The CENTER of Gravity

1

It was the first day of summer after our Sophomore year of high school. I was riding my bike through the neighborhood taking in the sun rays contemplating on a huge decision that’s been weighing on my heart. I was on the way to my best friends house. Meeting up with her at our spot; her tree house in her backyard. We have so much history there throughout the years and now that her parents are divorcing she is moving away with her father to Seattle. This might be my last chance….

I pulled into the backyard and put my bike down on the ground. I looked up and she was already in the tree house putting up chimes in the window. When she saw me she enthusiastically waved. I became stricken with fear but her infectious smile was contagious. I walked up the ladder and proceeded to give her a big hug. She looked so beautiful with her curly hair up into a pony tail, her white t - shirt tied in the front showing her belly button. Her short red shorts all the way down to her red and white chuck Taylor's. She waved me over to sit with her overlooking the view of the town. Their house was the one all the way up on top of the hill.

I was so enamored I barely talked just watched her smile as she just beamed with life. She talked her ass off but I barely could pay any attention to what she was saying. I was so nervous that all I could hear was the beat of my own heart. Then suddenly the energy changed and her facial expression was upset out of nowhere pulling me out of my daze. Instinct kicked in and I put my arm around her to comfort her.

“What happened Jasmine” I asked?
She put her head on my shoulder.
“I’m going to miss this” she answered.
She looked directly into my eyes.
“Your my best friend Kaden. I’m really going to miss you”.

She laid her head back onto my shoulder and in this moment I could not let it pass. I could not let her leave without telling her how much I love her. I have held back afraid of loosing our friendship but with her leaving I’m technically loosing her regardless. My heart was beating so fast I almost couldn’t feel it beat at all. I grabbed her chin pulling her gently to meet my eyes. They locked in….
“WHAT” she asked?
“I have to tell you something. Something I always wanted you to know”.
I paused and she tensed up. I mustered the courage.
“I love you” I said quietly.
I saw her face; it seemed surprised and almost like she didn’t know what to say so she pretended like she didn’t hear what I said. She straightened up and moved away from me.
“WHAT” she asked again?
I nodded my head.
“It’s true” I admitted.
But she looked confused.
“What’s true” she asked?
Now I become confused. I could of sworn from the look on her face she heard me. Why was she acting like she didn’t. My heart sank feeling embarrassed with the thought that this was her way of trying to turn me down without trying to hurt my feelings. She repeated herself again.
“Kaden, what’s true”?
I turn away feeling completely rejected.
“Nothing” I responded.
I got up.
“I hope Seattle is good for you. I’ll see you round I guess”.
I left going down the ladder.
“Wait, what”?

Jasmine followed me down the ladder and she watched me pick up my bike and walk out the backyard. I made it out to the street and got onto my bike. She shouted for me.
“Kaden”.
She grabbed my handle bars before I had the time to take off.
“That’s it” she said.
I shrugged.
“I don’t know what else there is to say Jazz”.
“Your not going to say goodbye”.
“This is goodbye” I told her.

I didn’t stick around to see how my response made her feel. I could barely look at her. She stood in the middle of the street watching me ride away. That was the day I lost the center of my gravity. I floated through the rest of my high school years. On auto pilot as each day was the same with thoughts of her on my mind. How was she? Is she happy? Reliving moments in my head feeling crazy because I thought she felt the same way but I guess I was wrong. Two years passed by it was almost Christmas when I saw her again.

2

I woke up sad. My heart was in such turmoil. My parents are separated and my father got offered a great job in Seattle. I couldn’t let him go by himself. My mother had my little brother and sister. So, I chose to go with him. I sat at my vanity and i put my hair up staring at myself in the mirror contemplating if I made the right decision. I had a whole life here. I have an amazing best friend that I love so much. Maybe too much. I don’t know. I get a text from him and a huge smile over takes my face. Oh, my god…he said he was going to come over. I got to get ready. I text him to meet me at our spot…my tree house.

I was so nervous I need to keep busy so I rearranged and decorated my tree house. I was hanging chimes out the window when I noticed him pull up on his bike. My heart swelled. God, he’s so cute with his blue eyes. He was up here in a flash and I sat down waving him over. The scenery from the tree house was so romantic. Once he sat next to me I got a whiff of his cologne and I almost couldn’t breathe. It smelled so good.

He looked at me so lovingly and the light shining into his crystal blue eyes made me ramble. I’m not even sure what I was even talking about but he didn’t really seem to care too much. I began to think that tomorrow I will be gone and I felt like I could be loosing out on maybe the love of my life. Please, we are too young to know what real love is but what if this is it and I never get the chance to tell him how much I love him. Stuck between the decision I began to get upset and he realizes pulling me into his arms.

“What is it Jasmine” he asked?
Tears fell from my eyes.
“I’m going to miss this Kaden” I told him sincerely.
I looked him deeply in the eyes.
“I never had a friend like you and I will miss you so much”.

He pulled me closer and I never felt so safe and grounded. I knew that if I had a moment to be honest that it would be this moment. I was scared to be so vulnerable but i felt like i would never get another chance. I was getting ready to say something when i felt him grab my face with such. I felt my heart flutter when we locked eyes…
“What” I asked?
“I have to tell you something that could change everything” he said.
I tensed up and fear over took my body.
“I love you” he whispered.
I could barely make out what he said but heard enough that instantly gave me the answer I needed in that moment. This thing between us was too big and strong and it wasn’t our time so… I needed to control the situation.
“WHAT” I asked?

Knowing I heard him but acting like I didn’t it was easier that way. I mean I am leaving to move to Seattle tomorrow. He started to speak again and I cut him off before he could say it again. I could see he seemed confused. I felt like an asshole but this is not how it is suppose to go. He fidgets then gets up.

“Have a great life in Seattle” he tells me.
“Whoa, wait” I said.
I ran after him trying to catch him on his bike before he left mad like this.
“Kaden, your just going to leave me like this”?
“Like what” he responded.
“This is how you want to say goodbye”?
“I don’t know what else you want from me” he answered pulling away from me aggressively.

I started to cry as I watched him ride away from me. That was the moment I felt the center of my gravity to shake up from under me. My heart completely broke because I could have told him I loved him too but we would have what…dated long distance at 16. I moved the next day living out the rest of high school moving through boyfriend and boyfriend not being able to find someone to ground me the way Kaden did. I spent everyday yearning for that feeling again. Holding onto memories so I could never forget that feeling. After high school I decided to move back home. It was right before Christmas when I saw him for the first time again.

3

Her mom has Christmas parties every year. I haven’t been to one since she left but my parents convinced me to go this year. I wore a grinch sweater as I was not feeling the holidays. I had been rejected to all the schools I have applied to and have been averaging a C - at an online college where I decided to pursue creative writing. So far none of my classes have had nothing to do with writing at all and I’m BORED.

I walked into Jasmine’s residence said hello to a few people and walked around feeling out of place, so I decided to walk to the back yard. I opened the door and stared up at the tree house with such nostalgia. I was about to go back inside when I heard a voice say:
“You going to stand there and stare all day or are you going to come up”?
I look over and my heart stopped. Jasmine was leaning out the window with a grin. I was in complete shock. I thought I would never see her again. I still didn’t say anything but i climbed the ladder. When I got to the top she was sitting in the same spot as last waiting for me. I awkwardly sat down next to her and we both stared out at the view in silence for a little while.

We both kept staring at each other afraid to speak to one another. At the same time we both went to break the silence.
“So”.
We both laughed.
“Go ahead” I told her.
“How you been”? She lead with.
“I mean chillin’. Doing online classes. Just figuring out life. Ya know” I said.
She nodded her head.
“What about you”?
“I don’t know. I felt a bit lost and needed to come home. Figure some things out.. Ya know” she said imitating me.
I laughed.
“So, you seeing anyone” she asked?
I felt awkward that she went right in and asked about relationship stuff but I answered.
“No”.
“Has there ever been anyone”?
“No one serious”.
I didn’t ask but she decided to tell me anyway.
“I had a few boyfriends. No one ever stuck”.
I know I didn’t have a right to but that got me mad. I got up.
“Where you going” she asked?
“Back to the party”.
“Why”?
“Cause don’t sit there and act like this ain’t weird. I really don’t want to sit here and talk about the guys that you been with”.

I could not hold my emotions. All the feelings for her all came back the instant I saw her and than the resentment I felt for her crept in slowly angering me. We never really did get to resolve anything between us. I went back to the party. Got a drink and leaned up against the wall watching everyone drunk and having fun while I grapple with trying to stand. It felt like the pressure of the gravity was trying to throw me off balance. Jasmine walked in with reason. She looked around eagerly until she spotted me. Her eyes looked up and it made me glance up. I was standing under mistletoe and by the time I looked back down Jasmine was in front of me. She grabbed me forcefully and embraced me with a kiss. All that pressure I was feeling was elevated I almost floated away. To this day I don’t even know if I ever came back from the kiss.

I woke up the next day like I blacked out but had no drinks. I called her asking her to have lunch with me so that we can talk about last night.

4

Christmas Eve. Ugh. I dread this night. My mother throws these parties where old people drink until they throw up and I have to clean the next day because she is so hungover. Christmas mornings always sucked because of that. But hey they got my siblings and I presents right? Who cares if we are actually present. I walked into the kitchen and my mom was already frantically preparing for this evening. She kept shouting at me to help but I just rolled my eyes and went back to bed.

My little sister came in and sat at my vanity to do her make up. She became such a prissy little girl. I blame my mother. She began to tease me and said something that woke me all the way up.
“I think Kaden is suppose to come this year”.
I sat right up.
“Maybe you can finally just tell him how you feel already. I hate this tense energy you give off”.
“What are you talking about” I asked?
“Jazz, please everyone and their mom feels the intense energy around you two. Just kiss already.”

She left the room and for the first time I felt a sense of weight lift. I jumped up and rummaged all through my closet trying to find something to wear. I must have changed 12 times. The 12 outfits of fucking Christmas. I was a nervous wreck all day but it was time and guests began to arrive. I couldn’t handle this pressure. I ran to my safe space; the treehouse. I went up there taking deep breaths when I heard the back door close. I looked out the window and there he was. My mouth went dry. Usually I am the talker but nothing didn’t want to come out at first. He started to walk away and words just formed out of nowhere.
“You going to stare all night or you going to come up” I casually said.

He started to climb the ladder and my heart began to pound. I sat down towards the view waiting anticipating Kaden to be right in front of me. He finally made it up and sat down leaving a huge gap between us. That made me feel a type of way afraid to say anything but the silence was too awkward. I needed to break it.
“How is it going”?
I felt like a whole dork for asking such a general question but he kept his answer pretty vague. It was so weird I had so much to say and so much I wanted to know but I felt like I had to tip toe considering how we left things unresolved. The only real question that was on my mind was is he single. I know I didn’t have a right but the thought of him being in a relationship made me jealous. I felt a sense of relief when he said no. Than like garbage I let it spew that I talked to other guys. He got upset and left the tree house.

I stood up there pacing back and forth hearing my little sisters voice in my head telling me to just kiss him already. My was clouded I couldn’t think. My heart and my mind was saying two different things but being this close to him allowed the gravity to ease at my feet and without a second thought I was looking for him at the party intently. I found him standing underneath a mistletoe that gave me the perfect excuse. I grabbed him and kissed him. Once my lips left his all of these thoughts flooded my mind and I left the party to clear my head.

In the morning I got a call from Kaden. He wanted to meet for lunch. I know why he wants to meet but I don’t know how this conversation is going to go. I have so much going on right now it might not be the time for us still if ever. That kiss was an irresponsible mistake…

5

I invited Jasmine to lunch. I must had brushed my hair in 20 different ways to get it just perfect. I stared in the mirror mad that each way I combed my hair it didn’t look nice. I brushed my teeth almost throwing up because I was so nervous. It was weird how all of my feelings resurfaced like they never left after two years of no contact. I got dressed and doused myself in cologne. I grabbed my coat and head out shivering but I don’t believe it is because it is cold.

I got to Janey’s Diner a little early. I sat at our booth. We would come here after school almost everyday and split a strawberry milkshake and fries. We would talk bout our day and things going wrong at home. This is where I learned the most about her. Her imperfections were perfections to me. I felt like we just got each other and felt so at ease while we were around each other and all that I could feel now is that she came home. Not to our hometown but to me.

I spotted her coming around the corner. Her hair was down today and it was blowing in the wind covering most of her face. I called the waitress over and ordered her favorite pancakes with banana whip cream. I heard the bell toll at the door and when I looked over it was her. She seen me and walked over sitting down but not getting too comfortable. I became worried by the look on her face. I honestly, didn’t know what to say.
“I ordered you your favorite pancakes” came out.
“Oh. I’m not staying long enough to eat” she responded.
I looked at her puzzled.
“What’d you mean? I feel like we should talk” I said.
Jasmine shook her head.
“No. I really don’t think we should open Pandora’s box”.
I laughed.
“I think it’s a little late for that. I mean that kiss…”
She cut me off.
“That kiss was nothing. A holiday tradition under a mistletoe” she exclaimed.
“That wasn’t nothing” I continued but she cut me off again.
“Dammit, Kaden. If I knew you were going to act like this about a little kiss between friends I would never have done it. Let’s just call it what it was a mistake” she yelled.

My heart sunk. A mistake. There was no way that the way I feel that it was a mistake. I was embarrassed. People were looking at us and she stared at me angrily. I was getting so red and the waitress came over with the pancakes. She rolled her eyes and ran out the door. Mad I guess that I wasn’t picking up the hint. But I could not let it go. I threw some money down on the table and ran after her.
“Hey” I shouted grabbing her arm.
“Why are you acting like this?”
“Cause your not getting it. Now let me go” she asked?
But I couldn’t
“Not until we talk. We’ve always been able to talk Jazz. Why can’t you just talk to me”.
“Because I can’t” she said ripping her arm away.
“WHY” I screamed.
I am so tired of this come here go away game she been playing for years. Then she finally shouted it out. The words that instilled the gravity inside me at a stand still.
“Because I’m sick”.
I was stuck unable to move, to talk, to think.
“I have kidney failure. I didn’t take proper care of my diabetes and now I need a kidney. Since I am actually adopted my parents aren’t a match and I am on the wait list. I been going through dialysis and it hasn’t been taking a huge toll of my body”.

Still not being able to even move I had nothing to say I just stared at her like a fucking idiot. She mumbled something but I could barely hear and I just watched her walk off and out of my life for another year not knowing how she was or if she was even alive. Her family moved to a health facility to get her the best treatment so we had lost touch.

6

I felt stupid for telling Kaden I’ll meet up with him but I feel like I should let him down in person. I’ll do it quick but obviously not painless. I’m dreading this conversation. I am already in pain. This whole time I have been staring at myself in the mirror trying to figure out how to do my hair. Then again it’s just hair. We all lose it eventually. Who cares. I just leave it down. I totally have bed head but whatever.

I take my time to get to Janey’s practicing what I was going to say but however I say it I know it will crush him. I see the sign for the diner. Ah, Janey’s…so many good memories here. I believe this is where I realized I had feelings for Kaden. I was talking about something that would seem so insignificant to someone else but was important to me and was getting upset cause it didn’t seem like he was listening. Typical boy right? But he repeated back to me every word I said. It was that first time I ever really felt heard.

I get to the corner and instantly filled with regret. Maybe it is not too late to cancel. Ugh. I saw me. There is no turning back now. I need to do this. It is for both of our own good. I walk in and I try not to look directly at him. I couldn’t I would cave in a second.
“I ordered you your favorite pancakes” he said.
God he’s so sweet. But no. Stay strong.
“I can’t stay. But thanks”.
The energy is now weird and i still try to avoid eye contact.
“I mean why would you come if you didn’t want to stay” he asked?
“Cause we need to talk” I told him.
“Yeah, we do. I mean you kissed …”
I cut him off.
“Listen, I don’t think we should open Pandora’s box”.
He got mad.
“I think it’s a little too late for that”.
I mean i can’t blame him he probably feels like I keep toying with him and I really don’t mean to.
“I think we should just be friends” I said.
“But you kissed me” he responded.
“Kaden get a grip you were standing under a mistletoe. It’s tradition” I tried to reason with him.
He looks insulted.
“That was no tradition we just friends kiss”.
I was getting frustrated that he couldn’t accept what I was saying. He was acting like such a baby I yelled at him.
“It was a mistake”.
I realized I embarrassed him and the waitress came over interrupting the awkwardness placing the plate of pancakes down.
“I’m sorry” I said as I ran out the diner.

I was so short of breath I think I was in the middle of an anxiety attack when Kaden came running after me. He grabbed my arm swinging me toward him.
“Why are you being a bitch” he said.
“I’m not being a bitch I just can’t do this right now” I answered.
“WHY” he yelled.
His grip was getting tighter and I ripped my arm away.
“Because I can’t.”
“We use to tell each other everything. Why can’t you just be honest” he asked?
“Honest. I can’t be completely honest”.
“WHY NOT”.
I didn’t want to tell him but it just came out. I had no control.
“Because I’m sick.”
My inner gravity jilted off center. I felt weak admitting this to Kaden. Not knowing what his view of me would be now.
“I have kidney failure. My diabetes took a toll on my body now I need a kidney. My parents aren’t a match so I am on the wait list. I been on dialysis but it has been rough taking a toll on my body”.

He didn’t say anything. He just stood there in shock I guess staring at me like I was a wounded bird. And that is exactly why I didn’t want to tell him. I knew he would look at me differently and he was the one person I didn’t want to look at me like that.
“I can’t put this on you. It’s too much. We are so young. I want you to go out into the world and do great things. I wouldn’t want to hold you back from anything. This is my responsibility to handle on my own. Goodbye Kaden.”

Stuck for words and yet to respond I thought maybe it was better he didn’t say anything that would make me feel worse than I already do. I snuck off and later on my mother found a specialist and we moved. A whole year past by and it was the worst. Ups and downs. So sick and losing hope until my number got called and I had my transplant. Christmas was coming up again reminding me of Kaden. I decided to check in on him. Nothing could have prepare me for the news he told me. His mother…passed away. My first instinct was to go home to be with him.

7

I could barely get out of bed. I felt so numb. My mother, the woman who gave me birth was gone and I was never gonna see her again. The only strength I had days after we laid her to rest was to stare at my computer to try to do school work but focusing on anything was hard to do. And I’ll tell you this Jasmine was the last thing on my mind. I was astounded when I seen an email from her randomly pop up asking my how i was doing. I was reluctant at first to even respond but I decided to tell her about my mom. She was in shock and said that she wanted to see me. I told her that it wasn’t necessary but she showed up at my front door.

It was actually not that cold but it was snowing and she had asked if I wanted to go for a walk. It was quite depressing and stuffy in my house. So I agreed. We were both pretty quiet while we walked through the neighborhood. I guess she wasn’t really sure what to say. We been through a lot together but this was our first death. We reached our park. I use to push her on the swings was the only thought that entered my mind but we stuck to the path.
“So…how are you” I asked her?
She seemed confused by the question.
“I am ok. I’m more concerned how you are at the moment” she said.
“I meant with… you know your kidneys”.
“Oh, I actually had a transplant a few months ago. I am just starting to get my color back” she said lifting her shirt up to show me her scar.
“Attractive, huh” she said jokingly.
“Your always attractive” I said.
The moment became awkward and she put her shirt down and cleared her throat.
“Enough about me. I really want to know how your doing. I know how close you and your mom were”.
I shook my head “were. I gotta get use to the past tense. It feels so weird to talk about her like that”.
Jasmine touched my shoulder to comfort me.
“I promise that if I knew I would have been here sooner to go to the funeral”.
“I mean but you weren’t” I said condescending.
She removed her hand from my shoulder.
“I’m sorry. That was unfair. I know you left to get better. It’s just you were gone and than I lost my mom. I feel like I’m cursed or something. Like everyone that I love leaves me”.
“I’m here now” she said.
She stops walking and makes me face her.
“I’m here” she said.
“But for how long this time”.
I could sense that my comment cut her deep but at this point my gravity was completely shattered to care whether or not I hurt her feelings or if she left me once again. At this point I wasn’t even sure how I felt about us anymore and i walked off.

Our walk back to my house was so intensely quiet. Maybe it was because we were so connected but it was like the silence talked louder than we ever could to each other. Both afraid to say the wrong thing. Both afraid it wasn’t time to say the right thing. When we got back she walked me to my door.
“Before you go inside. I know this might not be the time with everything your dealing with but I feel like it needs to be acknowledged”.
A woman’s voice interrupted Jasmine.
“Hey, baby”.

A skinny blond woman walks up and kisses Kaden on the cheek. Jasmine looked so caught off guard. I could see the heartbreak in her eyes but she had multiple chances to be together and she chose otherwise. So I shouldn’t feel guilty but I did. It was the first thing I felt since my mom died.
“Hi” the woman said.
Jasmine froze and didn’t say hi back she just kind of walked off.
“Excuse me” I said as I chased after her.
“Where you going? You leaving again” I asked?
“Who’s that” she pointed?
“My girlfriend” I responded.
“Funny how you didn’t mention her not once”.
“Didn’t realize I had to. Are you jealous”?
She laughs.
“No. I am wondering why I am here when you have her.”
“Well, I did tell you not to come”.
Jasmine nodded her head.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have” was the last thing she ever said to me.

8

Six months of hell on dialysis when my number finally got called. Had a kidney transplant and been in recovery for three months just in time for Christmas. I felt the best I ever have. Healthy, strong, happy. I was decorating the house with my mom when I came across a mistletoe. I instantly thought of Kaden. Now that I am better maybe there could still be a chance that he could still fill that hole I’ve had in my heart and everything will be perfect. It took me about a week to find the courage to push send on this email I wrote. Once I did I could not of imagine the heart ache I would feeling reading the words on the screen. His mother passed away. So, close to Christmas.

I instantly felt like I needed to give him a hug. I told him I’m booking a flight right now but he tried to convince me not to. He finally agreed but wanted me to wait after the Holiday. I was nervous the entire flight unsure if it was the turbulence or me that had me shaken. Once I landed everything began to feel like it was in slow motion. My car ride to his house, my walk up to Kaden’s front door, ringing the doorbell. It had been a year since we have been face to face and it is under such unfortunate circumstances that I wasn’t prepared for what to say let alone to how I would feel once I saw him again. The door was opening I stopped breathing for a second.

He didn’t let me in it automatically had his coat and asked to go on a walk. We were pretty quiet other than when we initially said hello. I didn’t know what the right thing to say anyway but it was getting awkward. Then he broke the ice.
“How are you” he asked?
With everything he is going through who cares.
“I mean I been good. The real question is how are you”?
“So, your all better now” he asked? Deflecting the question.
“My kidney’s are fine. How’s your heart?”
He shrugged me off. I was confused. Kaden seemed to be coming off dismissive.
“I know you two were close so it’s okay if your not okay. I just want you to talk to me”.
“Were. I need to get use to the past tense”.
I tried to comfort him but he seemed uncomfortable and pulled away. I was hurt but I still tried to get through to him.
“If you let me come sooner I could have been there at the funeral”.
“Honestly, didn’t think you show up so…”
I didn’t say anything but Kaden could tell that he hurt my feelings and instantly apologized.
“Sorry. That was wrong to say. I am upset cause I feel like people I care about keeps leaving me.”
I tried to convince him that I wasn’t going to go anywhere again. That I wanted to come back to be with him.
“I’m here now”.
“Yeah, but for how long this time” he said walking off.
I had to take a second because that comment cut deep but if I’m being honest he is right. I have been running away every time I get scared. We get close and it feels amazing but why do I turn and run in the opposite direction. Maybe after witnessing a failed loveless marriage I’m afraid that history is destined to repeat itself.

The silent walk back seemed full of clarity. I felt like our hearts were conversing back and forth without each other acknowledging one another. I felt us slipping back into who we once were that it gave me the courage to finally tell Kaden I loved him. We get to his front door and it seemed like our last chance.
“Listen, my timing sucks and I hate that it has taken me this long but I feel like this needs to be acknowledged”.
Next thing I know before I can tell him I hear some hoe interrupt me.
“Hey baby” she said.
Sounded like nails on a chalkboard. A dirty blond walks up and kisses Kaden on the cheek. My heart completely broke. I could do nothing but stared at him in the eyes so that he could watch the center of my gravity shatter before him. The woman spoke but I didn’t have the strength to fake my feelings. I ignored her storming off has my heart break slipped into anger after Kaden ran after me.
“Yo, what you doing? Leaving again”.
Not that I really had a right to be jealous but I was crazy jealous.
“Who the hell is that”?
I was so mad I couldn’t care less when I pointed at her.
“My girlfriend” he responded.
I nodded.
“So why would you care if i left? You obviously don’t need me here when you have her”.
“Are you jealous” he asked?
“No. I’m not. Just mad I came all the way here to comfort you when you already had…” he interrupted me.
“Nobody asked you to come here.”
I nodded in agreement
“Yeah. I probably should not have” was the last thing I ever said to Kaden.

9

Ten years came and went. As well as girlfriends, jobs and friends. Nothing really stuck with me. I was never stable enough to keep still. The only thing that gave me a little bit of life was playing music for the sick kids in the hospital on my free time. I was a part time bartender so I can pay my bills but a full time musician. I always loved music but never really took it serious until my early 20’s. And even now all my music is low key inspired by the love of my life that got away.

One day I was leaving the hospital after a shift of playing music and I looked up and there she was walking into the hospital. I could not believe my eyes. I wasn’t paying attention and I totally almost got hit by a car causing a scene. She looked and she noticed it was me. I began arguing with the driver of the car until she came running over. She put a stop to it and gave the driver the finger and told him to get lost. We walk over to a bench to sit to relax our nerves.
“What are you doing here? Your not sick again are you” I asked feeling concerned?
She shook her head no.
“I’m here to start my shift. I’m a nurse….Wait, what are you doing here? Are you okay”she asked?
“Yeah. I play for the kids when I can”.
“That’s so sweet. I never knew you played guitar”.
“I picked it up later in life. After my mom passed away it seemed to be the only way I could get my feelings out”.
There was an awkward silence than Jasmine stood up.
“Listen, I have to go in but..ah I wish i can here you play sometime” she said while walking away.
I stood up and shouted back.
“Well, listen. There’s a bar over on 33rd and Market called The Deep Abyss. I play there a lot if you ever want to stop by.”
She smiled.
“Maybe”.
I smiled back and she walked into the hospital. For the first time in years I felt a little twinge of feeling back in my heart. I believe it was joy.

10

My alarm went off. I’m tired and slow getting up but being a nurse gave me purpose. Helping people get better after I got help getting better was the perfect karma to balance out my life. I got a shower last night when I got in from my shift so I put my scrubs on and hurried out the door. I stopped by my local coffee shop on the way I needed a pick me up.

On my way about to walk into the hospital’s front doors a commotion caught my attention. Of course someone almost got hit on this busy downtown street. The sound of them arguing caught my attention as one of the men sounded familiar. I looked intently and realized it was Kaden. Oh, my god. I ran over to check on him. I handled the guy and told him to fuck off before helping Kaden sit down.
“Are you okay” I asked?
I began looking around his entire body making sure he was hurt.
He shook his head no.
“Wait. Are you okay? Your not sick are you?” He asked excitedly.
I laugh.
“No. I’m fine. I work here. I became a nurse” I told him.
“Fitting” he responded.
“What are you doing around here”?
“I play for the kids on my free time” he said.
That absolutely made my heart melt and was impressed.
“I don’t remember you playing music when we were kids”.
“After my mom passed away I founded it easier to express myself” he told me.
I felt like once he said that the feeling of that day came back making me feel awkward. Neither one of us said anything. I looked at the time and realized that I was late.
“I have to go” I said getting up.
“Maybe I can hear you play sometime” I said walking away.
Kaden yelled out for me.
“Jasmine. I play at a bar called The Deep Abyss over on 33rd and Market. Maybe after your shift you can stop by”.
I felt like I couldn’t stop smiling. I was waiting hoping that he picked up on the hint. Made me feel like there could possibly be something still there after all these years. But I have to play it cool.
“I guess we’ll see”.

11

Later that night I was bartending. Yeah, I play at the same bar I work at. I was nervous all night wondering if Jazz would show or not. I kept looking up at the clock. 9 turned into 10 turned into 11 going on to 12. I started to feel rejected again. I don’t know how many times I can hope that one day she will realize that we were meant to be together. Otherwise why would we continue to show up in each others lives. I stopped checking the time. Than a familiar voice said..
“How about a drink”?
I look up and it is Jasmine. When I saw her face here with her beautiful smile I felt my heart beat for the first time in ten years.
“What would you like”?
“Surprise me” she said.
I made my specialty.
“It’s on the house” I said when I delivered it.
“So, I thought I was coming here to see a performance”.
Before I had a chance to answer the DJ announced me coming to the stage for a small set.
“Your just in time.”
I run up to the stage grab my guitar and continue to play the best set I ever played at that bar. Before I knew it it was 2 o’clock and Jasmine stayed while I closed up. She was sitting over in the corner sipping on her last drink just watching me. I couldn’t focus so I stopped cleaning for a minute and I pulled a chair up next to her. I don’t think she stopped smiling.
“What” she asked?
“Nothing”.
She got nervous as I moved closer.
“I just can’t believe your here”.
She lightly caressed my face.
“Honestly, I feel like I should of been here years ago.”
She looked at me with such regret.
“So, much time passed and we were so young and afraid but how I feel right now I’m not scared to tell you what I wanted for years.”
She took a deep breath and I just needed to get this out no matter what.
“Jasmine. I been in love with you since we were kids and I been so confused with how you felt bout me but I believe we were made for each other because every time no matter how much time passes when I see you again not only do my feelings come back but come back stronger than before”.
For a slight moment I was worried with the look on her face but than she responded.
“Kaden. You have always been the love of my life and I know I played a lot of head games but I thought I was preserving our friendship by not ruing us by getting into a relationship. I am messy and I never want to hurt you but I don’t think I can spend one more day without being with you. I can’t.”
I have never felt more complete. I lean in and she grabs my face and we kiss. All that floating out in space I was doing was grounded by the gravity that surrounded us when we touched.

12

I couldn’t concentrate on work. After I saw Kaden I could not stop thinking about him. Thinking about seeing him afterwards. I keep looking at the clock. Fuck. Time feels like it is going so slow. I am off at 10. Hopefully I don’t miss him actually perform. I’m curious to how he will sound. I don’t think I ever heard him sing before. Then my supervisor walked in and asked me to stay later. I felt weird to say no so I stayed. It started to get later and later and I began to believe that maybe once again this was not our time.

I finished somewhat earlier than 12 o’clock. I was standing outside shivering it was pretty cold. I walked over to the bus stop feeling disheartened. An older man comes over and sits on the bench striking up a conversation.
“It’s a beautiful for night love isn’t it”.
“I think love is a little cold tonight” I said back.
“But it doesn’t have to be. My wife and I were together for 45 years. I ignored her for about 40 of them years. She passed away three years ago and I travel every year to the cemetery to spend some time with her that I didn’t when she was alive. You don’t want to end up an old regretful ass like me.”

The bus comes around the corner and Jazz was taking in what the old man was saying and decided that it has been waiting too long to give up now. The bar was only eight blocks away and she decided to start running.
“Miss where are you going the bus is coming”.
“But it’s a beautiful night for love” I shouted back.
The old man smiled and got on the bus. Jazz ran all the way to the bar. She stood outside a minute to catch her breath and than crept in. She looked around hoping she wasn’t too late and then she saw him tending bar. She goes to walk over… “KIDS. It’s time for bed.

Five kids were sitting the floor in front of an old couple.
“But mom. Grandma and Grandpa didn’t finish their story yet” one of the kids said.
“Yeah, but it’s Christmas Eve and you kids need to get to bed so Santa can come”.
“But I have to know how it ends” another kid said.
An older sister nudged him.
“We already know what happened stupid. Obviously, they got married had mom who ended up having us.”
All the kids moan in disappointment as their mom directed them to bed.
The granddaughter gave her grandparents a kiss on the cheek and said goodnight.

Now alone holding hands older Kaden says I didn’t get to say my favorite part of the story. Jasmine takes a lovingly breath in.
“What’s that” she asked?
“That I got to marry my best friend that turned out to be the center of my gravity”.
“Oh. Come here” she said.
Kaden leaned over kissing his wife while they stared at the fire place reminiscing and basking in the sentiment of their everlasting love.