Walking the ward halls!

Walking the ward halls trying to deal with me trying to get it together once again. Didn't see this coming really but maybe I should have seen this coming. Was getting too comfortable and too happy with myself, doing a little too much bragging maybe. I mean I have a place to live not on the streets now, I have a car now not on foot. I Have a job now not just doing little to nothing or at least I am getting paid to work now. I no longer use and abuse drugs and stuff even though it's all around me. Then again it was more like justifying myself to others and saying look I am not a jerk anymore. To most everyone else, I am still just a bum, a loser a nobody using up God's precious resources. She's wasting time and it was just a matter of time before she blew it seemed to be the thought process of many. I am still a liar to everyone that matters just one step from my next mistake or so it seems to some. Need to be asking why do they matter so much?

Matters not what you think of yourself because no one takes a liar's word for anything once you have a track record of lying. This is how my mind thinks anyway. The truth is usually now I am really blunt and sometimes harshly honest as a defense mechanism most likely. Almost any info I talk about can be verified if one chooses to check the info out but they almost never will. It's just easier for some not to give me the benefit of the doubt and just to call me a liar and leave it at that. So anyway I walked the ward trying to think and pray and figure myself out. Trying to push to the front of my mind all the nightmare of how everything first went wrong in my life. I had blocked a few things out from my childhood. For example, I remember laying in the back corner room of my childhood home in a large bed, dad was there. I was about 5 years old and he was talking to me. He was talking about growing up and becoming a woman and so forth. He also at some point talked about sex not sure how that topic came about but it did. I also remember him trying to hypnotize me with some kind of necklace or something don't think it was working but I was getting sleeping on the count of laying there so long. Was always a dumb acting people-pleasing kind of person even back then and it still gets me in trouble even now.

Remember my close or pants being up at one point. Then I remember my pants being down at one point, I remember him playing with me while casually talking to me. It was like he was trying to convince me he was doing something that was going to be in my best interest but that I may not fully understand the benefits until I was much older. The next 8 years of my life were filled with Hell. Was never dumb mind you but was always a people pleaser and it still cost me dearly to this day. Never try to please someone at the cost of your soul /who you are. Started with trying to please dad and mom which never ever worked in the long-term and then others which seems to never ever work. Being me never ever works either because it only will work if you are self-confident and you're okay with you. It will never work if you acting like or asking" I am okay, aren't I"? If you acting like you not sure if you are okay or not then folks will respond accordingly.

So anyway I walked the ward thinking and thinking, remembering the first time I heard my mom refer to us kids as the bad batch. The bad batch was what later became the Germlines.[ie the bad versions of Gizmo] She said she never said it but she did I heard her say it. s
She thought we were asleep and she was telling one of my dad's uncles we were the bad batch. The Gremlins were made though after adults broke the rules. Remember they couldn't feed Gizmo after midnight, get him wet and no bright light, and every rule was broken. So if we were Gremlin's we were made that way by adults, so why try and harm us/blame us. Although truth be told I can choose now not to be a Gremlin if I want. I walked the wards crying, talking, and praying in between being called a liar by the staff, told that I had no real understanding of my illness or ability to make good sound choices. Which isn't so even though at that moment they felt that way because of my behavior. Sure I thought I have only been Bipolar for 29 years and since I don't think meds are helpful in the long term I have no real understanding, Not! Meds will not make you whole not knocking meds if you need them you need them but in some cases, meds are just a bandaid fix. Bandaids don't heal yes if used properly they can help with healing but they will never heal.

Walked the wards and also got chased through the ward halls by a really sick roommate that kept touching me, touching my stuff, calling me out of my name. The staff cared not they seem to think she had rights and since I was so outspoken and filled with venom towards them they wouldn't stop her from running amuck. Really to be honest they didn't know how to stop her she was also touching others and cussing and fighting staff also. They would fight her back and drug her up over and over again this would happen 3-4 times a day for days. Finally, I threatened to break her noise if she touched me again in front of the staff. Which did help a whole lot even though she did at some point lose control again but not as bad. This is not okay and was extreme behavior but I wanted a little peace and not to be touched. I kind of started feeling bad for the chick if that makes sense at all. Once I kind of tried to talk to her and not just run from her or threaten her we started getting along a little better.

Dealing with the unclean conditions of the ward, the drama playing in my head, the staff, and the sick roommate was traumatic big time. When you lose control of yourself others will take control of you and tell you what's best for you. Therein lies the problem because no one can always help me or protect me from the Dad's, Carls,(the slum-lord), sick roommates of the world. Not even God keeps me from all the nightmares of life. I have an issue with this maybe I shouldn't but I do. Why am I always getting mistreated? What part DO I PLAY IN GETTING MISTREATED also is an important question? Maybe I spend too much time looking to be rescued and protected by others. I mean now I am a little bit of a WITCH at times and I may deserve some of what I am getting but I wasn't always that way, so why? Didn't say God couldn't keep me from but said he doesn't keep me from all the mess of life. I don't seem to be able to deal with life on life's terms at times. I am realizing that I am sooooooo messed up more so than I ever knew. I don't seem to like men a whole lot either because of the many bad experiences I have had and since God is a man type figure I am in trouble Y'all. Working on it though my perception needs to change. God is still the best choice y'all better than any other choices and he loves me this I know if I don't know anything else.