Unlovable

         This isn't a sob story. The title makes this sound like I'm an orphan or something but I am just a victim of genetics probably. I am filled with anxiety everyday the moment I get out of bed in the mornings until my trazodone puts me in coma at night.
         Crowds terrify me. I might not know any of them but I feel like they're judging me and they're disgusted with who they see. I can't prove anybody feels that way about me. But It's like instinct for me to think about disrupting the system for about 30 minutes. Just grab somebodies drink and just launch it across the Mall food court. Slam some dudes face into his Raisin Canes sauce and laugh when they won't give him another. I just want to destroy the situation if it feels even slightly out of hand so that it doesn't continue. But the problem is I can never convince myself that the situation isn't actually out of hand. I roll farther and farther down hill until I can't walk back out. I've never acted on any of these impulses to throw a hissy fit in McDonalds because I don't take my time when I start to feel like that. I'm not standing around if you know what I mean.
         So am I a big pick with the ladies? Hell nah dude. I'm a 23 year old with a nicotine addiction. I'm a literal cowboy on my Dad's farm. Not with horses and lassos. With four wheelers and ball caps. Do I get the pride of working with a noble beast to accomplish a common goal? No. I get the pride of working on a piece of crap that always breaks. Am I ugly though? Nah. I'm really just a hot dude trapped inside a slightly heavier dudes body. That may sound a little on the homosexual side but the only thing I blow is these fools minds on the b-ball court. That's a little joke I thought of just now. I'm six foot tall which means I wasn't much use on a basketball court, But it does make me the shortest tall person people know.
         I am perplexed by a lot of women honestly. There's all this stuff I have to be before I can get her attention. Sometimes it's how I'm dressed and sometimes I'm the wrong astrological sign. I'm a Pisces by the way. "Oh I just don't vibe with pisces." " A pisces ran over my sister." Who cares about that crap I'm lonely because the stars told you I wasn't good enough? YAY well I'm sure your prince charming will show up with a glass slipper and a horse-drawn carriage too. He might be a terrible individual but at least your signs match or whatever. WELL I HOPE YOU GET CANCER. As long as that's the sign your sign matches with. I wouldn't wish something like that on someone even if they are an idiot. Not all women are idiots though. It's like cleaning up chunks of mud on the floor after walking through the cow pen, some of ems gonna be bullshit.
         There are women out there though that I really yearn for. Someone who respects themselves and the people around them. Someone who's smile just melts my pain away. I want someones hand that fits perfectly into mine. I don't want this bullshit love that people make up these days. I want a woman that loves music. Not any particular genre. I mean all music. The essence of music. How people took something and transformed it into something everyone could enjoy. I need someone who can understand the impact that one thing can cause on another. Like her on me. Rocky Balboa said this. "She has gaps, I have gaps, together we fill gaps." That's how I'm gonna find love. I won't find someone perfect. I'll find someone who completes me; and I'll complete her.
         So despite the intense anxiety and paranoia I feel, I still think I stand a chance holding up a healthy relationship. Maybe i'm hopeful. Maybe I'm delusional. Either way it tells me I'm still capable of emotions other than worry, sadness, and shame. I don't even love myself though. That's why I feel unlovable.