Nothing Left To Say

“Mr. Smith, I’ve put together a list of words you need to avoid during the debate tonight.”

“Fine, George. Just read it to me. What are there, 5 or 10 taboo terms?”

“I’m afraid not, sir. It’s closer to 300 words, and an additional 200 or so phrases.”

“That’s ridiculous. This is America, where we celebrate freedom of speech. What’s this all about? Where’d you get that list?”

“It’s from the campaign committee, sir. They didn’t explain it to me, but, I heard a rumor.”

“What’s that, George? What rumor?”

“It’s about the Independent Party. They’re bringing in a surprise candidate tonight. A ringer.”

“What do you mean, ringer? And what’s that got to do with all those words I can’t say? Just who IS this surprise candidate?“

“I don’t have a name, sir, but I heard the person is a non-binary intersexual, born with genitalia of both sexes, and dresses differently depending on the occasion. I believe he, or rather she’s appearing as a woman tonight.”

“Good to know. I’ll keep that in mind. No gender specific verbiage or insults. Anything else I should be aware of, George?”

“Um…yes. Her grandparents are Irish-Cubans. Her mother is from Vanuatu and her father is Native American. She herself was born in Guam.”

“Man, that’s messy, but OK, I can deal with all that.”

“A few more items, sir. She’s a Zoroastrian. And a blind, paraplegic with Down Syndrome. Plus she’s bald and has yellow eyes. Also, she’s a single mother of an adult foster child.”

“Unbelievable. Where’s they dig up this…person?”

“Add ‘dig up’ to the list of forbidden phrases, Mr. Smith. She’s 85 years old. And no weight jokes. She's pregnant.

“Call my campaign manager, George. Tell him I can’t make tonight’s debate. I have absolutely nothing left to say.”