MESSAGES TO WHO (2)

(May 11, 2022)

I have either gotten real, or sold out. I took my first steps in establishing a career for myself. The first steps of many that will need to be taken in order to call a career a career. I'm proceeding with an apprenticeship, feeling like it is the least draining step. I feel proud of myself, and then critical of myself for succumbing to capitalist and corporate normativity. But, can I really have the life I desire without caving in? Realistically, no. I can pine after a possibility if I so choose to, but this gets me no closer to what it is that I desire. Isn't it tragic to feel that money is all that will set us free? That I will spend 99% of my life working in order to make that 1% possible. I don't know whether to congratulate myself or to be terrified. I don't know if this is how I truly feel or if it is the intense anxiety of starting anew talking.

This is a possibility I consider in colossal quantities. Do I truly hate the capitalist regime under which we live, or am I simply terrified that i will not be successful within it? Am I finding excuses to criticise and shy away from it because it is intimidating and I doubt myself? I suspect that I am looking for a way to never have to face the possibility of failure. It's difficult to not know what it is that I feel. It makes me unsure of how to proceed. One minute, I am simply doing this to avoid judgement, to live and to not cause a stir. The next minute, I am excited at the idea of an office, a salary, success and a degree. Is it feasible that both these notions are valid? That each feeling can and will exist, despite the direct contradiction? I hope so. Regardless, I have chosen to proceed. And to explain to internal recruitment, why I am perfect for their company, why I want to work within the industry and how committed I am, feels impossible and fraudulent when I have no idea myself.

I hate myself when I am in an interview. I hate myself because I sell them the idea of a motivated, successful, ambitious and skill candidate and I hate that every time, they buy it hook, line and sinker. I hate the unbearable nausea I feel when I am about to present myself for an apprenticeship that I am not even sure I want. That being said, I will take it and I will be successful because I have no other choice. This option is the most realistic and the least evil. I hope and pray that this will be one of those entries that I reflect upon and laugh. That I will pity the evident self-doubt and be proud of the woman who overcame it. I am certain I'm not alone in this feeling. I'm sure there are thousands of other young people that are terrified of the way forward but proceed anyway because there is no other direction to take. Are we all embarrassed of this fear and too proud to discuss it? Or am I especially weak and especially anxious?

I feel as if I am stepping forward with my eyes closed. Taking this step could bring me anything. However, if I do not take it, I will be stuck in one position, pondering "what-if" and feeling ashamed of my stagnation. I hope that this opportunity will empower me, not hinder me. I hope that this makes my dreams a possibility, rather than consuming all of my time and energy. I am taking a blind step, and while I am terrified, I am the tiniest bit excited too.