My Four Minute Stand-Up Routine

Good day, governah! (in British accent). I'm not British. One of my friends thought would make me more likeable

Thank you. Thank you. My name is Adam Benezra. So, I have issues with anxiety...Does anyone else out there have issues with anxiety? (if someone cheers/claps then say, "That's pretty confident for someone with anxiety. Nice Job."

And I also have a fear of talking in public. My shrink thinks this will cure it. I'm not sure if she's giving me good advice or if she's just pranking me (pause) Do shrinks prank their patients? That would be a great TV show...call it something like Shrink Prank TV. "Oh you suffer from depression? I want you to binge watch Schindler's List, The Deer Hunter, and Requiem For A Dream. Then you should be fine."
It would be awesome if on Shrink Prank TV the shrink tells a guy who's afraid of heights to overcome it by jumping off a series of bridges. Or perhaps a woman who's afraid of dogs goes on Shrink Prank TV and the shrink tells her to hang out with a pack of wolves for a week.

Anyways....maybe the most widespread anxiety now is dating for middle-aged single people. It's where Apps meet memories of actually having to talk to people.

Actually, one of my friends, Tim, has been trying different dating Apps. He just joined an alternative dating app that's called, Feeld. Has anyone ever heard of this?

(if someone claps, say, "Hey, let's exchange numbers after this")

So, I'm happily married...according to my wife...and she's never wrong (pause) but I do like to live vicariously through my friend, Tim.
So, Tim, comes to my work...uninvited of course...to tell me recently about how he's been beating off online for a woman who sends him naked pictures

I said, "Tim, it's probably some old, fat, sweaty guy that just wants to see you beat off. Odds are you're being Catfished.
Tim says, "No way, she's for real." So I told him, "Right...so is Santa Clause...and Santa's watching you beat off for him. You're actually giving him a present."

So I asked him how she responds when he masturbates online for her and he shows me her texting him saying, "Mhmmmmmm, daddy."
And then I got to believing it. Because I've never heard my wife say, "Mhmmmmm, daddy" to me. Not once. And I really need to believe there's some smoking hot chick, who's half my age, who only has to see me beat off with my gray haired pubes to exclaim, "Mhmmmmm, daddy."

So, Tim reported back to me, and showed me naked pictures of this hot chick, naked, legs spread, ass in the air, bent over a bed...posted no doubt by some old perve that looks like Santa Clause...for about a month as he beat off for her (Santa)....a glorious, vicarious thrilling month for me....seeing her texts saying, "Mhhhhhhmmm, daddy!"

When it was over I must admit I took it hard. I came home and asked my wife, "Dianna, next time we have sex...whenever the hell that is...can you please just say, "Mhmmmmm, daddy", during it?
And my sweet, caring, wife said...."No fucking way, daddy."
Thank you!