your heart lays within me

prologue:

The room had gone cold, dark and filled with silence in just a matter of moment I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and ran over by a massive truck a few times to many. I had never felt so lost, so confused, my entire world was falling apart around me and i couldn't even find a way around the emptiness just enough to cry. i wasn't sure what was more devastating the fact that i was alive and felt as if i had died by a knife to the chest or the fact that my brother was gone yet it still felt as if he were still with me. i felt my legs give out as it became harder to breath as the tears began to fall and what sounded like a strangled cat in the distance fell from my lips. someone kneeled down next to me beginning to rub my back as if trying to silently tell me to breath, but i was so lost inside myself i couldn't register who it was.

" We are very sorry for your loss."

The doctors' words stung my ears.

what was supposed to words of comfort had never hurt me more than they did in that moment. All I wanted was for the floor to swallow me whole and take me from the torturous nightmares that the universe had threw upon me. This is one of those moments in life where people wonder what they did so wrong to have such a shitty event accurse. one so heart retching they aren't sure if they will ever heal.


chapter 1: funerals and old arrivals:

Growing up i was always told that the funeral home is a safe place for old memories. A funeral isn't just a place of sadness and death but the beginning of the next journey. A journey that says i lived and while not all of the moment of life were great i still pushed through and tried my best to make the most of it and I'm ready for whatever comes next. i was never really a religious person. i was always one that lived life free spirited and didn't want to think too much about what happens when one dies, but for the first time in forever i wanted to believe not for my sake but for my brother. i looked down in the casket at the once warm and loving figure of my brother feeling so empty. i stroked the cold figures cheek and couldn't help but think why him? why not me? Luke was the golden twin. The one that got straight A's, never got in trouble, and thought that the world was all rainbows and sunshine i always hated that about him.


" You alright kat? "

a deep voice followed by the heavy weight of someone's arm being tossed around my shoulder snapped me out of my thought.

I wish they hadn't all i wanted was to be alone and escape to the safety of my own mind where i didn't really have to face reality. i thought about brushing the person arm off and walking out. It was so crowded with so many people crying over my brother and i knew it was wrong but the bratty twin part of me that made me believe i was the closet to Luke kept screaming why do they feel the need to cry it's not like they knew him the way i did. i just wanted to go home crawl under my blanket and pretend as if the entire thing was a bad dream and that i was going to wake up any moment to the loud banging of Luke making his early morning coffee in his ugly Star Wars mug. i knew that it wasn't a dream though and i knew it was just going to be harder if i continued to be in denial but i didn't care. I wanted it to hurt it. i wanted it to be a painful slap in the face every time i woke up in a empty house as the quietness reminded me that i was alone and alive when the table should be flipped.

" No, i should be the one in the casket not Luke."

My voice came out raspy from not speaking in a while.

The person spun me around to face them and in that moment i realized who it was that was comforting me in my moment of distress. He looked the same as he did when we were kids with his dark green eyes, lightly tanned skin from his days out at the pool, wavy brown hair with the light highlights in it from being bleach by the chemicals, he was just as much a pretty boy as he was the last time i saw him and i bet his just as much of a asshole too. It was none other than my brother's best friend and the man i hated most Dmetri Anderson.

" You think it's cute to make such a remark with so many people weeping over your bother" Demetri snapped at me his dark green eyes glinting under the lights. It's hard to believe at one point i actually use to feel like i was being pulled in by his gaze every time we so much as made eye contact. " i get that its hard but think of how lucky you are to have made it out alive, when we just as easily could have been holding a funeral for both of you."

" If I wanted a therapist i would have asked for one" I shoved Demetri's hold off of me aggressively and walked away.

I pushed my way through all of the people ignoring those who tried to speak to me as i passed. all i could think about was the house that me and Luke shared that our parents had passed down to us when they passed away dad in the war and mom from cancer. I wanted to go home to the house where all of the memories and meaningful item would make me feel as if my life was still whole and not crumbling at my feet. with each step i took my body felt heavy from all of the built-up feeling yet i couldn't bring myself to cry it was if my body was telling me i didn't deserve to cry. I strolled across the parking lot to my car and as i climbed in and started the engine i caught a glimpse of Demetri standing outside staring at me through my review mirror. I flipped Dmetri off as I pulled out wheels screeching and the burning smell of rubber which were both signs of my car silently begged to be handled more gently. The funeral had lasted longer than I thought it would, the sun was already beginning to set. i love sunsets i remember a time when i was afraid of sunsets and it was all Lukes faults.


The summer of 2013 was the summer of mine and Luke's first outdoors camping trip. we had packed up everything you could possibly ever think of needing for a road trip into the mountains. I remember only being able to think about how distasteful the entire idea of living in a camper for the summer sounded to me. I was never really a fan of the outdoors as a matter of fact most of everything about the outdoors terrified me. The three of us me, Luke, and grandpa gill were all gathered around a fire we had made outside the camper, Luke had insisted that we roast marshmallows and tell scary stories. I wasn't a fan of scary stories especially not ones told in the dark out in the open outdoor where just about any possible disaster could happen. Luke always told me there was always one twin that was always scared of everything, and I didn't argue with him when he said that twin was me. In fact, it was about the only thing I agreed with him about that didn't involve an argument to come to a agreement on. I was always less outgoing than he was because I let my fears get the better of me.

" Gramps why don't you tell the scary story tonight?" Luke suggested snatching a marshmallow out of the bag and aggressively shoved it onto the tip of his stick. His movement always appeared so aggressive i like to think its because he never fully outgrew his awkward unstable toddler movements.


Grandpa's eye went wide, and he almost choked on a bite of full of his smores. His face showed a surprised expression. Grandma always said grandpa was like a open book and that it was one of the things that made him so endearing because being a open book made it practically impossible to tell a lie. Grandma and grandpa had been married for several decades before she had passed away last year from breast cancer. Mom had said she had gone out peacefully in her sleep, that she was in no pain now and that that's all that really matters. mom and auntie May had really thought that grammy's passing would be the end of grandpa too because she was afraid, he wouldn't be able to handle living in a world without her. we were shocked that he seemed to take the grieving process better than everyone else.

" What kind of scary story were you looking for kiddo? " Grandpa gill asked clearing his throat slightly as if he were a bit nervous under the visible excitement that lit up his face at that moment. I think he was just overly happy at the thought that we were willing to let him tell a story for once.

" Why not a ghost story? " I waved my stick aimlessly as i spoke, hand movements had always been a bad speaking habit of mine.

" That's boring though, we should do a crazy wild man-eating beast that roams mountain forest." Luke practically spitting crumbs everywhere.

" Here's a thought why don't we tell a story about a boy who was dragged off into the dead of night by his twin sister and drowned in a mountain stream because he didn't know how to not talk with his mouth full? " I threw a marshmallow at Luke absolutely disgusted by his actions. The marshmallow bounced off his shoulder and he somehow managed to catch it in his left only to toss it into his mouth. I rolled my eyes but knew better than to say anything to the boy who lived for last words.


" Now how bout we let grandpa chose tonight and we can let someone else tell a story tomorrow night?" Grandpa rubbed his chin nervously as if afraid of starting a argument up between me and Luke. Grandpa never really was good with arguments,even if they were between his grand kids.