I am not the sentimental type

I am not the sentimental type. I rarely feel happy or mad, sad or glad.
I don’t really show my emotions. I would hide the fact that im scared, jealous, mad, or upset
I don’t like many people. Everyone always gets on my nerves. So I just don’t talk.
Rarely do I talk to people. I do it because I hope that my feelings towards them will change.
Rarely do I come to call a person a friend. I find it hard to trust a person completely.
Rarely do I get to relate to someone. People usually don’t like how I act or talk. I agree with that.
I always try to stay away from relationships. I’ve never had one where I ended up better, so I try to stay away.
I always try to be by myself. I find it hard to talk to people, so I’ve given up.
In the end,
I always end up breaking every one of those things.
I remember every single moment I have had with you clearly. From that day atop the drain to the last time you looked away from me, I remember all of it like it just happened. Everything I find hard to believe. I don't believe that it actually happened. I remember your voice, that voice that complained about her feet being too pale. I remember that smell, the smell that stained my jacket, one of the few things I was actually able to smell. I remember the pressure, the pressure of your hand pressing against mine. I remember that feeling, the feeling of knowing that no matter what, there is always someone that wants to talk to me. But that was only possible when that day happened. It was some random day, you invited me over. It was only After Dark where I realized, how I truly felt. It was Unclear at first, because that was a feeling I was desperately trying to avoid, but it was true, it was real. There are many things I have associated with you, in such a short amount of time. I haven’t opened my box of legos, the legos that I got for my birthday. I only started running again because Lawrence wanted me to. I didn't listen to music for a week.
It was so
Sudden
I am not the best at managing my feelings. I’ve learned to just push it all to the side. It was always my worst quality. There were always things I wanted to say, that I just couldn’t. I don’t know if I ever told you about my previous attempts at being in a relationship, I always ended up doing something wrong because of my lack of communication. I am an extremely jealous kid, I don’t know if you ever caught onto that. It developed when I started to realize how untrustworthy the people that I was around were. I never felt comfortable when I was around your friends, I don’t like being a part of groups, I also didn’t know any of them well. I felt so out of place, alone. Some of the things that you have done have stayed in my mind. There were so many nights that I couldn't sleep. The thing is, I was ready to do anything, because, to me, nothing was too difficult to get through as long as that meant I could see you, for at least one more day, until the very end. But that’s just it, I shouldn’t have had to do that, I could’ve just said something, done something different. Sometimes I can’t stay up to speed with what I need to do, no matter how fast I try to go.
Sometimes I wish
I hadn’t met you
You know not a single day, not a single hour, not a single moment passes where I don’t think about those days, those memories, that feeling. Every time I close my eyes, I listen to that song, I begin to run, or whenever I feel cold, I remember that day. The last day I truly ran, without fear of losing anything. Because I knew that my everything was waiting for me at the finish line. I try to do things like how I used to, like how things went before I met you. I can’t. As much as I try, I can't keep my mind off of you for long enough to truly accomplish anything. It just doesn’t feel right, it feels like something is missing.
After everything you have done for me
The only thing I care to remember
Is the way you looked at me
I’m a hypocrite. I’m an idiot. I’m an asshole. I’m stubborn. I’m selfish. I’m insensitive. I’m immature. But that doesn’t stop me from having feelings. I can never manage to do anything right. I always expect the worst. I’m just so scared. I always was. I was scared of you leaving. I was scared of you leaving me. I was scared when I first met up with you, and I’m scared to see you now. I’m always scared that I’m doing something wrong, that I might’ve said a bad thing. Or maybe, I failed to live up to your expectations. As seen by my race day habits, Im scared of falling short.
I just wanted you to know
How much I truly
Loved you