How to Use the "Steal" Skill

Wealthy noblewoman Contessa Noblessa O'Blige was riding through the city on her white horse, wearing her finest silk dress and bedecked in her fanciest jewelry, with her retinue of personal guards in tow, when suddenly a beggarwoman clad in rags stumbled against her leg, causing her horse to stumble.

"Hey!" Noblessa thundered, kicking the filthy miscreant away with her foot. "Hands off the merchandise, peasant, I just had this horse dry-cleaned!"

"My apologies, your ladyship," the beggarwoman crooned, wringing her hands in that way peculiar to old crones. "I meant no offense, no, no. I will be on my way without delay."

Turning, she shuffled away through the crowd, quickly disappearing from sight as Noblessa glowered at her back.

"Can you believe that old hag?" she said to her nearby lady-in-waiting, Lady Inwe T'ing. "Touching my horse like that. Why, I oughta have stomped my shoe clean down her throat!"

"What shoe, milady?" said Lady Inwe curiously.

"This shoe, dummy--hey!" Noblessa gasped as she looked down at her bare foot. "What the what? Where'd my shoe go?"

"Perhaps it never existed, milady!" Inwe suggested excitedly. "Perhaps it was a figment of your imagination!"

"Um, pardon my disagreeing with you, Lady Inwe but I'm pretty sure the contessa was wearing a shoe on that foot earlier," one of the guards said, coughing awkwardly. "I-it seems odd that she would leave her mansion and go riding with only one shoe on, don't you agree?"

"Hm, you have a point..." said Inwe thoughtfully. "But then, where does that leave us?"

"It leaves is precisely at THAT FRICKIN' HAG STOLE MY SHOE, THAT'S WHERE!" Noblessa bellowed. "Guards, after her!"

She road quickly across the plaza, catching sight of the crone just as she disappeared into an alley. "There she goes! Follow me!"

Triumphantly, she rode around the corner, just in time to see the crone take off her disguise and become a young woman in breeches and a jerkin.

"Hey, you!" Noblessa shouted, riding up to her and pointing her riding-crop at the girl's face. "Shoe-thief! Hand it over!"

"Huh?" said the thief innocently, whirling around. "Hand? Shoe? What? Are you talking to me? About the shoe I just stole from you?"

"Of course I'm talking to you, poverty-for-brains!" the contessa snapped. "Now give it back so I can have it sanitized and burned for having touched your filthy little commoner fingers!"

"Seems a bit of a waste," the thief said, pursing her lips. "Besides, um, that wasn't even me! It was some old hag that stole your shoe, right? Why are you talking to me about it?"

"Hm, she has a point," said Inwe tapping her lip. "How DO we know this is the same woman who stole your shoe, milady?"

"Are you kidding me, Inwe?!" Noblessa growled. "For one, all of us, INCLUDING you, just saw her take off that disguise just now as we came around the corner. For two, she LITERALLY JUST SAID that she's the one who stole it. For three, this is a blind alley, with no other way in or out--frankly a terrible use of space in a city this crowded, to be honest--and she's the only one in it, and for four, SHE'S FRICKIN' WEARING IT, SEE?!"

She pointed her riding crop at the girl's feet, one of which was bare, the other of which was wearing an expensive golden slipper. "Ya see how the evidence adds up kinda?"

"Hm, yes, yes, I definitely see your point," said Inwe nodding slowly. "Well, we've heard the evidence FOR the shoe-stealing hypothesis, what does the defense have to say?"

"Honestly?" said the thief, grinning foolishly. "I got nothin'. It was totally me, man!"

"Ooh," said Inwe anxiously, "this is going to be a tough call."

"Inwe stop talking before I have you executed just to make myself feel better," Noblessa said shortly. "And you, thief girl--"

"Bree," said the thief helpfully.

"I LITERALLY COULD NOT POSSIBLY CARE LESS WHAT YOUR STUPID STREET WEASEL NAME IS!" Noblessa roared. "Look, the only reason I didn't have my guards here just mow you down on sight is because I didn't want to get your filthy peasant blood all over my shoe. Just hand it over right now, and I'll let my executioner use his GOOD ax to cut your lousy little head off!"

"Hey, you try NOT being lousy in this pest hole!" Bree muttered as she tugged off the shoe and held it up to her. "Here ya go, Miss Crankypants."

"That is CONTESSA Crankypants to you, toe-wart!" Noblessa snapped. "And ew, I'm not gonna touch it NOW, s'got your gross urchin-y street-germs all over it! You know what people do on the streets of this medieval town, doncha? WALK all over it, that's what! I'm not touching something that's touched these filthy cobblestones!"

"Um," Bree said, blinking in confusion, "you do know what a SHOE is, right, your ladyship?"

"Never mind!" Noblessa sniffed, turning her face away. "Inw take the shoe and carry it in your hands until we get back, I don't care what horrible fantasy-diseases YOU catch."

"Aw." Inwe took the shoe in her hands and looked at it reverently. "Wow, I've never held such an important piece of evidence in a crime investigation before, milady! Do you want me to wrap it in my scarf here to preserve the fingerprints and such until after the trial?"

"Sure, knock yourself out," said Noblessa, watching as Inwe meticulously wrapped the filth-encrusted shoe in her fancy silk scarf. "Aaaaaaaaand trial's over, boom, she's guilty. Guard, chop this horrible little thief's head off and let's all watch and see how long it is before she stops twitching."

"Hey!" said the thief indignantly as the guard stepped forward. "I'm not a horrible thief! I like to think I'm actually a fairly decent thief, competence-wise! I mean, you didn't even NOTICE when I took your OTHER shoe just now, did you?"

"What?" Noblessa snorted, glancing down at her foot. "You didn't take my shoe, it's right--HOLY SNAPPLE!" She looked quickly down at Bree's feet, and saw that the foot that had previously been bare was now wearing a golden slipper. "How did you...how the heck did that happen?"

"Oh, you know how it is," said Bree, shrugging. "I have the Steal skill, you know, so I can just kife anything the person on the square next to me happens to have. Real handy skill to cultivate, if I'm being honest. Changed my life."

"Quiet!" Noblessa snapped, reddening with rage. "Just give it back!"

"Why, though?" Bree said, shrugging. "You already said you're going to throw away the other one. Why do you want a shoe with no mate? That doesn't make any sense."

"But when you stole her shoe, you only stole one of them, so you had a shoe with no mate too," Inwe pointed out. "That doesn't make any sense either."

"Good point," said Bree, glancing down at her feet, which now wore two gold slippers. "Check your scarf, sweetpea."

"Huh?" Inwe opened her muddied scarf and gasped. "It's gone! Oh my gosh, that's amazing! I love magic tricks!"

"That's not magic, you dunce!" Noblessa growled, her rage swiftly reaching its breaking point. "Magic uses mana, and you have to take long rests in between to replenish it and stuff! This is just a cheap, overpowered skill that works like magic but with none of the costs thereof, and is COMPLETELY unbalanced for such a WEAK character class as 'thief'! If ANYONE should be able to do miraculous stuff without having to wait to replenish our mystical energy, it should be us nobles! We're supposed to have all the real power, not this gutter trash!"

"I mean, you have a point, that would be more realistic," Bree agreed, admiring Noblessa's gold bracelet that now encircled her wrist. "Buuuuuuuuut I gotta say, I'm kinda glad it worked out the way it did."

"WHAT THE HECK?" Noblessa bellowed, looking down at her bare wrist. "Okay, that's it, somebody kill her before I do!"

"At once, milady!" said the nearest guard, and reached for his sword, only to find it wasn't there. "Oh, um, this is awkward. Guys, did any of you accidentally take my sword instead of yours when we all got done with training this morning? I can't find mine."

"What's it look like?" asked another guard. "Is it the one with the blue handle?"

"Yeah, that's the guy," said the first guard. "Have you seen it?"

"Nope, sorry," said the second one, shrugging. "Wish I could help you out."

"Say, this isn't it, is it?" said Bree, holding up the sword that had appeared in her hand. "No, wait, it can't be yours, because I'm holding it, which makes it mine now. Sorry, thief rules!"

"Aw," said the guard, slumping disappointedly. "Guess I'm back to slapping people to death."

"WELL SLAP HER BEFORE SHE STABS ME OR SOMETHING!" Noblessa shrieked, jerking her horse back. "Destrier, away!"

"Oh, don't be overdramatic," said Bree, sticking the sword in her bag. "I'm a cutpurse, not a brigand. I cut purses, not people. Besides, I'm not proficient in longswords, if I tried I'd probably just end up swording myself in the foot or something."

"Well, I'm still getting out of here before you steal anything else from me!" Noblessa snapped. "Guards, take care of her, I'm riding back to the palace!"

"On what horse, genius?" Bree laughed, smiling down at her from her new saddle. "Good thing I took a level in 'horse thief' last time I leveled up!"

"For REAL?!" Noblessa shrieked, looking down at her bare feet standing on the cobblestones. "How the heck does THAT make any--oh, shoot, what am I standing in? Gross!"

"Here, let me check it out," said Bree, leaning down from the saddle and sniffing. "I wanna say it's...filth? Yeah, filth. I'm gonna say filth." She straightened back up, now wearing Noblessa's gold chain and pendant. "Hey, look, new bling! Ka-ching ka-ching!"

Noblessa seethed at her, her cheeks burning with rage. "Get off my horse, you little brat! And stop doing that!"

"Doing what?" said Bree, now wearing Noblessa's hat and cape. "This?"

"YES, THAT!" Noblessa shrieked, stamping her feet in the filth. "STOP TAKING MY STUFF!"

"I mean, I would, but it's kind of my only source of revenue," Bree said, smiling apologetically. "Though if business keeps up the way it has for the past five minutes, I might end up retiring early!" She flicked a speck of filth off the hem of her new fancy dress. "Watch it with the filth, there, by the way, this fabric looks expensive."

"Wha?" Noblessa gaped at her, her eyes widening. "Oh, crud!" She quickly looked down at herself, and blinked as she saw that she was now wearing a green jerkin and brown breeches. "Wait, what? I'm wearing YOUR clothes now? That's not Steal, that's Exchange, a merchant skill!"

"Yeah, I took a level in 'merchant' to help me better negotiate with my fence," Bree explained. "Anyway, what, man, you thought I was gonna just steal the clothes off your back right out here in broad daylight? I'm not evil, you know!"

"AREN'T YOU?" Noblessa yelled, spreading her arms. "Guards, seriously, kill her, now!"

"Too late, they're my guards now!" said Bree gleefully, gesturing to the startled-looking men who were now all behind her. "Welcome to Team Bree, boys! Oh, here's your sword back, dude."

"What just happened?" one of the guards whispered to his companion. "Did we just get reassigned?"

"Just go with it, man," the other one whispered back. "In this economy, I'm just happy to have a job at all."

"No, do NOT just go with it, you all work for ME!" Noblessa screamed, stamping her foot again. "I'M the one who pays you bozos to protect me from monsters, assassins, and thieves, and in case you forgot, there is a THIEF RIGHT FRICKIN' HERE!"

"You know guys, she's right," said Bree sadly. "There is a thief here." She pointed at Noblessa with Noblessa's riding crop. "Guards, seize her! She totally stole my pants!"

"At once, Contessa!" the guards replied, riding forward and grabbing Noblessa by the arms.

"CONTESSA?!" Noblessa screamed, struggling as they lifted her off the ground. "I'm the contessa, you flippin' morons!"

"Not anymore, stole your title!" said Bree, smiling. "And your holdings. And your noble background! And ooh, there, I just got your memory of your first kiss with your ex-boyfriend Ronaldo!" She sighed blissfully. "Oh, Ronaldo, where did we go wrong? Think I still have a shot with him?"

"Oh you BETTER not!" Noblessa growled, struggling harder. "For real, did you just steal EVERYTHING I own? LITERALLY everything?"

"Well, not her," said Bree, pointing to Inwe, who was still searching her scarf for the missing shoe. "You can keep her. Just from our brief interaction I get the impression that she's kind of a dipstick."

"You do?" Inwe gasped, her eyes wide with shot. "Aw, maaaaan! I thought I was hiding it so well!"

Bree laughed. "Ah, what the heck, come on in, ya big lug! You can be my new jester! Contessas have jesters, right? Yeah, they do."

"Oh, goody!" said Inwe, suddenly riding beside Bree now. "I've always wanted to jest!"

Noblessa gritted her teeth. "So, what happens now, huh?" she spat, glaring up at her new local landowner. "You gonna have them kill me now, like I wanted them to kill you? Or, or you gonna steal me too, huh, because you can apparently do that for some reason?"

"Why on earth would I want you?" Bree said in confusion. "You have, like, no useful skills, and no resale value! And no, I'm not gonna kill you; like I said, I'm no brigand. Nah, I think I'll just leave you here and go relax in my new hot tub. You do have a hot tub, don't you? No, wait, you don't, I stole it. Guards, drop her. Aim for the filth."

Noblessa let out a cry of anger and disgust as the guards obeyed, dropping her on her knees in the muck. "Well what the heck am I supposed to do now?" she screamed after Bree as she rode off with her new retinue.

"You could always go look for a job!" Bree called back. "I hear a new position just opened up for the job of, oh, what was it? Oh yeah, 'peasant/hag/gutter trash/street weasel/toe-wart/whatever-the-heck-else-you-called-me'. Or hey, why don't you try taking a class in 'thief'? It sure worked out nicely for meeeeeee!"

Noblessa glared helplessly as her tormenter disappeared around the corner, taking with her literally everything she owned. "Well," she muttered, clambering to her feet, "at least I still have my good looks to fall back on."

"Nope, took those too!" Bree called back from far away. "Enjoy your new underbite!"

"Gah!" Noblessa screamed in frustration. "Well at least I still have my health!"

"Yeah, you do NOT have that," Bree replied, her voice growing fainter. "That wasn't the GOOD kind of filth, if you know what I mean."
"DANG IT!" Noblessa shrieked. "WELL AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY DIGNI--WAAA!" She slipped and fell face-first in the aforementioned filth. "SERIOUSLY, THAT TOO?!"

"You might wanna just stop talking!" Bree called as her voice finally faded. "Later, loser!"

Still seething, Noblessa got to her feet, wiping the filth from her eyes. Stumbling down the street in her bare feet, she grumbled angrily to herself as she set about rebuilding all her lost holdings from scratch.

"Honestly," she muttered, grabbing a level in "thief" from a nearby pickpocket, "I really hope they put some limits on that 'steal' skill in the next edition. Right now it is WAY too OP!"