Divorce Sucks

“Give me one thousand dollars and you can see your girls this weekend.”

I told her she was dreaming if she thought that was going to happen.

Nine weeks later, and without seeing my kids, I messaged her.

“How much is it going to cost me to see my children this weekend?"

She replied, ”Give me a thousand dollars and you can see them.”

To which I said, “Are you their mother or their pimp?”

I was then told if I had anything further to say t her, I was to contact her lawyer directly. She also said that if I made any further attempt to contact her, she would put a DVO (domestic violence order) on me.

Three weeks later a letter arrived from one of my daughters, pleading for me to fix this so we could see each other again. A ploy by my ex...but I couldn't allow this to continue. So, I made the necessary arrangements. One thousand dollars that went from my bank account into my lawyer's trust account, then onto her lawyer's trust account, and then to her. And after almost three months, I did a deal with the devil and finally hugged my kids.

The money was over and above my child support payments (which I had taken directly from my paycheck) I was legally bound to make. This kind of demand was to become a regular thing, only in smaller amounts. I didn't mind helping out with some extra support, but it was becoming more of a controlling thing, and in my view, I had to make a stand.

But eventually, she got her way, as she always had done...at any cost.

*******

One day they were being dropped off at my home by their mom and they were a bit off.

I was told what their mom had said..."It's OK not to love your father."

I was taken aback. I told them that I love them and I was sorry they were having to go through all of this...and that mom was probably just a bit angry with me.

So, I called her, hoping to make peace...I said our kids need to be our focus and be placed above any ill feelings between us. Then, I made the biggest mistake I have made since losing my family, and I told her what they had said. She denied it and hung up.

Two weeks later, it was my weekend with them and they seemed down. I asked what was wrong, and they told me when they had gotten home after our last weekend, they had gotten into so much trouble for telling me. I had broken their trust...and, to this day, I have never regained it.

Children don't see around corners or know when they are being manipulated. Now, there is a hollow in my heart where the love my kids and I had for each other used to be. You would think there would be something I could do to get them back in my life and believe me, if I had thought of a way, I would have done it by now. But, the reality is they had to choose...me or her...and that was a fight nobody was going to win. So, I conceded. It was better that I lose them, rather than put them through any more than they already had done.

I haven't seen either of my girls in over four years. This is despite having parenting orders for visitation and custody arrangements stamped by the Family Court of Australia. I thought once those papers were signed, she could no longer run her children for cash scheme or deny them their right to see their dad. But the reality was, she just changed tactics, setting about destroying the relationship by offering them other, more fun things to do on the weekends they were supposed to be seeing me, constantly putting me down in their presence and the nail in my coffin...they no longer trusted me.

My ex made me a promise a long time ago...she said I would die a sad and lonely old man.

When I think back to when they were born, I took three months off from my job, so I could also bond with them (at the time it seemed unfair to me that the mother was the only one who got to do this). I also wanted to do more to help out during a stressful time for her. I was the one who had the talk with them about their period and what it meant for them once that time came.

I shake my head and wonder how it all got so messed up.

I have many drawings and paintings they would do just for me, 'The best dad in the whole wide world' was a regular theme...put away now because I couldn't bear to see them...covering an entire wall in my bedroom. It was too painful knowing they no longer feel that way about me.

All I can do is wait and hope that when they are old enough or wise enough to see that I did my best for them...no matter what they may have been told. That I have always loved them...and no matter what, I always will.