Rest

Umeko lived with a small elderly couple who rented the top floor three doors away at the tiny end of a corner of a five story apartment building. The neighbors didn’t know much about them, but they lived quietly. A usual day consisted of doing the laundry, washing the dishes, pots, and pans, taking out the trash, cleaning the house twice a week, and on the account of struggling to succeed in college; it was difficult and hard juggling all those events in her life with the amount of skills she possessed, because she was always clumsy and exhausted from the workload she had to carry, filled with awkward mistakes. The couple she lived with owned a beef soup restaurant, which she worked part time every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday from 11:30am to 6:00pm in the evening washing dishes, cleaning the floor, and wiping the windows clean. On her days off, she spent the entire day sleeping. Naturally this too, added another burdening toil to her body, making her days heavy under a grey cloud.

Every morning she would wake up at 11:00am, her half crinkled eyes lightly fluttering at the start of another day before her that was always the same, and would take a shower and brush her teeth which took twenty minutes for her to get ready, eat a light breakfast, and then the elderly couple would drive her to the restaurant where she would finally perform her duties. On the way to the restaurant, they would always say nothing, with only the buzzing radio distancing the awkward tension and silence for miles between them.

The elderly couple she lived with were nice and kind at first, then slowly but gradually grew mean and inconsiderate after finding out she had an intellectual disability and noticing that she was not doing her job well enough such as constantly forgetting to wipe the table or cleaning the dishes correctly; they began to pay her under the table. They would take turns scolding her and remark on how they used to work two or three jobs in the past while managing to succeed at school. They just couldn’t understand her train of thought, her way of thinking. The elderly couple pretended to be nice and kind to her, but really, She could see past their words and fake smiles, past their reassuring laughter. They only took care of her because she had nowhere else to go... She could tell they were beginning to grow tired of taking care of her.

Cleaning and washing each dish, pot, pan at the restaurant zapped almost all of her energy. Clanking and cluttering of the dishes would ring through her ears, damaging them in the process. The running water from the sink felt like a rushing waterfall falling on her. Her every movement was slow and heavy at a snail's pace as she wiped each window, cleaned the hall, and climbed the steep stairs; lifting the weight of the items in a crate with increasing effort, and her eyebrows would scrunch together and she sighed heavily alone and brushed the sweat off her brow from her haggard face; her hands blistering numb with dull pain as she cleaned each item at a very fast pace that her vision would become faint and blurry. Even saying such simple words such as "Hello," or "How are you?" was too difficult for her to cope, while managing a weak smile. And in that way, she began to hide her well crafted sadness away from everyone.

College was no easier. On her days off work, she would drag her feet to class; her brain a complete train wreck. Her heart would accelerate the already rampant pounding of her heart beat around her and her classmates, flooded with thoughts of apprehension and feelings of dread, her heart would pace back and forth to the ticking clock, making it difficult to focus on the lecture and on the assignments she had to face. And when it finally came time to take her exams, her brain would cease to function, and her mind would go utterly blank, ultimately failing the exam she once thought she would succeed.

She desperately wanted to leave but couldn't due to all of her responsibilities and at her mother's last request to stay with them.

Her mother was beautiful, loving, patient, and kind; having big dark brown eyes, an upturned nose, and bright skin that shone. She died from lung cancer at the age of fifty-six. Her father had passed away in the same manner several years before her. Her father worked as a car mechanic, fixing cars at the company he worked for thirty plus years, and her mother was a seamstress who altered and mend people’s clothes. She remembered happy and meaningful recollections of memories from her early childhood: sauntering along with her smiling mother and father at the park, marveling at the blue sky above them, chatting about how their day was when they reached their tiny apartment home, and finally holding hands as she lay asleep curled beside them at the end of a tiring day. Whenever school had ended at 2:30pm, and when she arrived home, her mother would prepare her favorite meal: a cheese toast sandwich along with a mixed strawberry and banana smoothie which was absolutely delicious, and then would help her with her homework such as multiplication and division, addition and subtraction. Even though her mother scolded and rebuked her at times, those were all lessons to be learned and remembered, as she later realized and reflected upon. Those inseparable and nostalgic moments she cherished were remembered both in her mind and heart, placing a heavy burden on her. Even now, those memories remain vivid to her.

Everything she saw and observed now with her eyes unfolding reality began to weigh her down ever so heavily; the passing cars, the shouting and overcrowding people, the duties from her job and college, the elderly couple she lived with, the constant noises, the bright tinkering lights that bothered her vision during the day, and the revolving circle of a supposedly bright and new world of a new age of which she was afraid would soon leave her behind was too daunting to bear. She knew the genuine truth of what was to come.

Every night, when it was a little past 11:00 pm, and whenever the wind rattled her window, she would go on the rooftop and bring her white cassette player out to listen to ballad music so she could experience the nostalgia and comfort of the song she listened to. By the looks of it, the wrinkles around the crow of her eyes appeared sad. Her every motion resembled a withered elderly woman trapped inside a youthful body, ready to switch off at a moment’s notice. Her face was an empty sack of white rice, longing to be refilled with the touch of her mother’s embrace. This night, the dark night awakened, and she saw that the rooftop view was brilliant as always, the bright silver moon casting her light upon the shadows. She stepped out the door for a quick cigarette after a long day of endless sleep. And just like pulling out a memory from the back of her cabinet, she pulled out her cassette player she always kept with her. This time her ears captured a familiar song she had heard before. It was from the Korean singer Kim Jonghyun singing his late songs, "Breathe" and “End of the day.” The soft tempo and mixture of piano along with the young man’s unique voice matched the swaying of her messy unkempt hair as she puffed a cloud of smoke slowly through her tiny nostrils. His voice was surreal, dreamy, and calm; comforting her aching heart, like a soft lullaby song. Those songs held an authentic place within the depths of her heart. She felt as if she could finally be with someone who can completely relate to her and her alone. Listening to his confident voice gave her a great sense of comfort and a tiny surge of uninvited peace to her soul, inviting her to embrace his sad yet exhausting voice like a warm hug to the chest or a kiss to the breathless air they breathed in sync together as she listened to each breath he inhaled and from each lyrical line he produced from his balanced lungs. It was truly comforting yet quite sad to listen to, just by listening to the lyrics of the song. But when the song had ended, she would feel empty and alone again. A black outline was cast, reflecting one half of her gaunt face, revealing pale white skin and a circular red tip that followed her cracked hands. She plopped her aching legs on the edge of the roof and turned off her cassette player.

She sighed. Her heart sank to the ground. Her heart was numb.

And in that moment, she wanted someone to hug her to relieve her of her painful circumstances, the way her heart pierced deep at the mere sight of people and at everything that surrounded her being. She blinked her eyes a couple times and felt her eyelids getting murky.

“Do you mind if I join you?” A gentle voice prodded at her. It was her friend, the sky.

She nodded clearly as if she’d heard that question a thousand times. She cleared her throat with some hesitation.

“Hi Sky, I really wanted to see you tonight”

“Hello, Umeko, it’s nice to see you… Why, did you want to talk about something?” He gently asked her.

“Yes, I’ve been meaning to tell you some things…”

She turned her eyes to her cigarette and back at the painting. Amazed by its beauty, her legs froze from long silence in the everlasting cold. Her lips quivered as she slowly exhaled a long drag of smooth virginia tobacco. A shot of warmth traveled to her entire body for a temporary moment. She felt the biting east wind brush against her flushed red cheeks from the distant corner of the world.

Every night, she would converse with the sky on the rooftop about her day at work and her never ending struggle in college, including a variety of subjects. They were meaningful conversations for the both of them, as they intook long silences after the conversation had ended with delicate care and tenderness as if one were to brush soft well placed strokes to a pet.

Suddenly she raised her mouth. “What a beautiful night it is…” Her mouth sighing with adoring admiration, the little corners of her dimples slowly spread upward.

“Ha-ha, yes it is…” The sky replied matter of factly, chuckling softly.

"Umeko, did you take your antidepressants tonight?" The sky asked her.

She shook her head. "I haven't taken them for the last two weeks. In fact, I don't want to. They block and blunt my emotions…" she replied.

"I see," The sky replied. He then changed the subject.

"What songs were you listening to earlier? His voice sounds so comforting yet inviting..." The sky's voice opened up.

"Ah, they are songs from my favorite artist: Kim Jonghyun. He passed away several years ago..." She explained.

The sky mused upon her explanation.

“I see…”

“You know last week, I was doing the usual routine at work, and did my best to smile at the customers that came in. It was really hard.” Umeko explained again.

“Mhmm… I understand how you feel”

“How?”

The sky leaned in. “Because I observed you work all of last week from a 45 degree angle outside your bedroom window. And putting myself in your shoes stooped my perspective down to your level up from where I am.”

"How would you know sky? You've never worked or studied before," She asked.

The sky uncrossed his arms and leaned forward. "Yes, I've never worked or studied before, but by looking at you, I can understand now…"

"Ah, I see…" She muttered.

She then posed an idea.

“What color do you think you are?” Umeko asked curiously, barely raising her mouth. The sky thought for a moment.

“Blue… a deep dark blue,” He answered.

“Why?”

“Because I think I associate best with that color”

“Huh...”

“What’s your favorite color and why do you associate with it?” The sky asked her in response.

“Dark blue, too... I feel as though we’re the same…” She muttered again. She sighed heavily.

“I feel so lonely… I feel like I’m by myself whenever you’re not here… You’re a part of me, and I’m a part of you, if only you could stay with me forever, gazing at the night together… I get the feeling we'll be able to overcome any kind of hardship as long as we stay together. I pray that days like this will continue to happen forever and ever…” She spoke. The wind had become frigid, and the scent of winter was apparent. She huddled under her jacket.

Silence swept in as minutes passed by. The sky took his time to ponder and reflect on her words.

“Yes Umeko… Let’s both do that together…” The sky reassured her.

“What makes people happy?”

Her eyes lasered straight at the sky. She thought for a brief moment when she asked that question. “I try so hard to avoid that question, you know?... Whenever I ask people that, they just give me this weird look. And when they finally do answer; they say it’s to have more things, do more things. Just typical answers like that. What is life but following a road?,” she continued on, raising her quirky thin eyebrows.

She lowered her cap, closing her eyes, taking in another faint drag, puffing away a cloud of billowing grey smoke, disappearing into thin air.

“When I look at my own life, my heart hurts at the sight of my own existence… like a mirror is there, reflecting my own life and comparing it to other people. I feel so lost and worn out, like a broken shoe…”

She then opened her eyes. “Sometimes all I can and want to do is dream… to dream and enter another world where pain and suffering doesn't exist at all… where endless happiness, beauty, and joy is all there is to enjoy and consider. Ah, I'm so tired… What am I saying?” She mumbled, slumping her face down to her crossed arms on top of her knees.

“Who and what am I living for?”

"I want to be shrouded entirely by darkness, even though there’s not a single ray of light to be found, to not breathe and exist anymore, because everything is too loud and noisy. But I'm so afraid to die. It's so hard and irritating to produce another breath..." Umeko protested at him, slowly waving her hands around, pointing out her flaws and errors. "I'm afraid I can't do anything anymore… I can't even see past my own mistakes..."

"Yes, I do want to, but I'm too afraid to throw away my responsibilities," she illustrated her point. "Yes, I want to lie down and cease to exist. I want to pass away from this Earth to the next, but can’t for some reason..." She thought to herself with conviction.

“Living is a gift of life, from God, but many times life is cruel, and time passes on either with or without you. Everything passes away. The endless words and dreams we once thought we had don’t really become endless at all. Everything has an end, whether cruel or uncruel. Was I ignorant then, when I was a growing child, not doing my best in school, and, as I grew up to be an adult, I, eventually because of fate, transformed to become like this?... Am I still ignorant now?... To be honest, this world we live in is changing and dying of decay. As I continue to live in this world, I feel like I don’t belong here, like I’m not meant to be here for a specific reason. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I want to do better and succeed, to belong somewhere. But no matter how hard I try, I always end up failing in the process… I dream of a place where a great warm welcome is waiting for me...”

“People decide you only have two roads to choose from. One road leads to success, and the other to failure. Your mind’s always racing with random and intrusive thoughts... Sometimes you’re so worried about where that might lead… Even though the left side of your chest is numb and empty, you did so well today… I'm so proud of you." The sky encouraged her with his endearing words. A slight pause passed by with her oval chin pointing to the starry sky. Umeko slowly closed her eyes, and he leaned in and gave a light warm kiss to her cheek with his formless lips. She could feel his breath against hers, and she felt a loss of constraint…. A tug of knots gently unknotting in her stomach.


Only silence filled the air.

"Sky... Where are you?" She asked in a childlike voice, like a child who was lost and alone. She pressed her hand against her breast that joined her meaningless heart and slightly raised her head, and her eyes swelled, but she couldn’t cry. She stretched out her arm and hand to feel the scattering wind, even though it hurt her bitterly, and she wanted to laugh and cry, to reach and touch his shapeless face, but no tears or laughter came out of her.

Now she was truly alone.

Her pain had flew away… Hovering her jacket around her rounded shoulders, she gently laid down on the concrete floor. She then breathed, sliding her eyes down as her soft, weary head rest in place on top of her arms. The cold wind then exposed her rare beauty, bringing her closer to the sky under a single light from the moon, wrapping her around as she kept still in that brief quiet moment.

The truth was, she escaped her own feeble spirit… the anxiety… the loneliness, and the depression that constantly dragged her down. She escaped her ever crippling low self esteem she had embraced so tightly for so long as it finally overwhelmed her soul.