The Forgive And Recover

I wrote this when I was 13-

"You don't realize what you have put me and Kenneth through you don't understand how much it sucked why does a kid have to feel this way it's not fair at all you made my life horrible I just don't understand how you didn't see how much it was hurting me and bub you put us through a living hell. Why does a ten-year-old have to be a "mother" to her little brother you were never fit to be a mother? Why were drugs more important to you why did I have to step up when you didn't have the guts to do it your self? There's a lot of stuff you don't know like you didn't know I use to cut myself, yeah I bet you didn't because you were to busy drinking and doing drugs that we all know is going to kill you soon enough, but that never crossed your mind now did it. Why did I have to worry if I'm gonna have food the next day? You're selfish all you ever do is think about your self and now you wonder why I use to leave the house every day because I couldn't stand you and still cant. You have messed up my life so much now I'm depressed and have really bad anxiety and I worry about everything. My biggest question is why you use to hit your son and my little brother did it give you amusement or something, you hurt him all the time and he never did anything to deserve that you are so cold-hearted. If I'm being honest I hate you your the one that made your daughter grow up top fast. I hate it when you come around because I miss you and it makes my feelings to crazy because of it happy your there but I'm mad as soon as you leave. I never know if I can trust you because you have lied to me so many times I can't count that's how much of a disappointment to me, honestly you deserve the title mom, but I can't make you change your mind you are your own person do what you want if you want to screw up your life just for a high then soon enough your gonna lose everyone your not gonna have anyone if you keep making the mistakes you keep making over and over. I'm not sorry for anything I said you just need to realize what you did I want the old mom beck not the on that does heroin and meth the one that I could look up to and trust and could go to for everything you missed out on so much you missed my first day of middle school, my first boyfriend and the first time I saw Preston in seven years you have missed all the wonderful things, I love you but you need to get your stuff back together so I can be proud to call you my mom"

This is how I feel now at the age of 16-

When I and Kenneth were younger you did hurt us a lot but we have gotten older and learned it wasn't you that was hurting us it was the drugs even though I was mad at you for a long time I could never stop loving you. You have now been a year sober we are closer than we have ever been I am beyond proud of you it takes a lot to be in recovery and your doing it Kenneth is still pretty messed up from all the trauma but he's learning to deal with it. Drugs did take over your life and made you do some pretty dumb things but you are doing better not just for your kids but for yourself and that's the most important I could say I am proud of you a thousand times but it's the truth. I'm in such a happy place in like and I wouldn't be here without you. Devin has changed my life for the better he makes me see the light in the world and I couldn't thank him more for the fact he gets along with you joe and Kenneth means so much to me. one day I want to sit and talk to him about everything I have been through so he can understand me and the why I am the way I am he might be 18 but he respects me and all of our family he sees the hurt in my eyes sometimes and just hugs me and that means more than anything in the world. I can wait to come to see you tomorrow mom now that we live 2 hours from each other we still see each other every weekend I want you to know I love you more than anything in this world you are my hero and my best friend.