him I feel guilty for leaving him at home. It's not good to have my entire world revolve around the man in my life, especially when his world isn't revolving around me. Looking back I have done this with every single one of my relationships, and trust me these relationships were not the best. I've had my fair share of being cheated on, raped and some of them have mentally or physically abused me. Sometimes I wish I would have made my friends the priority back then, because I can bet that if I did we would still be friends to this day.

I truly have lost so much of myself, my heart and my self-esteem it's like I've been shattered to pieces but they can't even be collected and put together anymore, I wouldn’t even know where to find them. Even going through counseling, and being put on medications to try to help me find myself again has been a rough road. Just hoping that something will help me to find the happiness and the love that I used to have for myself. I have learned that to succeed in that journey it is going to take a lot of time and patience on my part. I am just at the end of my rope when it comes to my negative past dictating the decisions I make now which are also affecting my future, it is time I say enough.