Waking Up To A Nightmare

the hatred in my heart is just that, hatred. hared of myself, hatred of the world around me, hatred of the things i'll never get to see, hatred of the things i was never allowed to feel, hatred of everything and everyone around me. It's exhausting as all hell but after a certain amount of time spent hating everything, it starts to shape you. hatred and anger are a vicious cancer that metastasizes in every facet of your being. maybe i could have come out different had i not held onto my anger like a life line but that's not an important thought . i can never go back and undo what i did to survive nor would i ever want to; even knowing how i turn out. that's one of the main issues with all this amalgamated hatred brewing in my soul, i still can't regret becoming this way. maybe it's delusion, narcissism, or even just plain old ignorance but either way; i couldn't be anyone else and still have lived this long. i would have killed myself so long ago that i am sure i would just be a passing thought in the brains of anyone i know today.
it's white hot and stabbing. all consuming. soul altering. anger kept me alive for so many years, saving me from the constant want to give up but now it controls me in ways that i am not sure ill ever be able to break. anger is what i feel when i wake up, when i got to work, when i fall asleep, and even when i am with my loved ones. anger has me by the fucking balls and i don't know what to do about it anymore. i am the epitome of hatred of one's self. i am the idea of destruction that has made life go on and yet i am still here.