Him

You had my heart from day one.
Never did you know it you said.
The pain of you choosing her.
The pain that will cut so much deeper later.
I loved you and I suppressed it.
I told myself no.
I then let my pain swallow me up and become cold toward you.
I was there. I always was. Even when you reached out. Even when I was hurt.
No contact.
You're married.
The pandemic
My profile picture changed.
The likes and comments on my pictures that eventually led to a private message.
The bonding of living alone in the pandemic state.
Assumed you were happy but found you were separated.
I loved you and was hurt.
So when you wanted to meet up, I was hesitant.
I didn't want to be hurt again.
My walls so high.
Bonding over tiktoks helped.
My heart finally just jumped and said if you don't you'll regret it.
How that statment became even more true later.
At the beach, standing on the sand looking at the water and discussing our views.
My heart caved and I became more soft toward you.
Not giving all of me but just a little.
Learning the fear of water and sharks.
Playing in the water with your daughter as we talked about things like your jewelry and the importance of it. Where it was to go when you passed.
My heart told me to love you and be the person you deserved.
I obeyed. For God guides my heart.
My walls still up.
The battle shots.
Jail time for something you didn't do.
The coming back.
The excitement.
The talk that made my walls come down.
The love I kept trying to show you but never had a chance to tell you.
The us that was forming.
My everything.
My walls completely down.
My realization that I was in love with you.
The planned date for Saturday. The day I was going to tell you.
The accident Friday.
My heart shattered.
Peices everywhere.
Never will I be the same.
The celebration of life.
The pain.
You're really gone and the unable to accept it.
My heart still loves you.
My eyes still crying.
I will never be the same.