Celebrating 5 years of mental health stability from Major Depressive Disorder and OCD. |
I Do Know By Christine Sykes What it feels like To seek help But the help is out of reach. I know what it feels like To be told 'it gets better' And 'You are not alone' And to express my pain Just for people to ghost me. When it has gotten better Just for it to side blind me And feel worse again I know the shame of Feeling like I should be past this But here the storms come rolling in To think those storms are Derived from weakness. Unable to accept the nature of my disorder. I know what it feels like to wait In Excruciating Slow motion As my actions cannot come through Until there's a bed, an expert A spot for me to safely handle my thieves. I know what it's like to depend on a substance in order to function. I know what it's like to want to find peace and acceptance, Only to then the next minute feel that an abrupt end is my solution. I am SO proud of these times I fought those resolves That I waited that long haul And surrendered my soul to the hands of professionals and God. What scares me the most How many more times could I do this with the same result? All it takes is to loosen my guard. Skip my medication, Stop talking. Stop balancing rest, fun and work. An event of stress could sidewind me. Or really nothing at all could change except chemicals go back to turmoil in my being and my brain. What then? That is why I say I'm in recovery and through my life I will always be. I keep in check even when things seem okay. I remain accountable for things I can help. I create emergency back up plans for things I can't. |