15th March

15th March
It was a good start. The morning was so beautiful with the view of saraswati ghat and the
river. I came back and as planned last night I threw myself into “working”. I started with
helping mom carry the sacks of wheat upstairs, as she insisted on washing it despite not
being in her best health and me refusing to help constantly. Even while writing this, she
asked me to go upstairs and shoo away the birds trying to feed on the grains but me being
me, obviously refused and took another charge of a bad kid. I am obviously not going,
because first I had to write this and second, I am having initial symptoms of cold and I am
feeling bit irritable, I don’t know what to do though. I am tired of being a bad kid and being
irritable, but I didn’t want to go, and I don’t know if mom understands it. I am tired of
thinking about what others will think of me or how my actions hold such a great impact on
other’s feelings or lives.
I don’t understand why I even have to try to be a nice person in a relationship. I don’t know.
It’s exhausting to constantly care about how others are feeling. I am aware my brother is
also kinda learning this type of behavior which makes me feel worried about his future
where he too is constantly trying to look after other’s emotions, to a point where he just
starts to feel guilty and responsible for every emotion and feelings of the other person in
the relationship.
Speaking of which, I should also mention how I texted a long apology letter to one of my
acquaintances in the foundation I worked in for about 20 days. I went there because I
wanted to try something new, and I was trying to get some experience and meet new
people and probably fulfill a bit of my responsibility towards the society and the main
reason was that I wanted to distract myself from the anxiety I was facing, and it was pretty
much on the higher side at that time. I loved the concept you know, the environment was
so good, the people were friendly but I still couldn’t lessen my guilt even while being there.
I went there for about 20 days then I got typhoid and my anxiety was also at its peak at that
time and hence I stopped going there, my mom was not allowing me to go either as she
was worried that I am not studying myself, so I stopped going, but the twist was that I
disappeared from there without saying a goodbye to my former students, they all were
lovely and so dear to me, and that built up a lot of guilt inside me. I never went back, I used
to see pictures of all the events on the whatsapp status, uploaded by the sir, but I never
responded, I never went for any of the events where the invitation said that every member’s
presence was important and it all did really added to my guilt which eventually turned into
fear. I knew that I couldn’t make time regularly so I just decided to disappear which was
wrong, I should have informed sir and visited occasionally after giving a proper goodbye to
the students, but I kept on ignoring it and now it’s not tolerable to me anymore. I even feel
afraid while passing near that area.
So, long story short, I texted ma’am regarding my feelings and how sorry I was. She said I
can meet the kids whenever I want and that it was okay and that she would talk to the kids
about me. I said thank you and then asked how the kids are doing, that text isn’t responded
yet and I just hope she isn’t offended or thought that I was faking it or something. I don’t
want to care about what people think of me. I have observed in most of the cases that
when you don’t care about what people think of you and when you don’t try to explain your
honesty and goodwill and your true feelings to others then it automatically reflects
contrary to when you express yourself too much, you make yourself vulnerable and people
might feel that you are fake and then the cycle of you regretting everything you said repeats
itself and it gets so complex at the end that you might end up breaking the bond eventually
and take a long long time to heal. It happened in Vaibhav’s case. I complicated it too much
and eventually I had to no longer be in his contact. I am much better in the case of him as
now I feel like it was really the right thing to do because he was the type of guy I want to be
like, i.e. not caring about trivial stuff much, so he might not have cared much if I
disappeared from his life.
That text I sent this morning seems bit cringey and weird to me now, what should I do?
When I don’t act according to thoughts they trouble me, and when I do act according to
them they still trouble me by repeating the same cycle of guilt. I hope ma’am and the kids
forgive me and that I didn’t hurt them or broken their trust. The image I am having in my
mind right now really scares me, that is me breaking their trust, but it is okay right, because
there are so many other people visiting them each day and I probably would apologize
again next time I encountered them.
The anxiety sucks dude really. I feel like crying right now, I am really exhausted. If in any
case, you feel I am trying to seek sympathy or trying to portray myself as something, I
apologise dear friend, I just wanted to speak things out, I no longer could have controlled
this.
I understand that this behavior of mine might be somewhere related to anxiety because
interactions with people was something I wasn’t best at since childhood. Earlier I didn’t
use to worry about the repercussions of my behaviors, but ever since I started to, it makes
me feel bad, unfit and unwanted at times too. I don’t know if it is proper to say that I will try
to change it and I would stop worrying about what others say but I would try even if it
doesn’t work or doesn’t help.
I DO NOT CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK, OF ME OR ANYTHING ELSE, I WOULD DO WHAT
FEELS RIGHT. ( The only thing is, I find it hard, sometimes, to figure out what is right.
But I will try. I feel anxious about the future again but it’s alright, let’s take a deep breath,
everything is okay, it is okay, it is okay to be anxious, it is okay to cry, it is okay.)
My stomach is creating issues these days, it got bit better in mid but again it is getting
dramatic and is being sensitive, super sensitive infact. I am trying to include curd in the diet
for it. The idea of being a vegan seems far away now. The sight of a cow also makes me
think.
I got cold just three weeks ago, and I am having a sore throat again. I panicked a bit when I
realised that how many times I was sick this month, which is actually less but still I felt like
when I am trying to be healthy, when I am trying to stay fit then why it isn’t happening but
it’s okay, at least I have small issues, people here deal with such dangerous diseases and
work too, so I should be grateful. I will tolerate the pain happily, even the period pain. I am
not worried about any pain anymore now. I can fight the pain.
QUESTION-What’s life?
ANSWER- Dealing with pain happily and effectively is life.
Hope you are doing well.
Thank you. I really feel better after writing this.