How To Get A Boyfriend In Two Months

"They're coming here." Mom is walking to and fro in front of me.

Not really paying attention to her, I ask, "Who?" My mind is fully focused on preparing some lesson materials for my classes.

"My big family," she replies.

"So what?"

"Gracelyn Jane, don't you dare forget what they are! Pain in the ass!" The language Mom uses startles me. She only speaks rudely once in a blue moon, and it is always about her big family.

I stop writing on my laptop. Mom is right. It could be a horrible disaster. They are the most pestiferous people on earth. "Okay. So what should we do? Do we need to prepare a red carpet in our front yard and some festive party to welcome them?" I ask in sarcasm. I don't like them either.

Mom wiggles her hands in nervousness. "No, no. Welcoming them is one thing, but staying single in your thirties is another thing. Your singleness could bring curses to our family!" she shrieks.

"Eh? How come? What's it to do with me being single?" I frown and then put my laptop on the table in front of me.

"Jane, they're coming in two months. Right after your thirtieth birthday." Mom sits next to me and sets her gaze deeply into my eyes. "Remember what name they labeled you with a year ago knowing you were still single after the breakup?"

I roll my eyes. How could I forget the humiliation they caused me to suffer? "A thornback," I answer, with a picture of a sea skate with sharp spines covering its back and tail in my head.

"Yes! And soon you'll graduate from a thornback to a dire she-wolf!"

"Mom! How could you even know that offensive term?" My eyes widen as if I would lose them from their sockets.

Mom holds my hand tightly. "My dear daughter, we have to get you a boyfriend. As soon as possible. Trust me. This is for our good," she tries to persuade me.

"Your good, Mom. I'll just turn a deaf ear for whatever names they're going to call me this time." I correct her words. Taking their words into my heart will just drive me nuts.

"No, no. Ours. You gotta trust me, Jane. From the start, they've never liked me because I'm always the brightest and the most beautiful daughter in the family my late father loved. Now that he's gone, they're taking revenge."

Instead of feeling vexed because of what they did to Mom, I laugh at her story. "The way you bragged about yourself is hilarious, Mom," I comment.

Mom clicks her tongue. "I didn't make it up. It's a fact!" she defends herself. "Ah, don't change the subject. It's about you. So start looking for a boyfriend. Start with online dating apps."

« H2G-AB-I2M »

Before we continue the story further, let me introduce myself. I'm Gracelyn Jane, turning thirty in two months. I mainly work as a freelance language tutor and a romance fiction author as a side job.

No, it's not that I have always been a freaking nerd single lady for as long as I live. I dated two guys —unfortunately the wrong ones— back in 2017 and 2019 consecutively.

Who doesn't know that heartbreaks do hurt? Hey, they once damaged my mentality. Relationships are not easy! So it makes me wonder how those girls easily get into a series of failing relationships and act as if nothing happened.

I'm not going to tell you about my two past relationships. They sucked. However, I was under pressure when I accepted their dating proposal to make it clear.

My younger sister had been dating for two years when she asked my parents' permission to get married before me, complying with Asian cultures. Her boyfriend —now her husband— was the first child in the family. I was okay with her getting married first, but my mom was otherwise. She insisted that I, as the older sister, get married first.

Being a very kind sister, I tried my best to get a boyfriend. Little did I know the heavy burden on my shoulder eventually caused me to waste two years of my precious life and mental health.

Knowing how those two guys brought me more harm than good, my mom gave up and let me live my life. My sister got married and it's her third year of marriage — exactly how long I have been single after the last breakup.

I decided to stay single for the time being, not because nobody liked me. In fact, there were times I was confused about how to reject them politely. Well, I did reject some guys a little too harshly because of their inappropriate manner.

« H2G-AB-I2M »

"I don't want to." I take my laptop back and start reading what I've written on Google Docs.

Mom changes her position in another direction. She looks at whatever is in front of her. "Then, you don't love me. I'll start packing my stuff and leave the house," she threatens me with something I won't get tricked by.

"Mom, I'm not a little kid. I know you won't do it."

She then nods. "Of course. But I can't think of any threat that can scare you. So I used that one instead," she admits.

Simultaneously we burst out in laughter. Mom can indeed be ridiculous and hilarious at times.

"Oh, God..." I sigh once I manage to hold my breath and finish laughing. "Okay. I'll try, Mom. But don't set your hopes high on me."

Mom nods and grins from ear to ear.

I don't know where to begin to search for the right man. I won't repeat the same mistake only because I am under pressure. Again. This time I promise myself to do it very carefully.

« H2G-AB-I2M »

Tinder, Dating.com, e-Harmony, you name it. I've tried them all. I am desperate. Yep! Not because I've been single for a long time, but because I just can't find a guy who meets my 'standards'. I've tried to comply with my mom's wish but I won't harm myself again, making it the third time.

"Most of them are creeps, Mom. Some are even all about the look but they're actually idiots." I complain, throwing my phone onto the bed. Right. I wouldn't throw it anywhere else. I've worked my ass off to earn money and buy this communication tool which happens to be my 'significant half'.

"Hmm." Mom looks like she is thinking of another bizarre idea. I can tell. "Have you tried the Christian dating site? I believe there are some of them you can find on the internet, right?" She may not be good at technology and stuff, but she does know that with technology you can do many impossible things—finding a boyfriend online, to be precise.

I inhale deeply and exhale as long and loud as I can. "Mom... Do you really think that this online dating idea would work? I mean, meeting a real guy in real life doesn't even guarantee your relationship to last. Let alone find him online," I reason and sigh. "It's like looking for a needle in a haystack."

Mom doesn't say much. "Just give it a go." Then she smiles, leaving my bedroom.

I open my mouth, feeling like screaming and throwing a pillow toward the door. However, before I get the chance to do it, Mom shows up again and looks at me, goggled-eyed.

"Are you going to throw the pillow at me?" Mom gasps, flabbergasted.

"Hmm, nope." I act like I am making my bed which indeed looks like a wrecked ship. After seeing Mom leave with my charger in her hand, I let out a sigh of relief. "That was close." Or else, I won't have dinner tonight.

Having no choice, I leave my bed and sit behind my desk. I turn on my laptop and open the browser. I search 'Christian dating sites' and find ten top sites. I choose the top two with the word 'Christian' on their web name. Christian Mingle and Christian Cafe.

Just like on other dating sites, I have to write my real name and some other general information. As I want to be contacted by those with pictures only, I also put up one picture of me there. One with filter; not because I want to look cute and all, but I just don't like to not look presentable. Though I've always been tomboyish and barely put on makeup, this is one thing that always keeps me 'female'.

« H2G-AB-I2M »

It takes three days to get some men to contact me. Unfortunately, as expected, they all don't meet my standards. They're either widowed, divorced, or looking suspicious. Meh.

Well, everyone must know the idea that 'women always do the choosing.' Some people (a.k.a. men) would probably argue about it, but dude, it's a fact. A man can also choose all he wants, but if the woman doesn't choose him, it's game over.

At least, now I get some evidence I can show Mom that even the Christian dating sites don't help. I go to the family room where Mom is watching some Turkish drama.

"Mom. Mom!" I call her but she is too focused on the drama. I deliberately put my phone right in front of her face and finally get her attention. "Look."

"Tch, can't you wait for two minutes? It's almost done." Mom grabs my wrist and asks me to sit next to her.

Reluctantly, I'm on board with her wish, sitting and watching the drama, too. Apparently, her two minutes is over ten minutes. Goodness.

"Okay. What is it that you were going to tell me?" Mom finally turns off the TV and looks at me with a smile. "Do you happen to have some good news? Did the Christian dating site work?"

I arch my right eyebrow with a rigid smile. "You can look at the list of the men who contacted me," I say, handing my phone to her.

Mom takes her reading glasses beside her and starts to observe the list. "Oh, dear! Who are these people?" She squeaks a little.

"Who else? Of course, men from the Christian dating sites." I reply in a lazy tone. My right elbow rests on the head of the couch.

"They're definitely not for you. None of them." Mom firmly voices her opinion in confidence, without a second thought.

I discreetly let out a sigh of relief. "So now I don't have to find any guy online, right?" I conclude and half-plead with her.

Mom shakes her head. "Absolutely, not," she says. "BUT! It means I have to introduce you to my friend's son. His son is good-looking and rich."

Deep inside my heart, there is this boiling rage about to explode. 'MOM...!' Sadly I can only scream inwardly.

The battle hasn't finished yet.