Life Is Never As Hard As We Believe

         We all complain about our hard lives, but as I continue to grow younger each day I realize that life is not as difficult as it has been in my earlier years.
         I entered this world as a bouncing baby boy in 1961. After the doctor picked me off the floor, things started looking up. I can tell you from experience that this is not a wise act while a flock of birds is passing overhead.
         I was breast-fed, just as I still am (as oft as I can manage). Within a few years I switched to formula. I still remember sitting on my ma's lap as she would gently shake a bottle of original formula CocaCola with her thumb over the opening and then spray it into my mouth.
         In time, I started to school. I had to walk twelve miles to school and fourteen miles back home (until I finally got the hang of basic math) and it was uphill both ways. My family was poor but down to earth. We were so poor that we had to eat dirt clods for supper. If we were good, we didn't get any dessert.
         We were hard workers, up before the chickens and collecting their eggs before the farmer next door could run us out of his chicken coop. I think he participated in a coop. Later on, he participated in a coup and was hung before a firing squad.
         As for me, I was determined to get a good education. So, I quit school young and set out to seek my fortune! Unfortunately, my fortune was not seeking me. I eventually found it hiding in the back row of a theater with a biologically accomodating young girl named Mary Ann. Ahh was she ever beautiful! I never found out. The theater had been closed for three years, so there was no electricity. It is better to light a single candle than to curse while stumbling in the dark. I had Mary Ann to think about, though, and had to burn my candle at both ends. That didn't last long.
         Having burned my fingers on young love and an untenable candle, I tried to turn my back on love and walk away. Unfortunately, when I turned my back and started walking, I was headed toward the ladies' room. I quickly learned why mice squeek and jump up on a chair when they see a woman!
         In time of course, I found the courage to face women once again. I climbed down from the chair and decided that work might be the cure for my nerves. My nerve failed me however, and I became a bum. I moved to the largest beach I knew --- the Mojave Desert. Ahh, the life of a beach bum! Frankly, I'd have rather been a reech beech, but c'est la vie.
         A job finally became inevitable! I entered politics quietly through the back doors of the people. I had a huge desk and the world on its knees! It was quickly discovered that I was just full of hot air, but I failed in politics in spite of my extreme qualifications.
         What was I to do? Desitin and alone, burning in pain at my failures! I went for a long walk and found myself sitting thoughtfully on the end of a short pier. I chipped a hole in the ice and dangled my feet in the lake. I sat there contemplating my life and soon came to realize that no matter how bad life seemed, I really couldn't kick. My feet were frozen! I hastily chipped my feet out and started walking to get my circulation back up. That's when it hit me!
         I had walked head-first into a statue of Sir Isaac Newton holding an apple. This meant a change in my life! This meant a new direction in life around that bloody statue! This meant it was time I made a decision! If only I could make up my alleged mind! I like fig bars, but I love apples. So, I chose the latter and grabbed a ladder to fetch down an apple or two from the tree.
         By now, I was down from the ladder and my circulation was up. So I decided to sell newspapers on a street corner. I began by trying to sell a paper to a small group of nice ladies who happened to be waiting there. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the bus stop is three blocks down. I did my best to sell them a paper. As with my other endeavours, I had failed again! It wasn't a total loss though. I was able to add several new words to my vocabulary as they explained their private enterprise to me. I tried to engage one of the ladies in her professional capacity, but she told me I'm not her type and yelled, "So just beat it!"
         So I'm still beating it down the street. I have nowhere to go and my life has been just nowhere, man. Still, I feel certain that tomorrow will be much brighter than it is right now. That's because it's nighttime and there are clouds across the moon. I've been feeling a little down in the mouth ever since a bedding salesman beat me with a pillow. Very long story, that!!
         Looking back now, I don't see a single ninja following me. That means there are probably hundreds of them on my trail! The crafty devils! They move without a sound or any luggage, like fiendish mimes. They blend perfectly into any surrounding, surrounding their intended victim until ready to attack. Ohh, how I wish I could spot one or two so I'd know they're not following me!
         Looking back now, I can see...