What I Never Told You Pt 3

Hi everyone, it's been a while since the last update. If you haven't read the first two parts, I would suggest doing so, as to understand what is going on here, otherwise, I'm gonna get into the body of what I've never told many people (and now I'm putting it out into the world.)

I had found it to be such a relief when I saw the text "I'm breaking up with you."
I had been working with my mom on a covid project, when I received the text, and excused myself before continuing to read. Before I knew it, I was in my bathroom, sitting on the floor to read the rest. The door was locked, as I didn't know what was about to come from this, and the rest of my family was just outside the room.

I proceeded to open the text properly, seeing the length, I knew it'd be hard, but I never thought it'd be as draining as it was.
(please keep in mind I am paraphrasing, as I no longer have the original message, not that I would put that up, not wanting this to come back and bite me.)
"I'm breaking up with you. I have been unhappy for a long time now, but I stayed because I didn't know how to tell you. In the long run too, this never would have worked out, I mean, you want kids, I don't, and I'm never gonna change my mind."

Their text went on and on about how they'd just been hating themself with me, and whatever else they could muster up.
All I could do was cry. Not because I was sad, because believe me, not sad, but because I was angry.
It was bad enough it was a text. Not in person. Not a call. A bullshit filled text.
They sent another message, saying "I know you're probably crying right now, and I'm sorry, but we can still be friends, we can still hangout, and we'll watch the new season of our show together when it comes out..."
They went on for another paragraph, and I just put my phone away.
It took me about an hour to answer, because I had no idea what I was meant to say.

1) sure, I wanted kids, not right that second, and it could have been a conversation, could have looked different.
2) the fact that their instant response was "I know you're probably crying," cool. So that was their aim.
3) "I've been unhappy for a long time now." We hadn't even been together for a "long time."

I tried not to sound bitchy in my response, but I had to ask, "did you feel this way before or after the start of covid?"

"before."

it was the end of May. Covid was going on for nearly 3 months, and I had a bet it'd been going on since about January, the first time things really felt...off.
"so, why didn't you tell me before? even when you were here in April?"

"I didn't know how I felt, I wasn't sure how it'd play out."

Cool. So I get to be in the dark, while you cheat.

I really didn't know what to say at that point.

we didn't talk for over a week. which further proved their lies.


However, over that week, thanks to a then, mutual friend, I learned I was right. They had been cheating, with the exact person I thought they were, had "fallen in love," was now dating them, and was away from the person they'd grown to hate.
They've since told said friend that I had abused and gaslighted them for our entire relationship. They told their friends all about how awful I am, and literally told their friends everything as a role reversal.

Of course the person who is now my friend told everyone the truth, without using unnecessary details.

About two weeks after the break up, I went out with my two best friends, and when I went to tell them why I'd been so shut off from the world, they immediately assumed my partner and I broke up and then ignored me.
I had family telling me to get over it. friends pretending it never happened, which made sense since they didn't care about me, nor my relationship. and while I had a new friend, I felt alienated. Everyone I'd ever trusted was causing me more mental health problems, and the one person who I'd felt understood me better than anyone, was now my toxic ex.

I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. hiding in my room, and looking at the best ways to end it.
my meds, my craft supplies, or even the things in my bathroom. I realize now, that had just furthered the depression that came with my friends and relationship, so I was just being pushed to the edge.

the day I came the closest, I was in the shower, and I picked up my razor, and came unbelievably close, I still have a mark that no one else knows about. no one else actually knows how close I came.

In the end, I'd still been wearing the bracelet they made me, and I cut that off instead, using my razor.

I met up with my newest friend, now best friend, a few days later, and then went on a trip with my mom and brother to see my other ex and his family (note to self, never date within your families friendship circle.)

that week, I almost had sex with my ex, I thought because of movies and tv shows, that would help me get over my break up. needless to say, in three separate moments of near mistakes, my best friend saved me every time, completely on accident.
I had never had sex, and I'm glad that's not how I started.

no one knows my whole story (this trauma or the next,) and no one will know. I have my moments, even now, where I have contemplations, but I've never come as close as I did that night, I know I have people worth fighting for, and those worth sticking around for.
And I pray to all my gods and goddesses that I never do get to that point again.

thank you for reading my story, and if you're going through anything, know that you're never alone, even when it feels the darkest.