The Rocky Horror Christmas Carol

Extended Notes for The Rocky Horror Christmas Carol

Cast

Ebanbananazaer Scrooge:

A miser. Due to a mix-up or miscommunication with the Wardrobe department, (yeah right!), Scrooge wears a very fetching Victorian Dress in black and plum, together with a veil and birds head parasol.

Narrator (gnädige Frau Lauter-Knall)

A former chemistry teacher now retired. Sports an eyepatch.

Bobby Scratchitt:

A clerk and part-time drag queen.

Hefty Tim:

Bobby Scratchitt's son.

A WWF (surely not?) Wrestler and hobbyist taxidermist.

Various Ghosts:

Of Christmas' Temporal

Marley's Ghost:

Being the ghost of the late Mr Jacob Marley, and Scrooge's former partner (mmmhmmm!)

Adolphus Crane:

Being Mr. Scrooge's Nephew, a pleasant fellow who throws marvellous parties.

Quincy Evangelon:

Being Adolphus Crane's Partner, who happens to excel at the game of 'Sardines.'

Mrs. Scratchitt and hoards of younger Scratchitts

Wife and offspring of Bobby Scratchitt.

Various loveable urchins and street sellers.

Like to buy a street guv'ner, only three shillings to a gent like you?

A boy, (played by veteran Shakespearean Act-or Sir Rodney Pomeroy Williams-Gregson)

Being a most remarkable boy. (or so has been remarked)


THE NOTES:



MARLEY'S GHOST Appears on Scrooge's door knocker

MARLEY: (Ponderous and mournful)

         Scrooge.

         Scrooge.

         Scroo.. What on earth are you wearing?



SCROOGE: (Defensive)

         It's a dress.

MARLEY:

         I can see that, but, but why? What do you think you are?

SCROOGE: (Emphasizing every word.)

         I

         IDENTIFY

         AS

         A

         MISER!

SCROOGE: (Singing)

I'm just a sweet trans-miser...
From Trans-Central
London Town

Later (at Scrooge's Office)

SCROOGE:

         Scratchitt! Are those SEQUINS I see there?

BOBBY SCRATCHITT:

         Only a few Mr. Scrooge. It is Christmas after all and I thought they'd look festive for Hefty Tim.

SCROOGE: (Outraged)

         I'll scratchitt your eyes out you little tart. No one out glams me in my own office. You're sacked, get out!

Song:

A pauper worth less than ninety-eighty pounds
Will get the coat ripped off of his back
When kicked in the gutter
And soon in the bank
When he draws a blank
Then begging for change
To a life re-arranged
He'll build pensions, high profit
Share trader no stopping him
Grind the plebs beneath his feet
Build an empire, what a cheat

If you only knew my plan
In just seven days, I can make you a mill..ill.illionaire.


The Invitation:


ADOLPHUS CRANE:

         Uncle, come dine with us, make merry at Christmas, it will be the jolliest, gayest party in all of London town.

SCROOGE:

         Too busy, things to do, shan't be there, good day.

ADOLPHUS CRANE:

         Dear uncle, if you'll never COME OUT, then you'll never be happy.


The First Visitation:

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST:

         All of the other boys have gone home for Christmas.

Music: (Hey there lonely boy...)

         We see a small boy dressed in a bonnet sitting at a desk watching with horror as a much younger gnädige Frau Lauter-Knall, currently with both eyes intact setting up a Chemistry experiment.

Music switches to: (She Blinded Me With Science)

HUGE EXPLOSION.

Young Scrooge is lying in the snow, having been blown clean out of the window, which we see shattered beyond him.

Second Visitation:

The GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT, who is dressed like a wrapped box, takes SCROOGE to a seedy club, where BOBBY SCRATCHITT is working as a drag queen. His dress and his wig are both very shabby.

The GHOST reveals that Bobby Scratchitt has to work a second job in order to keep Hefty Tim in leotards.


Then Scrooge is whisked off to his nephew ADOLPHUS CRANE's party, where QUINCY EVANGELON is prevailed upon to perform Carol of the Bells, using brass handbells.

SCROOGE:

         How did he get to be so talented?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT:

         He's a CAMPanologist my Dear.

Visitor:

         What a splendid party.

ADOLPHUS CRANE: (Shrieks excitedly)

         Sardines!

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT:

         And a gay time was had by all.



Third Visitation.

SCROOGE:

         I fear you most of all spirit.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE:

         Charming I'm sure, I don't know why I bother, I really don't, it's not as though I haven't got better things to do you know, thousand and one things I've got, there's presents to wrap all them scent bottles, Le pong de Ancient Spiceness, £10 a bottle, daylight robbery it is, and don't get me started on the cost of stockings...


SCROOGE:

         And what of Hefty Tim? Poor Hefty Tim, does he ...


GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE

         Well technically that was a question for the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT so you're a bit arse about face there my old love, but I see a ring with a body lying prone on it's back. Can you do that? Need to look that up later if I remember, I mean, I probably won't but it would be nice to know.

SCROOGE:

         Err!

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE

         Oh sorry lovely, now where was I? Oh yes, he's making his final submission, it's all over I'm afraid.

SCROOGE : (Howls)

Music (Werewolves of London)

SCROOGE and GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE look mystified.



Christmas Morning:


SCROOGE: (To Himself)

It’s Christmas Day! I haven’t missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can.

Music: (Let's Do The Timewarp Again)

[Sung by Ghosts of Christmas' Past, Present and Future, and Jacob Marley. (Jacob Marley is appearing in The Walking Dead Christmas Special, to be shown on Christmas Day at 3:00 p.m. Please catch this if you can as there is rumoured to be a surprise Royal Guest appearance!]

SCROOGE:

         You. Boy. Hey You there.

BOY:

         Me Sir?

SCROOGE: (To himself)

         No the cat's whiskers.

(Louder)

         Yes you boy. You know the dressmakers on the High Street?

BOY:

         I should say I do.

SCROOGE: (To himself)

         Then say so you little so and so.

(Louder)

         Is that ball gown still in the window?

BOY:

         The one with a million hand sewn sequins?

SCROOGE:

         Yes, that one.

BOY:

         Yes it's still there (Hesitantly) Sir(?)


SCROOGE:

         Then go bring the dressmaker and tell him I want to buy it, and I'll give you sixpence. Do it in ten minutes and I'll make it up to minimum wage.

[Exit boy]

SCROOGE:

         I'll send it to Bobby Scratchitt, and I'll get him a wig that'll make Bruce Forsyth weep.

End

HEFTY TIM:

Hot Patootie - Bless My Soul - God Bless Us Everyone.